By Geno McGahee
I love movies about old guys that bring a bunch of people to a huge house in the middle of nowhere with a prize on the line. Movies like 10 LITTLE INDIANS comes to mind. I love that shit. I wish it happened to me but my entire family is dirt poor. They’d have to bring me to a mobile home and where the fuck is the fun in that? What would the prize be…a Jeff Foxworthy poster? Thankfully, THE LAST CHRISTMAS, which is a part of some series called “The Shadow Island Mysteries” is not about a mobile home. It takes place on an island where a family is called for a game and there is a mystery involved.
Claire (Jennifer Finnigan) is a writer and has been taking care of the huge cabin for her grandfather (Cedric Smith). It’s almost Christmas and she is hanging out with her friend, Monica (Natalie Brown), when a letter arrives from Grandpa. He wants everyone together for Christmas and there is the thought that the group would be getting paid. This excites Natasha (Jennifer Pudavick), the granddaughter who has some dirty laundry for sure. A few years ago, she slept with her uncle Dirk, who they call “Dirk the Jerk”, the husband of drunk Aunt Margaret (Nola Auguston). The two have been feuding since and incest will do that to a family, especially at Christmas. Stuart (Mike O’Brien), Natasha’s father, has been in the middle of his sister and daughter fighting and is done with it and is obviously not happy that his daughter is having sex to begin with. When she walks in with the letter, he looks at her low cut top and flips out. There are no other uncles to worry about unless he was worried about old Grandpa. Grandpas can be pervs too. So, maybe he had a point.
The guests start arriving. Claire’s brother, Ian (Morgan Kelly) shows up and immediately starts having a thing with Monica. At one point she asks him when was the last time he kissed somebody. (Spoiler) When we find out that he was in prison, I’m sure the answer was “not too long ago, whether I wanted to or not.” Monica had to be way hotter than his cellmate I’m sure. I did notice that Monica was dressed very conservatively during the love scene. I’m guessing this was a made for TV film. Damn made for TV rules. Didn’t somebody show their dick on NYPD BLUE years ago or am I just remembering it wrong? I’m probably wrong. My memory ain’t so good.
The insults start as Margaret and Natasha go to war. Grandpa shows up with his gentleman friend, Sergio (Stefano DiMatteo), and lays down the rules of the game. It is in memory of his deceased daughter and Claire’s mother, who died under mysterious circumstances five years ago, drowning in the lake. The game is a mystery that must be solved and Claire must let the others go for a little bit because she is smarter than they are. That’s not really fair. You should not punish somebody for being more intelligent. This is that “everyone gets a trophy” bullshit, isn’t it?
I wonder if Grandpa and Sergio were a thing. That’s a mystery. Well, this is a Shadowland Mystery after all and maybe they want the viewer to figure it out. I’ve figured it out. They were a thing. Dirty old man should nail somebody his own age.
So, whoever solves the mystery will get the money and the rest of the family will get a big fuck you. That’s the deal and they begin trying to figure out the clues. The family bands together and agrees to solve it and split the money, but Margaret is being such a pain in the ass. She is drinking like a fish and stealing anything that’s not nailed down. When Natasha tries to apologize for screwing her husband, Margaret refuses to accept it. OK, maybe just a sorry isn’t good enough. She could have given her a card or flowers. Dirk the jerk is totally out of the picture now anyway. What’s the issue?
Grandpa drops dead on the island, but the game continues and the group is determined to solve it. I kept getting the feeling that this was a horror movie and I kept waiting for the guy with the mask and knife to show up. Where the fuck is the guy with the knife? This film had the horror score, the creepy atmosphere and the cast of characters that could have easily been taken out by a villain. This would have been a righteous horror movie.
(SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT ON)
Grandpa isn’t really dead and he believes that somebody killed his daughter and it has to be one of the people there. He teams up with Claire to expose the real killer and I kept thinking that it wasn’t going to be Margaret because it’s too obvious. It was Margaret. She bashed her sister over the head with a candlestick, CLUE style and threw her into the lake to hide the crime. What’s odd is that Claire was totally OK with the murder it seemed. When Margaret confessed, she walked over and hugged her and consoled her. I would have beat her with the candlestick. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
The end of the film has the family together, happy, and has Margaret taken away by the police. Grandpa calls the death an accident and Margaret will be going to a nuthouse, not a prison, which is all bullshit. Smashing somebody in the fucking head with a candlestick and then throwing their body into a river is NOT an accident. Even stranger is that Claire notes that Margaret needs all of their love now more than ever and they toast her. Maybe Claire hated her mother after all.
THE LAST CHRISTMAS is a good film with good atmosphere. It definitely could have been a good horror movie. It doesn’t have a lot of holiday feel, but it doesn’t need it. This was a well-acted flick with great atmosphere and it does follow the good mystery formula even if it’s somewhat predictable.
Rating: 7/10
