By Geno McGahee
It’s sad that David Banner (Bill Bixby) can’t have kids. He is so helpful and loves children, but he is so afraid of Hulking up during sex that he will not risk it. That is a testament to his love of humanity that he will not risk the life of a woman in the bedroom, but the more I think of this, the more I don’t consider it a risk. Think about it. There is a transition period where his eyes turn green and he hulks up, tearing off the shirt and then screaming loudly before going to town. The woman, once she sees the green eyes, gets the hell out of there. If they re-launch the series, I hope they listen to me. I make a lot of sense when it comes to the Hulk having sex.
Banner is once again roaming through the country and looking for a cure to his illness. He bumps into two young teens, Jody (Debbi Morgan) and Mickey (Cindy Fisher). Jody drops a necklace and Banner chases her back to an orphanage, where Rita (Annette Charles) is working on an air conditioning unit. She sees Banner and asks him to take a jab at it and, as always, he fixes it. He is hired as the handyman and all seems to be going well, but they never discussed the rate. Nice guys like Banner feel weird asking about the money, but he should have put his foot down. “You either pay me 15 bucks an hour or I’m breaking that fucking air conditioner I just fixed.” You have to be assertive.
Remarkably, Rita doesn’t throw herself at Banner, as most of the chicks from the show do. She has a boyfriend named Don (Anthony Herrera) and a shady past as well. Rita and Don are former criminals and have taught the young girls to steal and bring it back to be pawned. Rita has grown quite fond of them and now wants out, but Don will have none of it. In every Hulk episode you need a greasy prick bad guy and Don is just that.
Jody doesn’t want to continue this crime spree and asks David to adopt her, but not before she inquire about his love life. She notes: “You’re old, but you’re white. Maybe you’ll get lucky.” I’ve seen a lot of white old guys that can’t get laid worth a shit. And Banner wasn’t that old. He was too old to be chasing around 18 year old tail, but he could have gotten some 30 year old chicks without many people turning their heads. Banner laughed off the comment, but I bet it bothered him. On top of having this hulk problem, he has to worry about some bitch telling him that he’s old and that he probably can’t get pussy and that he may as well kill himself. That’s the depression talking right there. When you’re depressed, you read into things and I bet Banner was really reading into what Jody said to him.
Although Jody took a low blow at Banner, he lets her down easily and tells her that he cannot adopt her. An old guy like that adopting a 15 year old girl is frowned upon. Most people are naturally suspicious. It’s like when a guy buys dog food and peanut butter in the same shopping trip. It’s probably not happening, but it makes you think that he may just be getting funky with the dog. So, Banner didn’t want that kind of gossipy bullshit fucking up his groove. He had a good thing going. His life might suck, but at least he gets to see much of the country. Not many can say that they went to every state, hulked up, destroyed a shit load of property and left before they could catch them.
When it’s discovered that Jody and Mickey are stealing, Banner wants to put an immediate stop to it. After witnessing them stealing a wallet, he sprints and chases them down. All three are caught by these two prick garbage men. You ever notice how garbage men think they’re better than everyone else? When Banner tries to explain that the girls are with him, the garbage men think he’s a thief too and throw him into a dumpster that is loaded with rats, which give the two girls a chance to run away. Banner hates rats and starts yelling for help but the garbage men told him to shove the rats up his ass. The Hulk emerges, breaks through the dumpster and chases one of the garbage men down, knocking him into the truck and then pushing the truck into some electrical wires. I think the Hulk wanted to kill this guy and almost did. If that fat cocksucker was stupid enough to get out and touch the metal where the wires hit, he would have been fried and I bet the Hulk would have laughed loudly at his accomplishment. I like the idea of Hulk killing everyone that even irritates him in the slightest.
There is one final theft that Rita agrees to, but she secretly works with Banner to set Don up. Unbeknownst to David, Don has a plan for him as well. He’s got two goons in white jumpsuits ready to kill David. They are actually going to kill him. Isn’t the first step in being a goon to scare the person away first and then kill them if they refuse? You have to warm up the oven before you stick in the turkey. They kick Banner’s ass and try to fumigate him to death, which brings the Hulk to life and sadly, the Hulk doesn’t do too much to these guys. They tried to kill him and instead of bending them over and splitting them like firewood, he throws them into each other and hauls ass. If Banner is afraid of what the Hulk can do in the bedroom, he may as well practice on the bad guys. I have no sympathy for a bad guy that gets corn-holed by the Hulk. NONE WHATSOEVER.
Speaking of needing to get corn-holed by the Hulk, that pain in the ass reporter, Jack McGee (Jack Colvin) shows up and starts poking around, making the time to leave for Banner as soon as possible. Before he does, the Hulk crashes the party of the rich lady that they were robbing and the people do not act naturally…not that they ever do in the Hulk show. Most of the time, they run in horror, but a lot of the time, they act like idiots and ask stupid questions or point out things that are very obvious. For instance, when the Hulk crashes the party, some kid yells “it’s green.” Was Hulk’s manhood hanging out from his ripped pants? Maybe. Then some guy comments “and it’s huge.” Yes, it was hanging from his pants.
While the Hulk singles out Don, some guy screams “Why is he going after that guy.” Nobody is leaving this party. If a big green monster came into the party, raising hell, most would run, but they just watch and make stupid comments. It really hurt the episode to have this silly situation and, actually, the episode had many problems across the board.
FALLEN ANGLES is not unwatchable, but it’s not good. It almost feels like it wasn’t written to be a Hulk episode. The only Hulk we really get is forced in. The garbage men bad guys and the white jumpsuit bad guys didn’t fit into the story naturally. They were just put there to be beat up by the Hulk. With Rita being on the take, it was hard to connect with her, but I will say that both Morgan and Fisher delivered. They did very well in the role of confused bad kids, but there wasn’t a great deal to work with and the whole episode felt rushed. Don was a bad guy, but he had very little time to establish that. Hulk barely beat up the bad guys, only ripping Don’s coat at the end, before exiting the house. Instead of a love interest, David had young Jody trying to be his sidekick and it just did not work. This is a strange one in the Hulk series and I would bet that it was tweaked to fit the show.
If you are a Hulk fan, I would say watch it, but there are plenty of other ones to watch before you sit through this.
Rating: 5/10
