Reviewed by Geno McGahee
“I helped it. Didn’t I help it?” – Michael Clarke Duncan after grabbing the junk of Tom Hanks
Am I the only one that thinks that Tom Hanks is a better actor in drag? Remember BOSOM BUDDIES? That was a great show and Hanks really shined as a woman. He wasn’t necessarily attractive as a woman but he still got hit on a lot. They say it is all about confidence anyway, right? If you have that aura of confidence, looks are irrelevant.
So Hanks is back in the 1999 Stephen King movie “THE GREEN MILE,” but not in drag this time. He is Paul Edgecomb, a police officer working death row, which is called “The Green Mile.” He works alongside some good friends and one prick that only got the job because of his connections. Percy (Doug Hutchison) is that jerk that treats the prisoners poorly and talks down to the other guards. He has an issue with one of the prisoners by the name of Delacroix (Michael Jeter), and I don’t blame him. Delacroix is an annoying dimwit. At one point Percy walks by and slams Delacroix’s fingers with his baton and breaks them and he had it coming. So maybe Percy wasn’t that bad after all.
As the guards shoot the shit a prison truck drives up and a monster steps out. The huge John Coffey (Michael Clarke Duncan) is accused of a double murder of two young girls. The big guy seems harmless and is frightened of the dark…but apparently he is a murderer or so the people think. This takes place in the 1930s when they always blamed the black guy and so Coffey was the easy suspect. He was also caught sitting with the two bloody bodies of the young girls, screaming. He was screaming like he was already in prison and some boys were making friendly with him.
King always uses William Sadler. He’s in every King movie! He was in THE MIST, SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, and this. What’s going on there? Well, he has a minor role as the father of the two dead girls. He wears overalls and his son notifies him that the girls are missing. That’s when he and a bunch of hicks track down Coffey and discover him with the girls. He goes apeshit and starts punching Coffey. I wish that Coffey got up and choked the life out of him. I hate guys that wear denim overalls. I hate guys that wear spandex overalls.
As the guards try to do their job and live their lives they are visited by a mouse. I thought that it was Hanks’ gerbil at first but apparently, it was a mouse and it becomes the jailhouse pet. That annoying jack off Delacroix adopts it and begins teaching it tricks. Delacroix couldn’t be executed quick enough. That character is terribly annoying.
Thankfully most of the focus of the movie is on Hanks…sorry, I can’t call him “Paul.” I think I have mentioned this before that if a star is in a movie I call them by their real name. The focus is on Hanks and he has an issue with his junk. He can’t piss without screaming and cannot nail his wife. This is the 1930s before the vibrator, so you have to feel for the wife. Hanks refuses to go to the doctor, hoping to ride out his cock problem until it passes. I think it would be great if he said to his wife “don’t yank Hanks,” when they’re in bed together. Sure, it may spoil the movie for some, but not for me. I would have loved the addition of that line!
Everyone has problems in this movie. The Warden (James Cromwell) is going through a personal hell as his wife is slowly dying from cancer and of course, he has to burden Hanks with it. Hanks has his own problem. His dick hurts! That takes priority over the warden’s dying wife, but Hanks was too nice to say anything. He should have said; “Do you mind, my dick hurts! I have my own problems you asshole!” With all these great ideas and new lines for this movie, I may entertain remaking it. The focus should have been Hanks’ hurting junk.
One of the best characters in the film is “Wild Bill” Wharton (Sam Rockwell), a career criminal that has been transferred to the green mile. At first, he seems doped up and is therefore overlooked as he is brought in. Well he was not drugged and surprises the guards when he comes to life and even gets a shot off to the junk of Hanks. Talk about hitting a man when he’s down and talk about hitting a man when his junk is down. Wharton is anarchy and has a lot of fun at the expense of the guards before they finally get control of the situation and lock him up. That doesn’t stop his fun completely.
Hanks is a trooper. He comes to work no matter how bad his junk hurts, but he is glad that he did. It turns out that Coffey has a healing power and gets a handful of Hanks’ bulge. I don’t know if his initial intention was to heal Hanks or just to have some fun, but it turns out that he sucked the badness right out of Hanks’ junk. Coffey gets really tired when he heals people and has to rest, but Hanks had that look on his face that screamed: “You can’t just grab me and go!” It really made me wonder which direction that this movie was going to go. Thanks to Coffey, Hanks gets to fuck his wife four times in one night. He gave him a super cock!
It soon becomes evident that Coffey is innocent and was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. With his healing power, he is also useful for the Warden, who can heal his wife. The problem is that Coffey is slated to die soon but they will try to avoid that the best that they can. At one point, they volunteer to spring him, but Coffey wants to die. I guess after living his dream of grabbing the junk of Hanks, there was no other high and he could die happy.
THE GREEN MILE is one of Stephen King’s better movies. He has a knack for writing about prison life. He must really enjoy the topic. Whatever his interests or fantasies are, this is a wonderful movie. It’s not as good as SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION but it’s a very good watch. I highly recommend it.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10. Stephen King’s prison fantasy comes to life.
I like how you like Coffee yanking Hanks Crank. We should get together and have some “Coffee”. I’ll let you feel and heal my members only member. Your “biggest” fan.
T.P.