Reviewed by Geno McGahee
I remember when I went to see this movie when it first came out and there were actually ushers in the walkways making sure that nobody made noise during the movie. Where are these ushers now? Sure, a few of them probably got stabbed when they opened their mouth to the wrong moviegoer, but that goes with the territory and if they won’t confront these people, they don’t deserve the 8 dollars an hour they get paid!
JURASSIC PARK was written (both novel and screenplay) by the late Michael Crichton, and directed by Steven Spielberg, and this film was one of those enormous blockbusters, 350 million dollars or so, and that was in 1993, so you know that they were swimming in money. This film featured special effects that are good by today’s standards, maybe even better for the most part and the concept is what really sold this baby: bringing back the dinosaurs. At this time and even today, cloning was the talk of the town, and if they could get some dino DNA, they could reproduce what has long since been gone. Do you remember when they cloned that sheep? Interesting choice for an animal to clone, wouldn’t you say? Wonder what they had in mind for it and what adjustments they made to make this cloned sheep more satisfactory.
We begin with Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) and his gal pal, Dr. Sattler (Laura Dern), digging up the fossilized remains of some dinosaurs. When Grant is approached by some pudgy kid, he scares the shit out of him when he talks about the raptors and how they would spill his “fat fucking guts all over the place.” Keep in mind that I didn’t write down the actual quote, so I may be a little off with that.
Sattler wants to get knocked up and pop out a few babies, but Grant isn’t interested, noting that “kids smell.” I wish that she came back with “well, your junk smells.” That would have given him a taste of his own medicine and/or junk, if you follow me.
Out of nowhere this helicopter lands, featuring some fat fuck, John Hammond (Richard Attenborough), dressed all in white, which matches his facial hair. He seems overly joyous as he breaks into their trailer and opens up their champagne that they have been saving for the right day. Hammond tells them that they have been saving it for that particular day but it was still wrong to open it without their permission. If some fat fuck landed a helicopter in my backyard and then went into my fridge and opened a bottle of coke, I would kick him in the balls and maybe, just maybe, rape his face. Coke is $1.29 a bottle and we are in a recession. Do you blame me?
He convinces the couple to come with him to “Jurassic Park” because he wants their advice on a project that he has going and when they realize that he is loaded, they tag along. Hammond also brings Dr. Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) and a lawyer. Malcolm thinks that he’s really cool and overall, Goldblum plays the same exact character every movie that he’s in, but if it’s not broke don’t fix it. He’s like the guy that everyone knows that tells you jokes he reads online or somewhere and thinks that he’s funny, but he comes off as an idiot. He thinks he’s not only funny in this one, but also a lady’s man as he tries to steal Grant’s babe. Grant was treated like a bitch and he didn’t do anything about it. He didn’t even smell Malcolm’s fingers, the logical thing to do in a situation like this.
The group arrives at Jurassic Park and realizes just what Hammond has done. He has created dinosaurs and when Grant sees one of them, he gets wood, basically. Hammond wants the support of the group and he almost gets it immediately, but when they have a group meeting, concerns arise. Malcolm tells them that nature will find a way, referring to the fact that there are only female dinosaurs on the island, but they will find a way to reproduce. In my opinion, he is wrong. They may scissor fuck but that’s it. I’m surprised that Spielberg didn’t put a scene like that in this movie. On top of that concern, they are worried about safety because those raptors are pretty darn dangerous. They are killers. Hammond is shocked and nearly shits himself when he hears the lack of support.
The group agrees to take the tour and Hammond even sends his two annoying grandchildren with them to butter them up a little. Lex (Ariana Richards) and Tim (Joseph Mazzello), a computer geek and a dinosaur nut are there to reinforce the baby push that Sattler has been shoving down Grant’s throat. Tim is especially annoying and the fact that he lives through impossible situations pisses me off. Grant should have thrown him to the raptors.
All hell breaks loose when an incredibly fat bastard, Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight) shuts down all systems so he can steal the embryos and make some fast cash. With the systems down, the dinosaurs roam free and now it’s a fight for survival. There are some cool scenes and some scenes that suck overall, but this movie stands the test of time overall, and I do recommend it. This is one of those films that you use to test out your new big screen TV and surround sound system.
Scared Stiff Reviews: 7.5/10. Please don’t clone any more sheep.
