By Geno McGahee
When it comes to the spree of made for TV holiday films that are put out, my expectations are pretty low. I know they are fluff, mostly, and are there to make you feel good and bring some joy without the need to think too much. I’ve considered Lifetime better than Hallmark, overall, with their productions and had relatively high hopes for DEAR CHRISTMAS because it had Melissa Joan Hart, Ed Begley, JR., and Robin Givens.
Natalie (Joan Hart) has a podcast that specializes in love and relationships, but she’s never found her true love and if you forget it the first time she’s mentioned it, don’t worry. She says it about fifteen dozen times in this film.
On her way home to see her family, Natalie gets a flat tire and calls for a tow and “Mr. Christmas”, Chris Massey (Jason Priestley) shows up, a guy that has a big hard on for the holiday. He keeps saying “that’s why they call me Mr. Christmas.” No, asshole. They call you Mr. Christmas because you insist that they do, you call yourself that AND you have it painted on the side of your truck. If I knew a guy that insisted I called him “Mr. Christmas,” I’d shove a candy cane sideways up his ass and I’m talking about one of those big ones they sell.
Natalie arrives home and her parents, Randy (Begley JR) and Jenny (Faith Prince), keep on going on and on about how they met. Her pregnant sister, Emma (Nicky Whelan), is also there. I began feeling really bad for the actors in this film. The tone and dialogue is so bad and somebody cut off Ed Begley JR.’s balls. Everything he says here is basically “I’m happy. I’m in love.” They gave him nothing to work with.
We learn that Natalie has kept a journal from her childhood about love because she can never find it. She goes through journal after journal and then sees Mr. Christmas outside the house hanging lights. The guy won’t get lost and her parents seem to want to pair her up with him. Actually, Randy is so lost that he’d be OK with anything at this point. Whenever he says anything, his wife says something about true love and he says “Yes. You’re right.” He might just be really pussy-whipped.
Everywhere Natalie goes, she sees Mr. Christmas and the two begin to fall for each other, but it’s so fucking boring and poorly written. You know where the movie is going and you have to make the decision. Am I going to make it to the ending of this shit or not? Because I review these films, I elected to tough it out.
As she gets ready to do her Christmas podcast, Natalie watches videos of those that were impacted by her advice and the worst was her co-worker, Penny (Givens). Penny is so happy as she sits there next to an 80-year-old guy and thanks Natalie. She says that they were “crushing on each other” for five years. Was that before or after he picked up his Viagra? What the fuck was with the casting here? Givens is hot and in her, maybe, late forties, and she is paired with that dude? Another note about the old guy is that he didn’t say anything. He just sat there with a big smile on his face. I’m not sure if he was the quiet type or his adult diaper was full.
Emma goes into labor and has a baby that is obviously a doll, but that doesn’t stop the cinematographer. He’s going to get some tight shots of that doll. Mr. Christmas shows up dressed like Santa and Natalie and he share their feelings and that’s the movie.
DEAR CHRISTMAS is a terrible movie. It’s too bad because I like a lot of the actors involved in this one, but the screenplay and story were shit. It was terribly boring, pointless and without any real conflict. Mr. Christmas was a geek. OK, I’m done. Avoid this one. It’s as bad as it gets.
