By James Witherspoon
Yo, check this out. I was partying with a bunch of hot ladies and I got the call that my friend, the LEGENDARY Vin Diesel had died in a backyard stunt gone wrong. Really? Really? My god, I was devastated. YA HEARD! After I calmed down, I realized that this was probably a hoax started by some EBT-toting, Toys for Tots-taking, Soy Boy, Cellar Dwelling geek. YA HEARD!
Now, I called my boy, Vin, and he was steaming mad and had the following to say:
“James, firstly, you are the best writer in the world and I am honored that you are righting this wrong. It was fast for me to become furious as the beta male soy boy that threw me under the bus! I’m not some guy that you knock around. I was the voice of the Iron Giant and I swear on the Rock’s cock that I will turn into the Iron Giant and use my robo grip to rip off the cock and balls of that loser ass bitch that tried to get me from behind.” – Film Legend, Vin Diesel
Remarkably, music stars came out in support of Vin Diesel. Here is what they had to say:
“I’m putting everyone on notice. None of these fart stains better say I died. All six of my fans wouldn’t be able to handle it. They need to see me dance and sing Suspicious Minds, no matter if it makes Elvis spin in his grave or not.” – Country Legend, Dwight Yoakum
“SOUL PATROL! Watching Vin Diesel movies makes me proud. He’s an American Idol, unlike Ruben Studdard. That guy can blow up a bathroom. I don’t know what’s worse: Studdard blowing up the bathroom or Clay Aiken staring at my big bulge. SOUL PATROL!” – American Idol Legend, Taylor Hicks
“Yo, who’s the informer that said Vin Diesel died? They can lick my boom boom down. YA HEARD!” – Rapping Legend, Snow
(Comments may not be those of celebrities listed above.)
