By Melissa Antoinette Garza
THINNER (1996) is amazing. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a train-wreck. It’s a psychotic fever dream that is a mixture of the sensational overacting you see in MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986) and a plot similar to DRAG ME TO HELL (2009). I really am unsure whether it’s intentionally campy or if this is just the result of a lot of cocaine, but it’s just such a delightful trip of WTF insanity.
This is such a strange flick. In the mid-90s a band of gypsies arrives in a small town across from a courtyard. I’m Hungarian Gypsy. Ummm…… let me just say, it’s not the best portrayal of my people, but fuck it – it’s hilarious.
Billy (Robert John Burke) is an overweight attorney who is not the best guy. He is married to Heidi (Lucinda Jenney) and has a teen daughter Linda (Bethany Joy Lenz). Heidi tries to get Billy to lose weight, but his diets don’t seem to work.
On the way home after dinner, Heidi tries to influence Billy to eat healthier by giving him something else to think about other than food. While he’s driving, she starts giving him head. This scene is ridiculous. Her head bounces like 25 inches in the air. How big are we supposed to believe this guy’s dick is? I don’t know if Lenz was just like, “well, I have to show some reason my character is so into this dude,” so just over-emphasized but where was the director?! It’s just so bizarre looking. I don’t know if it was an angle issue or what, but it cracked me up.
At the very same time, old man gypsy Tadzu (Michael Constantine) is speaking with a pharmacist (Stephen King). The scene is so over the top and ridiculous. It’s crazy. Tadzu’s daughter (Irma St. Paule) runs outside while her father remains inside. She is also an elderly woman because in this universe gypsies are magic enough to live much longer lives. She is hit and killed by Billy’s car while crossing the street because he was preoccupied with the world’s funniest blow-job.
Asshole Billy uses some of his connections so that he doesn’t serve time or have any infractions against his record. This outrages Tadzu and his granddaughter (Kari Wuhrer). Tadzu touches Billy’s cheek and says Thinner.
Soon Billy is losing weight like crazy. Initially, he just thinks his diet is working and is happy with the results. That changes when he loses 100 lbs with seemingly no change in diet. After coming across the colleagues and friends who assisted him in getting away with the murder, he sees that they too are suffering strange curses. One is turning into a lizard and the other has huge boils on his body.
Billy goes on a mission to get the gypsies to call off the curse. He enlists his mobster friend Richie Ginelli (Joe Mantegna). Richie likes to wink a lot. He also likes to carry glass bottles of acid in his pocket. Richie is not a smart guy. Sadly, his idiocy impacts Frank Spurton (Josh Holland) a sexy gay prostitute he hires to keep an eye on the gypsies. Frank is my favorite character. He just wanted to make a buck. He wasn’t out to hurt anyone. He was a good boy. He didn’t deserve the wrath of the gypsies.
All out war breaks out between the clan and the white man from town (that’s what he’s called). This just makes everything worse.
If Billy didn’t have enough going on, he thinks Heidi is sleeping with his doctor (Sam Freed) so he starts plotting revenge on his wife and the mother of his child, because y’know, he’s our hero.
I fucking love this movie. It’s crazy. It’s bat-shit insane. In one scene, when Billy is in front of doctors who have no idea why he’s losing so much weight and is nearing death’s door, they’re all smiles and excited in front of him. It’s such a hammer-to-the-head weird PSA about something that isn’t even that prevalent. The docs were treating him more like a science experiment than a patient. I get it, but to essentially celebrate the guy’s health destruction in front of him is wildly absurd.
In another scene when confronted by the wife of one of the men who were cursed for helping him, she flips her shit something fierce. She just screams like a madwoman in a way that would make 1980s soap opera characters cringe. It’s amazing though. It’s definitely a choice. I’m not sure if it was necessarily a great choice from the Academy’s standpoint, but I fucking loved it.
There is so much wrong with the film that it somehow makes it into something great. The portrayal of gypsies is absolutely ridiculous concerning it was the 90s. How many travelling clans of gypsies were travelling around America in the 90s, taking refuge on common-grounds and throwing around curses? The heyday of Carnival gypsies had long gone. Maybe if the story was based in the 60s or 70s it would have been more believable, but I don’t even think that would have helped. And then the way they show the gypsies! I’m so sorry to my ancestors but God it’s hilarious. It’s weird as fuck. The fact that Tadzu would go into a pharmacy for their medication and be so vitriolic towards the pharmacist who was legit trying to help is just other-world bizarre. Again, if 1996 was the day of Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves I’d understand – but it wasn’t. Then everyone is walking around using the slur “gyp” for them. I never even heard that before? I’m a 90’s kid. That wasn’t a thing. Trust me I was bullied for everything! If gyp was a slur being tossed around like that I definitely would’ve been called it the way I bragged about my wild Hungarian roots.
God I love this movie. It’s so bad! It’s so bad. I don’t recommend it unless you’re a masochist – then have at it. It’s beautiful in how horrible it is. It’s on PRIME. Don’t buy this. You probably won’t like it. I’m just fucked.
Here’s a few answers to questions you may have:
Is it scary? No. No it’s not.
Is the makeup any good? Nope. It’s fucking awful.
How are the actors in it? Not gonna lie. They’ve been better.
Does it have a good plot? HA! Oh, yes. It’s splendid.
And the directing? Not sure they went that route with this flick.
Does it have re-watch value? HELL FUCKING YES! It’s AMAZING! I love it.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7.5/10
