By Geno McGahee
It has been quite a while since Jason has defended his title as the best killing machine going today, but a competitor has come along from the future to challenge his spot.
Jason has defeated the likes of Madman Marz, Freddy Krueger and Tina Shepherd in rematches, and he has done it in style. He reigns atop the slashers and monsters of the world and now defends his title against a machine that has been called the “uncrowned champion” by the supporters of the cyborg killer.
In 1984, the Terminator came onto the scene and hunted down Sarah Connor. The machine was made by an evil company called Skynet and sent back from 2029 to kill the mother of the leader of the resistance. Kill the mom before the baby was born and it almost worked. Terminator did score some kills, but was eventually foiled by Kyle Reese and Sarah. It was an upset defeat, but he walked away with much experience.
In 1991, he returned, again from the future, but decided that if you can’t beat them, join them, and teamed up with Sarah Connor and took on the liquid metal T-1000. Amazingly, after claiming a hard-fought victory, the T-800 would commit suicide. All the signs of him being depressed were there but we didn’t find the time to sit down and talk with him. “I now know why you cry” he said and then killed himself. With the proper therapy, he would have been fine.
Jason will have his hands full in this one. The Terminator is back from 2029 and doesn’t seem depressed anymore. He has picked up some clothing from a biker and is ready to duke it out at Crystal Lake, right in Jason’s backyard.
THE BREAKDOWN
Jason Voorhees
11 movies, 1 remake
120+ kills
Scared Stiff Record: 3-0
Current Condition: Zombie
Strengths – Power, size, ability to take a punch, cannot be killed.
Weaknesses – Gets frustrated, can’t think on his feet, very self-conscious about his looks, goes into sleep mode when buried or chained to a rock in a lake.
Jason is one of the most intimidating horror icons that is just a tower of power to say the least. He tends to use basic weapons like an axe or machete, but he has also been spotted using power tools. He doesn’t need a weapon because of his strength, often using his power to break people in two. A veteran of 12 films (OK, #5, #9, #10 and the remake we should probably not count), Jason brings experience into this fight and is also looking for closure.
Terminator (T-800)
3 Movies
71 Kills
Current Condition: Cyborg
Strengths – Power and intelligence. The T-800 has the ability to adapt to situations and can mimic any voice to suit his needs. He has been programmed for destruction and has a one-track mind. He knows how to operate any vehicle and tends to have a potty mouth.
Weaknesses – Depression. He killed himself once and those putting money on him to win are not totally confident that he won’t do it again. His ability to learn has hurt him in some cases where he begins to feel sympathy for humanity. Considering Jason’s back story, he may start to have sympathy and that may give him the chance to shock the T-800.
The T-800 is the toughest challenge thus far in the career of champion, Jason Voorhees. He pulled an upset win over the farther advanced T-1000 and is prime to take the title and take down the masked man in an epic showdown. Vegas odds-makers are making the challenger a 2-1 favorite to upset Jason, but he will have to prove that in this match.
THE FIGHT
Entering the woods first is the T-800. Remarkably, Sarah Connor has come to support him in this attempt. He gave her a thumbs up and removes his leather jacket to show off his incredible cyborg guns. Jason has his fair share of support in the audience as many have put on hockey masks, but the Terminator has won over much of the crowd. They sense that a new champion will be crowned.
Jason walks out of the woods with machete in hand and looks over at the Terminator. Thinking quick, the Terminator searches through phrases to say to him and comes up with “fuck you dickwad.” It’s been used before but it was enough to irritate the man from Crystal Lake.
The bell rings and Jason comes out swinging with the machete. The Terminator ducks and dodges and pulls out a machine gun and starts blasting away. Jason drops, smoke billowing from the holes in his chest. This one may be over early.
You can’t keep a good man down and Jason gets back to his feet. The T-800 turns his back and starts imitating Jason’s own mother to confuse him. “Jason, I’m very disappointed in you. Just give up and move on.” Jason takes a seat on the ground as the Terminator tells Sarah that he’ll “be back.”
To the shock of many, The Terminator is counted out. He returns ten minutes later with a tractor/trailer and runs over Jason and gets out of the truck with his hands held high. The crowd is in disbelief. Sarah yells over: “You were counted out. You lost!” The T-800 tears up and runs into the woods, sobbing. It was a sad end for such a powerful machine that learned how to love and care, which did in fact turn out to be his downfall.
Jason got up, brushed himself off, and held up his championship belt to the crowd’s delight. Sadly, the T-800 took his own life shortly after this match. I hope that the programmers will learn from this and find a way to overcome the depression that comes with being a cyborg.
WINNER: JASON VOORHEES
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