By Geno McGahee
“I’m gonna squeeze your head like a grape and tell God that you died.” – Anthony
Traci Lords is an actress that grew up rough, has a storied past of abuse, but overcame it to become a great actress. No, she is not a great actress in the way that most define it. She brings this special over-acting to the game and it is not more on display than in the 1994 action film “ICE.” Lords is so over the top in this performance that I could not help but to love the film immediately. It was a low budget, 1980’s style, straight to video action film and it is everything that a viewer would want in such a flick.
Ellen Reed (Lords) and her husband Charlie (Phillip Troy Linger) recover stolen diamonds for an insurance company for reward money. They are happy and living the life. The newest target is a dangerous one, however, in Vito (Jorge Rivero), a mobster with a mean streak and the worst hair piece in the world. As Vito is away on business, Ellen breaks into his house and beats up a bunch of his goons as her husband sits in the car as a lookout. I found that odd. Maybe I’m just old fashioned. Why is Ellen going in there alone and her hubby remains in the car?
Vito goes to make a deal with Jimmy (Michael Bailey Smith), a huge muscular goon that just recently did a diamond heist. Vito has no intentions of actually dealing with him. He instead plans a double-cross, but strangely, he challenges him to a fist fight first. In a hilarious fight, the old man with the bad hair actually beats the hell out of the young muscle-bound guy. The fight choreography is terrible, but also awesome. I laughed the entire time. It was tremendous.
After throwing a briefcase, loaded with explosives, at Jimmy and his gang, Vito exits and returns home to find the diamonds gone. Through a connection with the police, the name “Charlie Reed” comes up and he becomes the number one on Vito’s hit list. In the meantime, as Charlie and Ellen go to collect 50 g’s for the take, there is a change of plans. It’s 30 million worth of diamonds and Charlie wants to wheel and deal, but when he includes Ellen’s brother, Rick (Zach Galligan), things get really screwed up.
A shootout leaves Charlie dead and Rick runs away with the diamonds. It was great to see Traci Lords cradle Charlie and scream at the top of her lungs. That over-acting was spot on. She now vows revenge against Vito, but she has to cope with Detective Little (Jaime Alba). He knows what she’s done, what she’s going to do, and he wants to help her before she gets herself killed. In a very amusing scene, Little is driving and listening to a song by Ellen Reed and jamming. It’s a slow song that didn’t merit any jamming, but I’m guessing he just nodded and smiled and imagined a song being there. They basically play the entire song and it’s horrible, but this is the 90s and bad means good.
Ellen tracks down her brother and demands the diamonds and this leads to two mob bosses colliding. Anthony (Mike Toney) and Vito are going head to head for the diamonds as the brother –sister combo make a break for it. Anthony is your typical fat Italian movie mobster that you see in all action films. Mike Toney does a great job in this part and is amusing every time that he’s on screen. Like all rotund mobsters, they have to sexually harass an attractive female and he does so with Ellen as he forces himself on her in exchange for a diamond. She resists and gets away. I got to give the writer credit for coming up with the line: “I’m gonna squeeze your head like a grape and tell God that you died.” Anthony says it and it’s so stupid that you have to love it. Why would he have to tell god she died? If there is a god, he would probably know already and why would any god be listening to a guy like Anthony? It was an odd thing to say.
There are some more shootouts between Ellen and the bad guys from both mob families and she is like Rambo. They can’t touch her. A funny thing about these mobsters/goons is that they always shoot with a mean expression or a screaming one and they react too late to the gunshots. The pack goes off, wait one second, and then react like you were shot by a bazooka. Watching them fly back so overdramatically was outstanding. They put so much heart into being a goon.
Little catches up with Ellen after all hell goes down and offers to take her some place better than prison. She throws a diamond in the air and says that they can “go anywhere they want.” Can we at least let Charlie’s body get cold first? It was one day. ONE! After one day she had forgotten all about her shot up hubby at the pier. I think that her and Little were going to shack up that night. His key to success was saying how much he loved her music. That got her. I have the suspicion that Charlie wasn’t supportive of her art. So, maybe she’s right to shack up with the detective.
ICE is ridiculous, terrible, and I loved it. It was so hilarious. It is one of those “so bad it’s good” films. It’s on the same level as DEADLY PREY. It delivers.
Rating: 7.5/10
