By Geno McGahee
It is time to continue my Xmas movie spree. It is that time of the year. An Xmas movie that proved to be the starter movie for many horror fans was the 1984 kid-friendly Steven Spielberg monster movie “GREMLINS.” Love him or hate him, you can look at a film and immediately tell if it was a Spielberg production. GREMLINS is no different. It has the same look and feel as his other movies around the time and he does bring a quality vision with his brand. Immediately, GREMLINS scores points for presentation.
Rand Peltzer (Hoyt Axton) is a salesman, desperately trying to push his terrible inventions. His wife, Lynn (Frances Lee McCain), must be the most patient woman in the world. She continually puts up with the failed inventions not making money but she also has to deal with his things destroying the house. His orange juicer splattered the kitchen completely with orange mush and I know Rand’s fat ass wasn’t scrubbing the cabinets. He made his wife do it.
While seeking a Christmas gift for his son, Billy (Zach Galligan), he stumbles upon a small shop where he hopes to sell his newest invention, the bathroom buddy. I thought bathroom buddy was a prison term. Anyway, while there, he sees a strange creature known as a “Mogwai,”a furry little bastard that sort of looks like my grandmother, and he wants to buy it. The shop owner refuses to sell but his grandson makes a back alley deal and the Mogwai goes home to be Billy’s Xmas gift.
In the meantime, Billy works at a bank and is confronted by queen bitch, Mrs. Deagle (Polly Holliday). She wants to kill his dog for breaking her glass snowman, and even has some words for some homeless children outside. She is cartoonish and hilarious. When Billy’s dog jumps up from behind the counter at the bank, she pretends to have a heart condition and it gives Billy’s co-worker, Gerald (Judge Reinhold), an opportunity to shine. Judge Reinhold usually plays the role of a nice guy as he did in RUTHLESS PEOPLE and BEVERLY HILLS COP, and I always found him out of place. There is this level of arrogance to Reinhold that is showcased in this role that is more befitting a negative character. He’s made a lot of money and was in a lot of big productions, but they may have missed the boat on this one. He’s better as a jerk.
The romantic interest of Billy is the mysterious and sad, Kate (Phoebe Cates). I saw a recent picture of Cates and Father Time has been incredibly kind to her. There is something with the women of Hollywood. They found the fountain of youth. With Spielberg’s ties to the INDIANA JONES series, he may have given Cates the map to the fountain of youth that is spoken of. Whatever the case, she still looks great. OK, I’m off topic here. Where was I? …ah yes. Kate is a sincere person that works two jobs even though she doesn’t have to. She also hates Christmas. I’m surprised that crazed Christians didn’t protest her…but this was before all that madness began.
Billy and Kate begin to get closer and we begin to learn more about the Mogwai that Billy names “Gizmo.” His father informs him of three rules. Don’t feed him after midnight. No bright lights and don’t give him any water and no baths. I would have thrown in: “No matter what curiosity you might have, no groping either,” but I didn’t write this.
Billy’s young male friend, Pete (Corey Feldman), stops by and it isn’t to make Billy one of Corey’s angels. He begins playing with Gizmo. I am curious why a 20 year old man (Billy) has a 12 year old friend (Pete) and his parents have no issue with it. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s this entire Jared Fogle thing that has me suspicious of everyone, but I would not allow my 12 year old to visit a 20 year old man to see his bathroom buddy.
Pete spills water on Gizmo and we learn that they reproduce, making a bunch of Mogwai and giving Rand an idea. If he cannot make something to sell, he can just keep pouring water on Gizmo and making more of these creatures to sell. Why doesn’t he just get off his fat ass and get a real job? Where’s this money coming from? The wife must work two jobs just to pay the mortgage. Even when Rand sells something, he leaves the store buying something. What a loser and his bathroom buddy sucks. The razor that is attached for shaving is at an angle that will maul your face if you try and it’s one of those cheap razors that nobody uses. There’s a button that shoots out shaving cream like a squirt gun and there are a few other ridiculous accessories with it too. Nobody would buy it and they wouldn’t buy his other shit either. He made some battery-powered hammer and a drill that has a bunch of flyswatters attached. I began rooting for the gremlins to tear this guy up. Sadly, it doesn’t happen.
Bright light hurts them and can kill them. Water makes them multiply. We find out what eating after midnight does when they tear the chord to the clock and trick Billy into feeding them. Instead of the cuddly Mogwais, we now have these reptilian troublemakers running amuck in town and this is when this movie gets really fun.
The gremlins are bullies that are only interested in amusing themselves. They laugh when people get hurt and cause all sorts of trouble. They take over a bar and even flash the bartender, but I was curious as to how they can drink beer if they can’t have water without multiplying… hmmm. I don’t know but I think it would be classified as a plot hole or classified as me not shutting up and just enjoying the movie.
The gremlins are everywhere and Billy and Kate set out to stop them. This is when we learn the reason why Kate hates the holiday so much. Phoebe Cates does a great job with the delivery of the story that forever traumatized her. As she spilled her heart out, Billy was walking around and checking if phones worked. I honestly don’t know why they didn’t do another take where he was intently listening to her. That scene would have been more impactful had he sat there and was just drawn in immediately. They were at the beginning stages of their relationship where you have to pretend you’re interested in everything anyway. So, where the fuck was the director saying “sit there and nod. We all have to do it young man.” Kids.
Chris Columbus wrote this and I want to give him his props on something else. He wrote CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS which is one of my favorite Xmas movies. Good job Chris! You really cranked a good one off there. He also wrote THE GOONIES, another classic. The common element in the Columbus flicks is the ability for the audience to connect and feel good about life in general. There is a good message and the family can sit around and look at each other and say “let’s put the divorce on hold another month or two.” With GREMLINS, the tone is set instantly and we see a girl rediscover some joy surrounding the Xmas holiday after a tragedy. Kate’s journey in this film was more interesting than Billy’s, but Billy had to deal with his father. With his kitchen companion and bathroom buddy, you know the bedroom friend was around the corner. I’m sure his wife would be yelling “where’s the vacuum you fat fuck?!”
I still love GREMLINS. It’s very 80’s and I love the 80’s. The gremlins were very amusing and they were unique. They were more of a pest than a jerk. They weren’t being mean. They were amusing themselves at the expense of others and that made it that much funnier. For a Christmas movie, this one sort of falls flat. There is Xmas décor, but it isn’t much of a focus in the film. It supports Kate’s backstory, but this wouldn’t necessarily count as an Xmas movie. In a typical Xmas movie, the holiday becomes a character and has a presence throughout, interacting with the other characters from the start through the end. We don’t see that here. So as an Xmas movie, it falls short, but as a fun monster movie that you can watch with your kids, GREMLINS is a big winner.
Rating: 7.5/10