By Geno McGahee
I typically don’t like Holiday movies that have Santa involved. I love Christmas and I love the joy and décor. I love watching holiday movies, but when they put magical stuff into them, I tend to not enjoy them as much, but there are exceptions. In CHRISTMAS TOWN, a film from 2008, has magical shit in it but I watched it through. I don’t know why I did, but I did.
Liz (Nicole de Boer) sees Christmas as only a method to sell houses. She immediately sells a house because of all the holiday décor she put out on the lawn. I wish they did that when they sold me my house. I would have paid more if they had Christmas shit everywhere and told me how cool it would be to own the house during the holiday season. I would pay less if there was a Santa sitting there as an added holiday bonus decoration and he said “sit on my lap and we will talk about the first thing that comes up.”
When Liz gets home, she gets a phone call from her dad, Jack (Garry Chalk), and she finds out that he is living in some place called “Hollyville,” a Christmas town of some sort. Mason (Gig Morton), the young son of Liz, starts getting really excited about seeing Grandpa in Hollyville and resents his mother’s lack of love for the holiday. She’s making money hand over fist and they are living in an incredible home. What the fuck else does that ungrateful shit want?
Worried about her dad, Liz agrees to take the trip to Hollyville with her son. Along the way, the car breaks down, but they stumble across the town anyway. That’s when things get really strange. I began thinking of the movie POPULATION 436, but this film is far creepier. For creep factor, I must start with Kevin (Patrick Muldoon).
As Liz and Mason go to grab a bite to eat at the Egg Nog Diner, they meet the owner, Kevin, and he is fucking weird and has the worst hair I’ve ever seen. It looks like Jim Carey’s hair heavily blown dried from DUMB & DUMBER and he immediately welcomes himself to the lives of both Mason and Liz. What an intrusive fuck he is. I also found it odd how he is sitting with Roxie (Karin Konoval), the town mechanic, and forcing more whip cream on her. Roxie is weird too, but that fucking Kevin seemed like a walking hard on to me from jump that I wouldn’t trust around animals.
While in town, Liz and Mason stumble upon N.P. Enterprises, which is obviously a factory where Santa and his team of elves make shit. Otis (Gabe Khouth), a really creepy guy, runs over to Mason and yells to “take a picture. It’ll last longer!” I began to think that this is the town where all the TO CATCH A PREDATOR guys go after the show.
Liz finds out her dad is working at the Egg Nog Diner and she is not happy. She tears into him about this career choice, which is fucked up. Jack, her dad, is old as fuck and wants to run down the clock in his own way, but she sees him as an embarrassment. She should try my family on for size. I wish my dad worked at a diner in his golden years. I wish my dad worked, period. I wish my dad found joy in Hollyville, but they’d boot him out. He was a real prick. They’d probably shove a king-sized candy cane up his ass too as a going away present.
There’s a Christmas festival happening and Mason is becoming convinced that he has found Santa, the elves and the workshop. When Liz doubts him, he hauls ass, all pissed off. What an ungrateful prick. I’m sure that Liz loads him up with gifts every year considering the great house they lived in and the amount of houses that she sells.
Jack takes his daughter aside to talk to her about Christmas spirit and that mother fucker, Kevin, stands right in the middle of them, listening in. Jack should have said “get the fuck out of here Kevin. I’m talking to my daughter you goofy prick.” After they finish their discussion, some very strange guy that I would not trust around a dog and a vat of peanut butter comes up with a mistletoe and holds it over Kevin and Liz’s head, asking for a “smoochy smooch.” The crowd starts chanting “kiss!” She doesn’t, thankfully.
Mason sneaks into the factory and runs into Santa and Santa says “this is going on your naughty list” and starts laughing his fat ass off. What the fucking hell is that about? If Santa doesn’t take the naughty list seriously, why the fuck are kids worried about it?! Mason should have took a shit in his sleigh to see if that changed his opinion on the naughty list.
I began to wonder if fucking goes on in Hollyville. Jack dances with Roxie and he has mad skills. Not many can keep the steps flawlessly while sporting a raging boner. Jack should have told his daughter that he “came to Hollyville for the pussy.” I would have loved that shit. I would have enjoyed this movie a lot more.
As creepy as Kevin is, Liz still takes a liking to him. WHY?!!!! Liz is hot and successful. She should have zero problems getting dates, but she actually starts liking Kevin, a VERY weird dude with a VERY weird hairstyle? This makes no sense. I know a lot of girls that have dates losers, but I can’t see this working and the fact that Kevin lingers around her dad all the time is fucking odd. I would stay “before we start dating, I need to know if you’re blowing Jack.”
CHRISTMAS TOWN is totally fucked from start to finish. (Spoiler) Liz realizes that Santa is real and apparently chooses to stay in Hollyville with creepy Kevin while her dad stands his fat ass there and smiles. How did I make it through this? Has Hallmark prepared me to endure anything thrown at me? Maybe so. What’s fucked is that Muldoon can be good, but he talks in a weird dog-raping voice in this one and has the worst hair ever.
I cannot, under ANY circumstances, recommend this movie. It’s a terrible fucked up film that sucks donkey dong.
