By Melissa Antoinette Garza
I am about to lose all my male readers in 3……2…….1
BLIND DATE (1987) is a better Bruce Willis film than DIE HARD (1988).
Wait! Wait! Come back! Okay, fine! DIE HARD is a superior movie, but I enjoy BLIND DATE so much fucking more!
The film opens with Walter Davis (Bruce Willis) rushing to work to impress his boss with a presentation. There’s a dinner that evening and though his work is good, he looks like a schlub. He gets called out on his messy suit and disorganization. The hope is that he can make a far better impression at the work event later. He’s meeting an important client and needs to show up at the restaurant with the perfect date.
The problem is Walter isn’t a “perfect date” type of guy. His gals never work out and despite his best efforts no one from his little black book is available. Desperate, he goes to his louse car salesman brother Ted (Phil Hartman). At first, he asks to borrow Ted’s wife Susie (Stephanie Faracy), but the two have anniversary plans. Instead, Ted sets him up with Susie’s cousin Nadia (Kim Basinger).
Now Nadia is great but there’s only one rule. She can’t drink alcohol or she gets super crazy. Walter is told this but the cad is thinking that she gets sexy when drunk – not crazy. Before anyone starts screaming “date rapist,” he wasn’t trying to get her smashed to fuck her, so stop with that dramatic bullshit. Go peddle that noise to another fem. I’m bored with it!
Walter picks up Nadia and sparks are flying. They hit a museum before dinner that Nadia knows about. The art is very reminiscent of H.R. Giger’s work so when watching the flick, pay attention to the background at the museum. It’s very cool.
Everything is going amazingly, when Nadia’s crazy ex David Bedford (John Larroquette) shows up. He’s a psycho defense attorney who is infatuated with Nadia. He’s also comedy gold. Nadia tries to hide and Walter tries to reason, but David is off the wall and attacks. He gets his hand stuck in a sculpture and the new couple makes their escape. If you want to have the conversation about how the character of David downplays domestic violence and stalking and how wrong it is, do it somewhere else. I’m bored with that, too. He’s the villain and he’s fucking hilarious. Enjoy the movie! Thank you.
They hit a studio and listen to Walter’s friend play guitar. It is there that Walter decides to bring out the champagne. They have a bit and it hits Nadia hard. She starts kissing Wally-boy who is enjoying the attention though a bit surprised.
At the work event is when things go really off-the-wall crazy. She acts the way I act when my mom says, “see, this is why we can’t take you to nice places.” I’m not a country club girl and Nadia when drunk isn’t either. She calls everyone’s shit out. It’s amazing. I don’t want to ruin anything but she’s hilarious and just doesn’t give a fuck.
The end result is that Walter loses his job and just wants to bring Nadia home. Nadia isn’t ready to go home and wants to party, but David isn’t far behind and in a series of hilariously similar skits he tries to catch them but runs straight into storefronts. It’s the gag that keeps on giving.
Nadia wanders into a disco where Walter is forced to follow. She dances with him and kisses him. That makes him forget about his whole unemployment thing for a bit. Things don’t go up completely though. Later his car gets jacked and right as Nadia gets sober, Walter has a nervous breakdown. This time, they hit a party with all of Nadia’s high-class friends and Wally-boy lets his wild-side show. It’s great. He knocks a guy in a pool while yelling “mambo.” The slapstick in this film is just fabulous.
In the end, it’s obvious the two kids are in love. Things don’t go smoothly as Walter gets arrested and Nadia agrees to marry David if he helps get Walter off. When Walter finds out, he becomes determined to stop the marriage.
Everyone is spectacular in this flick. From the supporting cast of Phil Hartman and William Daniels as David’s father to the major players of Kim Basinger, Bruce Willis and John Larroquette. First, I have a super huge crush on Kim Basinger. Ever since 9 1/2 WEEKS (1988), I’ve loved her so. She just is amazing in everything and this is no exception. She’s funny and silly and steals the show.
As for Willis, he brings his charm, his dimples and the coy shyness that makes him awesome. He has great delivery and excellent timing.
Lastly, Larroquette is just the man! He can do anything. From giving the horrifying narration to TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) or being an evil KKK member in TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE (1983) or bringing the laughs on NIGHT COURT (1984), he sells every minute. Once again in BLIND DATE, he hits it out of the park. He’s terrific.
God, I love the 1980s! When you don’t have asshole censors and money-man pussies telling you to water shit down to appease the perpetually offended, you can actually make something that’s funny! Hey SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, take note, motherfuckers! Be funny again. Offend me. I don’t’ care. Just make me laugh!
After watching this, I kept talking about how the film wouldn’t be made today. Nobody would have the balls to make a mainstream go of it, and it’s not that it’s heavy or violent or filled with nudity and sex. Still, I think the theme of a fem being given alcohol by a dude looking to score would be enough for people to freak the fuck out. It doesn’t matter that he faced a whole shit ton of consequences for trying to do that. What I’m trying to say is – please for the sake of humanity and humor – just grow a set.
Cool?
Cool.
As for the flick, own this. It’s hilarious. I love it. I’m going to go watch it again, now.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10
