By Melissa Antoinette Garza
Well, I give the Devil his due, so it would be wrong for me to deny Roger Ebert his. Roger Ebert wrote a good movie. There I said it. Don’t make me say it again!
Directed by Russ Meyer, BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1970) started off as a sequel to VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1967). In the end it became its own thing entirely and a parody of the classic.
The film opens as a woman lay naked asleep in bed. An assailant comes in and puts a gun in her mouth. She wakes and screams as the scene shifts to full-fem band, The Kelly Affair rocking a small party.
The band consists of Kelly Mac Namara (Dolly Read) on vocals, Petronella (Marcia McBroom) on drums and Casey (Cynthia Myers) on guitar. The group does well, but the crowd is very vanilla. Nonetheless, they get their $300 and go smoke weed in the van. Their manager and Kelly’s boyfriend Harris (David Gurian) join them.
Things get hot and heavy between Kelly and Harris. She tells them that she wants to make love, but wants to do it in L.A. Have you seen Kelly? I don’t care where on earth they were, it is worth the trip! She is spectacular.The fact that he got to second base with her should give him fantasy fodder for life. Damn that boy is lucky!
Still, Harris doesn’t have fond feelings for Los Angeles. He thinks it’s filled with perverts, religious zealots and filth. When he finds out about Kelly’s rich aunt Susan Lake (Phyllis Davis) he reluctantly agrees.
Susan is a successful photographer and heads up a risque modeling agency. She’s delighted to see Kelly. Kelly’s mom was 14 years older than Susan and she was the black sheep of the family. She disappeared and was left entirely out of the family estate thus leaving Susan with a cool mil. She’s as generous as she is beautiful and immediately insists that Kelly take 1/3 of the cash. She then invites the band and Harris to a party she’s having.
Less generous is her attorney Porter Hall (Duncan McLeod) who thinks Susan is falling for a line. He’s a dick. Correction, he’s a money-hungry dick. Fuck that guy!
At the party, the group are introduced to mogul Ronnie the Z-MAN Barzell (John Lazar). Ronnie is very sexy and totally my type from head-to-toe. His short shag hair cut, his colorful ascot and his plush velvet brown suit would be enough for me to sign my soul to him, but he offers more. He has these wonderful hazel eyes and a naughty little smile that is irresistible. Now, he’s into guys more than girls, but there are plenty of great looking gents in this flick he could be with too – or and hear me out, what about a group orgy?
This is about that time in the movie when I start chanting, “Okay ladies, pile up on Z-Man.” Don’t judge me. Everyone needs kicks! Sadly, I’m denied. I don’t get to see Z-Man have fun. Damn Ebert!
Barzell takes an immediate liking to Kelly. Goddammit those two sensational people need to get naked now! He shows her around the party and makes sultry comments about some of the models and their sexuality. I want to be at that party! Are we sure this was written by Ebert? Roger Ebert? Okay….fine. He did a good job
Z-Man gives Kelly a tour of the house where every room leads to people making love. Yummy! That’s what I want to see them doing!
One person doesn’t like Z-Man. That is Harris.When he arrives at the party with Petronella and Casey, he starts looking around to find Kelly. I gotta say I’m team Z-Man. Harris is a pious, judgmental prick who loves watching porn but has no respect for the actresses or their craft. When sexy adult film star Ashley (Edy Williams) makes moves toward him, he’s a dick about it. He flirts a little but is an insulting jackass. Ashley turns out to be a bitch anyways, but Harris is cruel to her for unjustified reasons. Fuck Harris.
At the party, Kelly hires Z-Man as her manager and they rename the band The Carrie Nations. Harris doesn’t like it and the more Kelly distances herself the closer he gets to Ashley. Kelly is not lonely though. She hits it off with blonde pretty boy douche-bag Lance (Michael Blodgett). Lance pushes Kelly into demanding $500K. He’s money-hungry but pretty up front about it.
Meanwhile, Porter finds Casey and makes some obscene comments forcing her to leave the room. There she meets gorgeous Roxanne (Erica Gavin) who she starts a sexy, but dysfunctional relationship with. Roxy is a bit of a control fanatic and pushes an abortion on Casey that she’s not feeling but goes thru with anyways.
Petronella also finds love with a sweet gent named Emerson (Harrison Page). She screws things up by sexing up a nutjob boxer who doesn’t want things to end on a one night stand.
Drugs, abortions, infidelity and greed get the best of everyone and all the concerns that Harris had about L.A. prove true.
Things come to a head when naughty Z-Man makes a move on Lance and is shot down. He does get some sexy revenge and ties Lance up while he sits in a delightful King costume. That scene stimulates all of my senses. Sexy fem boys always get me going and damn Ronnie wears fem boy perfectly.
Ronnie reveals a secret about himself and goes on a rampage. I still want him naked and on top of or underneath someone. I’m not picky. It’s fiction. He is so delectable and I’m sort of on his side here. Lance was a dick. Fuck Lance. Not to mention, I think his secret makes him even sexier. I won’t reveal it for the few of you who haven’t seen it – but it’s definitely in my wheelhouse of fetishes.
BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1970) is an enjoyable over-the-top ride. It’s a self-aware REEFER MADNESS (1936). It’s silly, sexy and the cast is filled with fem goddesses unlike any others.
For those who don’t have this readily available, it’s free on CINEMAX. I watch mine thru that channel on AMAZON PRIME.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10
