By Melissa Antoinette Garza
I’m going into full fem goddess mode tonight. I only vaguely remember hearing about BACHELORETTE (2012). I never saw it, but it’s free on NETFLIX. I know the female leads to be accomplished and talented actresses so going in, I had moderate expectations. I enjoy films of this ilk, I like the people in it. I haven’t seen too much of Leslye Headland’s work, but having a fem write and direct can add a genuine voice to female driven work.
BACHELORETTE (2012) starts when Becky (Rebel Wilson) invites her friend since childhood Regan (Kirsten Dunst) out to lunch to share some news. Regan is a self-involved twit who cuts Becky off every chance she gets. She doesn’t really know she’s doing it, but the chick could be more self-aware. When Becky goes to tell her what’s going on, Regan automatically assumes she was dumped. Becky is a bigger girl and was teased by everyone in high-school and Regan is under the misguided impression that Becky is still viewed as a loser by everyone around.
Becky is getting married to her dashing and kind fiance Dale (Hayes MacArthur). Regan is shocked. She finds herself to the be the prettiest and best catch of their group and can’t believe that the girl that was called pig face in school was proposed to before her – and by a good looking gent, no less.
She feigns happiness and agrees to be maid-of-honor, but upon leaving immediately calls their mutual friend Gena (Lizzy Caplan) to bitch. Before, Regan can tell Gena about Becky, they conference in fellow friend Katie (Isla Fisher). Katie works retail and is loud and ditsy, but she can still turn it on and have a good time. Regan and Gena both agree to fly out and be bridesmaids in the wedding.
Gena grabs some cocaine to bring while Regan handles the wedding plans. Regan is a complete wench to the planner. She’s 100% bitch while pretending to be gal pal. Fem jealousy is so stupid! I feel bad for Regan because she’s highly successful, extremely intelligent, conventionally beautiful and if not for her insecurity would be a fully evolved fem goddess.
When Becky arrives she is thrilled to see her childhood friends. She warmly welcomes them and Katie for all her wackiness is genuinely kind. She gets emotional when hugging Becky. It’s a touching moment and it’s seriously upsetting that Regan seems annoyed by it. Regan is so sad and unfulfilled in her own life that she’s taking it out on her best friend who is getting married. As someone who would walk thru fire for my best friend, I just don’t get that mindset. I know it exists. I worked in office atmospheres with women like that who were just as self-involved and insecure. It’s the Why Me/Why Not Me complex. She’s the kind of person who when she stubs her toe she shouts “why me” and when her friend wins the lottery, she thinks, “why not me?” I pity the people who can’t take joy in the successes of their friends because all they are doing is stripping themselves of more joy.
After the hug, Becky tells the girls that they need to keep the party low-key. Her intention is to have the bridesmaids keep it low-key with just champagne and convo in the suite upstairs. Katie and Gena pretend they are game, but immediately do coke as soon as they’re alone.
Cocaine not completely hitting the spot, when Katie’s high-school pot dealer Joe (Kyle Bornheimer) starts giving her the eyes, she asks him for weed. Joe seems very sweet. He’s a vanilla guy, but he has a job and isn’t a douche.
At the rehearsal, Gena sees her old love Clyde (Adam Scott). She dated him years ago and never truly got over him. She seeks him out and they share some awkward conversation. He’s with a much younger gal and she openly chides him for it. Honestly, she hits below the belt. The woman isn’t that much younger than Clyde. She’s an adult. It’s more fem cattiness that I hate.
Speaking of fem cattiness, Regan isn’t getting any better at this point. Becky’s cousins put together a weird little celebratory dance number and though they weren’t really into it, everyone else was polite. Regan openly was a bitch. Not only did she complain that best man Trevor (James Marsden) didn’t wait to deliver his speech, she gave looks of complete disdain to the girls up their jamming their hearts out. It’s not my thing. It wasn’t Becky’s thing, but the ladies tried. It isn’t YOU’VE GOT TALENT. Just clap for god’s sake. It costs you nothing to be nice! I honestly adore Kirsten Dunst. Ever since THE CAT’S MEOW (2001) I’ve adored her; and here in BACHELORETTE, shes doing a phenomenal job at making me hate her.
Gena blows her speech talking about Becky’s old bulimia struggles and Katie screwed up hers by being drugged out of her mind and talking about losing herself. Katie is goddamn adorable. I can’t be mad at her. I know so many women like her. She likes being watched over and taken care of. She wants a man with a job and a Dr. Feelgood to make the pain go away. She needs some fem empowerment philosophy in her life, but she’s great and means well.
That isn’t to say that Katie doesn’t fuck up. She does. She hires a co-worker of hers that moonlights as a stripper to be entertainment. During Becky’s lap dance, the fuckwit calls her pig face. He didn’t go to school with them which means that at some point Katie told him that kids in school called Becky that. Why? Why must fems hate fems? If this only happened in the movies, I’d be so happy.
Becky calls it a night and tells the three to start acting like better people or don’t come to the wedding. So they do the rational thing, snort a few more lines and trash Becky again. They talk about her weight, Regan bitches how she did everything right, but Becky’s in the spotlight. Then they do the unforgivable.
Katie gets Becky’s wedding dress and as a joke, the trio decides that both Katie and Regan should get inside while Gena takes a photo and puts it on social media. Now, one may ask why would they do that. They want to show Becky how hi-fucking-larious it is that two people can fit in her dress. Can you say no class? Can you say bottom-of-the-barrel trash? Nearly every woman has had to endure the wrath of another gal they never wronged. It’s not pretty and here, it’ just awful! Becky is so warm and pleasant. It is easy to see the many reasons why Dale wanted her as a partner. She’s charming, she’s gentle, she’s nurturing, she’s strong, she’s fierce and she’s fucking beautiful. She’s a goddess who would never think to treat another human being the way these friends so thoughtlessly treated her. Still, she’s no doormat – not anymore and she makes it a point to make the girls know that. Rather than respect her, they do everything to degrade her self-worth without her even being in the room to defend herself. It’s spineless, it’s cruel and it’s wrong.
The idiots rip the dress nearly in half. They bring it to housecleaning for an attempt at an impossible repair. There, Regan’s beau Frank calls to say he can’t make the wedding because it would jeopardize his residency. Regan is her typical sweet self and screams like a hyena until he hangs up. I’d hang up too. Good on Frank.
Not only do they not fix the dress, but Katie’s nose starts bleeding all over it. Did their school not get the film COCAINE: ONE MAN’S SEDUCTION (1983). Dennis The Dream Weaver tried to warn them. It’s not his fault they didn’t listen.
Regan tries to call the original dressmaker when they find Clyde, Trevor and Joe bringing a blindfolded Dale to a strip club. Gena flirts with Clyde, but it’s a ruse to steal his wallet. They go to the bridal shop and meet the owner Melissa (Arden Myrin). They have one dress that would fit but it’s the style that Regan would want to wear. It’s so hard to stay kind to this woman. She throws a fit because she doesn’t want Becky to wear it. She doesn’t think it’s fair. She’s just such a toxic friend. I’ve had family members do this shit to me. Behind my back, they talk about how weird I am and how crazy it is that Steve lowered himself to marry me. Fuck them and fuck Regan!
Without the new gown, they decide to have Katie sew the old one. She works in a fashion store and took a class. In need of a sewing machine, they track down the boys at the strip club. For a fem led movie, most of the men are cool. The only scum among them is Trevor who repeatedly calls women “sluts” and acts like an ass. He’s as repulsive as Regan is horrible. They are just two dreadful individuals who have no self-respect and therefore no respect for the people around them. Of course, they hit it off and end up fucking. Two hot people that generally would give me kicks are in a steaming hot sex scene that I have taken zero enjoyment in. They’re just the trashiest two people in the universe.
Thankfully, two nicer people are finding love too. Joe and Katie hit it off smoking weed together. Gena gets into a fight with Regan and runs off with Clyde to fix the dress. They take a subway and start fighting about their old relationship and all the bad shit that went down between them. Gena hurls a horrific insult that will sting the hearts of any FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982) fan.
While Clyde and Gena rekindle their past love, Katie and Joe’s newfound fling hits a snag. At the same time, Becky calls Regan over and apologizes for overreacting. Becky seems to be the only one who can bring out a soul in Regan and even then it’s only one in awhile.
Regan never does find her full fem potential. She does some good deeds. She figures out a few things, but she never evolves into a completely supportive friend. Even when she’s helping Becky, she’s mean to the staff. I love assertive women. There’s a difference between assertive and abusive. She’s the latter.
Gena, Katie and Becky all seem more put together by the end. Gena and Katie have some soul searching to do, but overall they seem to be in a good place.
I recommend this one. It’s not laugh-out-loud funny, but it is a compelling watch. There are a few things I would have preferred them do differently. Still it’s more than decent.
Scared Stiff Rating: 5.5/10
