By Geno McGahee
I was under the impression that David Banner (Bill Bixby) didn’t get with any women because he was deathly afraid of Hulking up and killing her during sex. I’ve heard of a guy that died having sex with a horse. It’s the same concept, except the horse’s junk isn’t green. Remarkably, in the episode “Triangle”, Banner arrives in Jordan Town and meets Gale (Andrea Marcovicci) and hits it off, noting to her that he hasn’t felt like this in a long time. The comment made me feel bad for all those ladies in the prior episodes that weren’t good enough for the Hulk dick.
As always, Banner has a job. You’re never going to find him on welfare. He probably detests people on welfare. After all, he put himself through school and probably got fucked in the ass on student loans and now he has to roam the country and work menial jobs while some fat cellar dweller gets a free check. It has to drive him crazy, or maybe he has mixed emotions about the topic. We may never know, unless they have an episode focused on jobs and the reasons why people work and why they don’t. I’ll keep looking.
David starts working at a lumber company and as much as he puts on a happy face, I bet he hates that job, but at least it’s not collecting welfare. Oh, sorry…I already touched upon the topic. Anyway, Banner has a boner for Gale and the two are pretty serious. I’ve never seen Banner drink wine and be so free to make out with a woman. I wonder if he got that Hulk boner shit under control. It’s like going to a strip club in sweatpants. You have to be confident and perhaps Banner has finally figured this shit out.
Ellis Jordan (Peter Mark Richman) owns the town and the lumber company and just about everything else and he is not happy that Gale is seeing David. He’s got a major thing for her and hired a detective to spy on the couple to see if they were having sex. Well, remarkably, they were and Ellis flips out when he gets the photos, taking his anger out on the private eye he hired, which was bullshit. “You live in the gutter. You’re trash,” Jordan smugly says to the private eye that did a damn good job. I wonder if he treats all the people that work for him in such a manner. “You are a piece of human donkey crap”, I could imagine him saying to the pizza delivery guy.
There’s a shit ton of flashbacks in this episode, showing the budding relationship between David and Gale. Most of them end up with David making a move. I can’t blame him. When’s the last time you remember him getting laid? We learn that Gale is stuck up and looks down on the townspeople, noting her shock that there was a man at the library and he couldn’t have possibly been a resident. “Jordan Town isn’t literary center,” she notes to David and he is amused by the comment. OK, fine, maybe there’s not a great deal of intelligent people there, but it’s not right to insult them. Most of them seem to work. Shame on Gale and David for calling them fucktards.
When the couple gets too cozy, Ellis gets his goons, who could have passed for DUMB & DUMBER impersonators. It was quite amusing to see them look so mad and not being able to get that fucking movie out of my head. So, I’m going to call these dudes Harry and Lloyd for now because I only know one of their names…it’s Bert, but do you like the name Bert? I think that’s a fucking shitty name. I’m not using it.
They kidnap David and drop him off on the side of the road, putting money in his pocket and telling him not to come back. He throws the money back, which enrages Harry, but it shouldn’t have. Ellis doesn’t know that they got the money back. I would have said that David took the money and then split it with Lloyd.
Les (Lewis Arquette) drives up and picks up David on his way out of Jordan Town and immediately insults the people that live there, taking a jab at their intelligence. Wow, the writer of this episode really looked down on the working man…especially the stupid working man that was a redneck and probably inbred. I’m just guessing at what he was probably thinking. In an awkward moment, David begins thinking about making out with Gale as he’s sitting right next to Les. Had Les not been around, it was probably five knuckle shuffle time. Hell, even with Les there, how the fuck is he going to stop Banner from jacking off? If he Hulks up horny, Les may be in for more than he bargained for. We’ve seen the Hulk pissed. We’ve never seen him with a raging hard on that could knock down a building. Les’s ass would have been that building.
David changes his mind about leaving and asks Les to let him out. He gets out and walks to the other side of the road and the goons drive up immediately and they are ripshit. What was their problem? Banner was farther away than he was before, but they somehow knew that he was going to come back even though the only indication was that he was on the other side of the street? This is lazy writing here. They should have had him go to a payphone and call these goons and say “Listen to me you Dumb and Dumber-looking fucktards. I’m coming back and I’m going to get the girl, fuck your boss in the ass and then Hulk up and fuck you in the ass. I’m out.” Then it would make sense that they returned for him and wanted to fuck him up. This made no sense.
They chase him down and beat him up and we get to see the Hulk for the first time. Hulk walks over to the lumber site and starts fucking shit up, destroying the site, but he doesn’t beat the goons down as much as he should’ve. He tosses one of them, but then takes off. Now wherever there is a Hulk sighting, you can bet your ass that Jack McGee (Jack Colvin) will be near. He shows up and starts grilling the workers, but one of them makes a curious comment. He says that “you think I’m going to risk my butt so you can get a story?” Ellis threatened to rape him in the ass if he spoke to the press? That has to be illegal and I’m sure he could go to HR and file a complaint.
With Banner believed to be gone, Ellis kidnaps Gale and holds her hostage at his mansion. Since he owns the town and the cops, he can do what he pleases, but Banner isn’t going to go away that easily. What I didn’t understand is that Ellis had a hot maid. Why not go after her? Why was he so fixated on Gale? Gale was attractive, but damn, Ellis had money falling out of his ass. He could have had a million girls there and could have had all the guys at his lumber company watch him if that was his thing. He sure spent a lot of energy at just getting Gale.
As you’d expect, Banner gets beaten up by the goons again, turns into the Hulk again, and kicks ass and saves the day. They do throw in a twist at the end, but it seemed forced in and didn’t make a whole lot of sense. But, props to them for trying to make it cooler than the usual episode.
Triangle is a very good episode of The Hulk and there was enough amusement to keep me laughing. I highly recommend this one, especially if you are a Dumb and Dumber fan.
