By Geno McGahee
You ever have one of those times when you watch a movie for a second time about 25 years later and say: “I remember that movie being a lot better than this.” Well, that happened as I watched TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE again, for the first time since it first was released. Now, the Geno that watched it in 1990 was wearing stone-washed jeans…so he was in a different and scary place. I have grown a lot since then and now, I have a new perspective on this strange and mediocre anthology.
This film boasted some of the bigger names in horror, including Stephen King and George A. Romero. With these two powerhouses, how could we go wrong? Well, if you look at their track records, we could easily go wrong. Sure, they have their fair share of big hits and well written stories, but they also have plenty of horror entries that I’d like to forget. Need I remind you of King’s contribution to CREEPSHOW? What about Romero’s DIARY OF THE DEAD? Granted, Romero has been more consistent and his worst is better than King’s worst, arguably.
As a kid, TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE was one of my favorite shows and maybe that is why, in 1990, I was eager to praise it. The cast is very well picked and there are some good points about this movie, but there is absolutely zero edge. The entire movie plays out like mediocre episodes of TALES FROM THE CRYPT with each and every character talking to themselves throughout. It’s so odd. They will sit there alone, and say “I’m gonna get that guy” or something like that. They don’t think that the audience is swift enough to pick up on emotions. They had to lead them totally.
The wraparound tale features singer/actress, Deborah Harry as “Betty,” a woman that is preparing a young boy, Timmy (Matthew Lawrence), for her dinner. She has him chained up as she prepares the vegetables to go with the meal. Timmy buys himself some time by breaking out a huge book. He wants to tell her some scary stories and she agrees. Now, couldn’t they do better than this? What adult would sit there and listen to a child read scary stories, especially ones that are for adults, basically? And where did he get this book? If she gave him the book, she must have read it, especially when you consider how big the book is. That thing must have been super expensive and if you’re paying 200 bucks or so for a book, you’re reading it. You’re not waiting for some kid to read it to you. OK, whatever.
LOT 249
Bellingham (Steve Buscemi) is a researcher and has had a mummy shipped to his apartment. Working under him is Susan (Julianne Moore) and Andy (Christian Slater). The mummy arrives and is quite the specimen but the face of the mummy was pretty weak. It looked like a bad Halloween mask. Unknown to the others, Bellingham has figured a way to bring the mummy to life and it begins to kill people, including Susan. This prompts Andy to react, and after some twists and turns, the bad guys win in the end. This tale is simple and forgettable. Despite the star power in this tale and the addition of a mummy (I love mummies), it is flat and boring.
CAT FROM HELL
That old guy is back! You know, the old guy that’s in every horror movie: William Hickey. He plays Drogan, an eccentric rich old man (common role) that has a big problem. A black cat has killed everyone in the house but him, so he’s hired a hit man, Halston, played by Buster Poindexter (AKA – David Johansen). Halston laughs at the assignment but soon realizes that killing the feline is going to be tougher than he had thought. The cat keeps getting the better of him and eventually climbs down his throat. An eating pussy joke seems too easy. Drogan returns and finds the dead body and then the cat finishes the job. It’s not a good tale, but the actors give an A effort. Hickey and Poindexter work well off each other and make it fun.
LOVER’S VOW
The tale that I most remember is this one. LOVER’S VOW features Preston (James Remar) struggling with his gig as an artist. He is not turning any money and his popsicle stick house that he constructed failed to impress even himself. He furiously smashes it with his fist in the opening scene. Damn popsicle stick house won’t make him rich. He then witnesses a gargoyle murder someone and makes a pact with it never to tell. Preston meets up with Carola (Rae Dawn Chong) and they fall in love and then things go well. His art is selling, he has two kids, and they are very happy. They even share with the children how they met. “That was the night you almost got raped mommy, right?” That is an actual line from a 10 year old! What?!!!
Preston breaks his vow and tells his wife about his encounter with a real life gargoyle and she flips out. Women… She (spoiler) turns into a gargoyle and so do the kids and they fly away, leaving Preston with blue balls. He appeared to have no problem staying with her even in gargoyle form. That’s love. There are only a handful of people in this world that would fuck a gargoyle. Most of them I’m related to.
This tale was the best out of the bunch without question but still failed to have that edge that a theatrical release should. The movie plays out like the show and that’s not good enough for a major motion picture. We were heading into the nineties and things were changing but the 1980’s grit would have worked better. This is as tame as it gets.
TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE is unremarkable. It’s not bad. It’s not good. It’s worth a watch (especially in stone washed jeans) and then you’ll forget all about it. I recommend it. Sort of.
Rating: 5/10
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