By Geno McGahee
Hallmark has kicked off their countdown to Christmas movie spree and they start it with YOU, ME & THE CHRISTMAS TREES and it’s not very good. I know the bar can be set very low with Hallmark films, but this film wasn’t written very well, had very little structure and wandered along aimlessly without much happening along the way.
Jack (Benjamin Ayres) owns a Christmas tree farm that is struggling because the trees are dying. He can’t figure out why he has dead wood. As he refunds all the people in the town for their dead trees, he starts scrambling for a solution to the problem and learns of Olivia (Danica McKellar), a “Christmas tree whisperer.” She is having issues with her wealthy family and sees visiting a small town a good alternative to seeing her pretentious asshole family.
While Olivia drives to town, Jack dumps hot coffee all over his lap and burns his junk. He then crashes into Olivia and it’s their first meeting. I think they missed an opportunity here where Jack could say “who gives a fuck about a Christmas tree? My junk looks like Freddy Krueger now!” I was hoping for anything.
Jack refers to the car accident as a “love tap” and I think there was another chance to build on it. They didn’t. Maybe I’m not the demographic for Hallmark movies. I thought a line like “that’s a love tap and I’d love to tap that” would have been good, but maybe she’d leave town and the movie would only be 26 minutes. That isn’t good, but then again, this film could have been 26 minutes and we wouldn’t have had much more than the 2 hour version gave us.
Jack lives with his mom, Peggy (Linda Darlow), and she talks to Jack like he doesn’t know his father is dead. She mentions something that Jack should already know. “When your dad dropped dead, he didn’t want me living alone.” She now lives in an elderly community and is pretty happy, but Jack wants her to stay and live with him and the mom also has a potential love interest. Some guy named Harry (Keith MacKechnie) has a raging boner for her and doesn’t care that her husband’s body isn’t cold. He wants what he sees in those videos and he wants it now.
Olivia comes to town and works with Jack and the two hit it off but neither will make a move on each other. I was wondering what the fuck Jack was waiting for. Their writing is repetitive and it gets old fast. Jack and Olivia keep making comments that can meet two things and it keeps going back to that. I wanted to scream “JUST FUCK AND GET IT OVER WITH!” I know this is Hallmark and their films are without any edge, but this film is really lame. When Jack and Olivia flirt, it’s painful. It’s even worse than when I try to flirt.
Considering that the Christmas trees are failing, Olivia comes up with the idea to plant other things and Jack gets pissed off. He notes that his dad said “do one thing and do it the best and you can look at your mom’s fat face and see what I mean.” I think that was the line. It was something like that. What a bitch Jack is. Olivia is down there helping him and giving him good advice and he gets a hard on a mere suggestion. It’s ridiculous and he needs to be his own man. He cites his dad’s comments often in this one. Later on, when Harry makes a move on his mother, I am shocked that Jack didn’t beat down that hold horny bastard and say “that’s my dad’s poon.” Sorry Hallmark fans if I’m offending you. As I said, I’m probably not the demographic that they are seeking.
Jack plays Santa and that elates Olivia. I would think that it would weird out most women. It increases the chances that the dude is a pervert or weirdo. She didn’t seem to mind. I wish they clarified it and had Olivia say “Jack is cool. He was wearing pants. He didn’t just paint his legs red like those perverts do. He’s a good Santa. You don’t have to worry about his candy cane.”
The best character in the film and the one that you barely see is Dwayne (Jason Hervey). He owns the other Christmas tree farm and he’s a big asshole and there was some potential for some fun with Jack, Olivia and Dwayne having a lot of conflict, but we barely get any. Ninety percent of the film is repetitive and dull. It was in cruise control and predictable. Jack didn’t act like a normal guy either. He kept waiting and waiting and waiting when every sign was there. He didn’t make a move. This is on the writer. I think she saw it as a dangling carrot for the viewer, but he could have dangled his carrot and people would have watched the rest…more so if he said “take a look at my carrot. It’s not a carrot. It’s a prick.”
YOU, ME & THE CHRISTMAS TREES is very dull, repetitive and predictable. The cast is actually good, but there is no real conflict. It’s just two people looking to fix dead Christmas trees. It’s like having a movie about two people trying to fix a sink for two hours. BORING. There was potential here and there, but there wasn’t much effort put into this story and screenplay. I don’t fault the cast or those involved with the production. Nothing could have saved this story and screenplay. It was doomed on arrival.
I do not recommend this … in case you can’t tell.
