By Geno McGahee
“I don’t think that you should have saved me.” – Kurt (David Milchard)
When I heard that there was a sequel to White Noise, I thought to myself: Hasn’t Michael Keaton disgraced himself enough? Keaton gave me blue balls when the first White Noise came out…in the sense that I was expecting a good movie, and got complete crapola. In Keaton’s defense, he never gave any indication that he was going to put out a good movie to begin with. Look at his track record: Jack Frost, Desperate Measures, and my personal favorite, Muliplicity. It was so strange that he had a retarded clone and a gay clone and a tough guy clone, and then they were all screwing his wife to boot! Clones aside, this was a horrible movie, and Keaton cannot make a good movie. He’s likable…but he just stinks for the most part, with the exception of Batman. I liked Batman. There were no gay or slow batman clones that I know of.
Well, I am happy to report that Keaton was not involved in White Noise 2: The Light. Abe Dale (Nathan Fillion) has a happy family with a hot wife and a young son. He has a huge house with an enormous backyard and gets blow jobs whenever he wants…at least I would bet my grandmother’s tits he does. Unfortunately, his world would crumble when his wife and son are (spoiler) gunned down by a stranger while they are trying to enjoy their pancakes. The gunman apologizes and then takes his own life. Dale’s life is ruined, and he eventually elects to take his own life. He is saved by the medical staff at the ER, but the near death experience has done something strange things to him. (Note: Not referring to sexual disfunction, which seems to be tied in with every drug you buy nowadays. Their motto should be: bye bye headache, bye bye hard on.)
Dale now has the power to tell when people are going to die. Everyone that is about to die glows up in the eyes of Dale, and he now knows what he needs to do: save people. He becomes a superhero, beating up the bad guys, and saving lives left and right. The best save was the hot nurse Sherry Clarke (Katee Sackhoff), who can now take the place of his dead wife. Now, with a name like “Sackhoff,” you have to imagine that tearing the “sack off” of her mates is not out of the question. As hot as she is, Dale might want to pass on this one.
What’s amazing about this movie is just the amount of people that are going to die. It seems like 60% of the population are glowing with death. I could see if he were walking around at a nursing home, Bingo hall, or the Mall at 9 AM on a Monday morning, but not in the general public. Whatever the case, he is saving every one that he could, but the good deed comes with some strings attached.
The man that killed his family was going through the same thing, having had a near death experience and discovering the ability to save lives. The lives that were saved, however, were not meant to be, and now Dale has to deal with altering the plan…sort of like Final Destination. Saving the people turns out to be a big mistake and Dale will find that out the hard way as the dead do more than talk to him via white noise.
The dead are harassing him, the people he saves come back to do bad things, and he doesn’t know what to do about the hot girl that is sort of his girlfriend, Sherry. He tells her that he “shouldn’t have saved her,” but it’s not an easy situation. She has to die to save others, but he hasn’t even got to second base yet (unless there is a director’s cut that I didn’t see). It would have been easier had she been some four hundred pound slob with flap jack titties that had a crush on him, but this chick? Decisions, decisions.
In the end, White Noise 2: The Light is a big step up from the original, landing somewhere between The Butterfly Effect, Spiderman, and Final Destination. This film is far better than most horror films that find its way to the big screen, both in storyline, character development, pace, and even production value. This is a very decent film.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7/10. White Noise – Mr. Mom = Pretty Good.
