By Geno McGahee
In 1985, Michael J. Fox had two huge hits. BACK TO THE FUTURE became an instant classic and spawned two follow-ups. The other one was TEEN WOLF, which wasn’t the smash that BACK TO THE FUTURE was, but proved successful. It also spawned a follow-up, but this one did not feature Michael J. Fox. Jason Bateman was brought in to replace Fox who refused to take the role. It may have had something to do with the terrible screenplay.
Todd Howard (Bateman) is the cousin of Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) and is starting college classes on a sports scholarship that he doesn’t totally understand. They suspect that Todd may be a werewolf too and could benefit the school in the boxing ring. Yes, they replaced basketball with boxing for some reason but that is one of the only things that they changed. This story is a near duplicate of the first without any of the charm.
Uncle Harold (James Hampton), who complained about his son, Scott, showboating in the first, has no problem showing off in this one. As he drives his nephew to school, he turns into the wolf to the delight of the people on the street. I’m surprised he didn’t get his fat ass up on that van and car surf like his son did. What a hypocrite.
When Todd gets to campus, he finds out who his roommate is. It’s Stiles! Yes, the same Stiles from the first film that was Scott’s best friend, but NO! This is not the same actor. Instead of getting Jerry Levine, who was actually very good for the role, they opted for Stuart Fratkin. Now, have you ever met anyone cool named “Stuart”? Stiles is supposed to be very cool, but you can’t be cool and have the last name Fratkin either. Where’d they find this guy? He has a terrible mullet and is a very poor impersonation of Levine.
Another character returning was Chubby, played by Mark Holton. Holton played serial killer John Wayne Gacy incredibly well and showed his talent, but seeing him in a repeat here was painful. He literally goes through the same transition that his character did in the first. You would think that he would react differently because he’s already encountered the same thing just a couple years before. What are the odds that Todd, Stiles and Chubby would all end up in the same college? What are the odds that the coach from the high school would transfer there too? What the fuck is going on here? In GREASE 2, it had some of this, but at least most of the characters were in their same jobs that they were in the original. This one doesn’t care if it makes sense or not.
Although Todd suspects that he is not a werewolf, he is proven wrong when he gets upset at one of the faculty members, exactly the way that Scott was with the guy at the liquor store. The only difference is that they didn’t spend the time to match up the red lights to the eyeballs in the sequel. The effect is so poorly done and they actually did it twice. In the original, they did a much better job.
In the ring, Todd turns into full wolf, and begins kicking ass. He is knocking people out of the ring…just obliterating them. Beating normal humans in basketball may not be fair but at least it’s not dangerous. When you put a werewolf with superhuman power into a boxing ring, he’s going to kill somebody. Why would they allow that? One poor guy is launched thirty feet into the air and through a table. I’m sure he’s paralyzed because they threw him in there with a werewolf.
As his popularity grows, Todd becomes a jerk and forgets his friends, and enjoys the newfound fame. Stiles began to dislike him and Chubby, once again, gets jealous. He got jealous of Scott and now he is jealous of Todd. Grow up Chubby.
Replacing Boof, Scott’s love interest that loved him for who he was, not the wolf, is Nicki (Estee Chandler), who loves Todd for who he is, not the wolf. During a class, Nicki gets upset with Todd and throws a dead frog at him, which leads to a “frog fight.” College kids throwing dead frogs at each other…yes, the writer probably has not stepped foot in a college I’m guessing.
The film gets more painful as it progresses. At one point, Todd as the wolf sings “Do You Love Me” to a crowd of people that are all dancing and having a great time with it. It was wretched and poor Jason Bateman. Maybe he considers himself a good singer. He’s not. There are a lot of celebrities that try to sing and nobody has the balls to tell them that they are terrible. Jason, please don’t sing anymore.
Now there is a bad guy in this too. Gus (Robert Neary) is an unbeatable tough guy in the ring that hates Todd immediately, leading to an eventual showdown. This is an exact repeat of the Scott – Mick (Mark Arnold) dispute, complete with blonde girlfriend exchange. When somebody writes a sequel, they need to be true to the original…not copy the fucking thing. Tim Kring is the writer of the screenplay. Hang your head in shame Kring.
Uncle Harold resurfaces and convinces his nephew to fight Gus, but not as the wolf. Harold notes that he has some boxing experience and will teach Todd. Yeah, that’s much better than the boxing trainers at the college and despite my fear for the safety of the opponents, fighting Gus as a non-wolf is not a good idea. Uncle Harold is a piece of shit. He has no good advice, is a hypocrite, and thinks he knows everything. If he was my uncle, I would turn into the wolf and rip his arms off and beat him over the head with them until he was a pile of fat bloody mush.
As a big boxing fan, I have to say that I’m offended by the choreography and overall presentation. Chubby is too heavy for the guys that he’s pitted against and who the hell is training him? Even Todd has no definition and is not in fighting shape. Also, they don’t call knockdowns and the overall officiating is pure shit. Any boxing fan that sees this will puke in their shoes.
Much like the original TEEN WOLF, Todd wins without being the wolf, but you’re just happy that the movie is over at this point. TEEN WOLF, when Michael J. Fox realized what was important and reclaimed his friendship, Boof’s love, and victory, you celebrated with him. It was a great moment, but there is none of that in this empty shell of a TEEN WOLF movie. As good as Bateman is, he doesn’t bring the underlying kindness and weakness that Fox was able to bring. He had the difficult role of becoming the Scott character basically and I’m not convinced that he got good direction. The career of Bateman suggests that he can do just about anything and excels in comedic roles. This was him at his worst.
TEEN WOLF TOO is an insult to the original, an insult to the viewer, an insult to boxing, an insult to life itself, an insult to werewolves, an insult to colleges, and an insult to comedy. What can make it worse? They fucking use the “Do You Love Me” cover by Bateman during the end credits. Fuck this movie.
Rating: 1/10
