By Geno McGahee
It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had the pleasure to watch UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. I actually haven’t watched it since it came out, but since I’m under house arrest like the rest of you, I decided now was the time to give it another look.
The first thing I want to point out is the awesome guys that they got playing the universal soldiers. We have Ivan Drago, Kickboxer, Brakus from BEST OF THE BEST 2 and Zeus from NO HOLDS BARRED. If I had a dream team of action guys to help me kick ass, these guys would be on it and we get it here. This is a super action film that grabs you by the balls and squeezes as hard as it can.
Luc (Van Damme) is in the Vietnam War and has found that all of his fellow soldiers were killed and had their ears ripped off. When he enters the village, he finds that all the villagers have suffered the same fate. He finds his troop leader, Andrew Scott (Lundgren), in a small house, holding two Vietnamese youngsters at gunpoint. When Luc tries to settle things down, Andrew thinks he’s looking at a traitor. The two shoot and kill each other, but they aren’t totally dead. A secret government group is salvaging recently dead bodies of soldiers and is turning them into super soldiers.
We fast forward 20 something years, and Veronica (Ally Walker), a reporter desperately looking for a story. She follows the super soldiers to a secret area and sneaks over to a large box. When she opens it, she finds what appears to be a dead Brakus (Ralf Moeller), but he soon opens his eyes and freaks her the fuck out. I know his name isn’t “Brakus” in this, but I love BEST OF THE BEST 2 and if I see this dude in a film, he’s Brakus. If you don’t like that, fuck off.
The super troops are now on her ass, but Luc steps in to help her out. His old memories and instincts to help people are kicking in. Unfortunately, Andrew is starting to get his memories and instincts back too and he really wants to kill people again and relive the war. I don’t think that Dolph Lundgren has ever been better.
We see too much of Van Damme’s ass in this this. I’m sorry. I know that you didn’t hear me complain in KICKBOXER, but he was wearing a basic thong in that and his ass wasn’t coming at me in basically 3D like it was here. I’m not a pecker checker, but I will say that Van Damme worked hard to get shape his ass in the way that it was and I’m sure that the producers said “look at that apple”, but I would have put a pair of boxers on him. This was a big thing with action stars that were proud of their asses. Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme loved showing off their asses. Steven Seagal probably was self-conscious about his ass. OK, let’s get off asses because I just got off your grandmother’s ass. Remember when people said shit like that?
Andrew starts collecting ears again, but this time they belong to scientists that basically created him and some other unfortunate souls that were unlucky enough to get in his way. As he starts to go ape shit on society, Luc starts to regain his grasp on the world, and they are on a collision course.
Luc and Veronica hit a diner and she leaves him alone to make a phone call and it must have been a long phone call because he ate a shit load of meals. Before he’s done, the waitress asks if he can pay for it. He says “I don’t know,” and she calls the cook to come over and rough him up. This is bullshit. The dine and ditch isn’t done this way. They eat, finish and then jet. This waitress didn’t have a fucking clue.
The cops arrest Veronica and Luc, but Andrew is hot on their tail and he is throwing grenades. The joy that Andrew has is so hilarious in this. Lundgren must have loved being this character. It seems like they really let him play with this role and he took full advantage. I wonder if Brakus and Zeus looked at each other and said: “What are we, fucktards?” They were capable villains, but Lundgren was the choice. They made the right choice. Zeus was good in NO HOLDS BARRED, but he needed another role to prove himself. If he was in a sequel called NO LUBE BARRED, then maybe I could see him in the lead in this. Brakus just got fucked. Brakus was great. I think they missed the boat with him. He could have been the man in action films.
At one point, it seems that Luc killed Andrew, but bad guys don’t go away easily and we get a great finale and final fight scene between the two stars of this film. This film is so good and so well-paced that I was upset when it was over. I can’t recommend this one enough. It was such a great film and is easily up there with Van Damme’s best entries alongside KICKBOXER and TIMECOP.
