Reviewed by Geno McGahee
“If you leave me, I’m going to be very naughty.” – Fitzgerald Fortune (Barry Morse)
I like unsavory characters in film. I enjoy the bad guys and I especially like the bad guys when they are complete pricks and enjoy it. Now when you ad one of these characters to a Twilight Zone, you know that you are going to have a winner and you certainly do with “A Piano in the House,” one of the more amusing episodes.
We begin with Fitzgerald Fortune (Barry Morse) seeking a gift for his young wife’s birthday. She wants a piano, but being the asshole he is, he is trying to find her one of those pianos that play music without any human interaction. He did this because he didn’t want her to embarrass herself by taking lessons and possibly failing. He was just being a prick and found it amusing when he brought it home and explained why he bought that particular model. Esther (Joan Hackett), the young wife, is not amused, and I can’t believe that I’m going to say this, but she is hot. I have never found a hot Esther before…maybe it’s just a generation thing. Nobody names their children “Esther” anymore. I have never found a hot Fitzgerald either.
The piano does more than play music. It can actually hypnotize a person, forcing them to expose their deepest secrets, which is something that Fitzgerald immediately takes interest in. He begins with his poor butler, Marvin (Cyril Delevanti), a miserable old man…very old actually. He looked like he was 200 years old and he was just about out of a job. Fitzgerald was sick of his attitude and how everything was a downer to him, but when the piano played, Marvin smiled from ear to ear and danced with joy. He was actually a happy man but didn’t show emotions. He wasn’t into PDAs (public displays of affection). In other words, he wasn’t going to suck off Fitzgerald at McDonalds. He kept to himself, but the piano changed him and made him divulge his secrets. It also worked with Esther…who admits that she has grown to hate her hubby and rightfully so. I can’t believe what a piece of crap this guy is.
This piano is too much fun for just a few, so Fitzgerald prepares it for a party he’s throwing. He’s going to have a lot of fun at everyone else’s expense, starting with Marge (Muriel Landers), a big boned lady. I’m sure that Fitzgerald would call her a “lard ass” or a “blimp,” but that’s just jerk talk. So, this lard ass comes over and starts taking shots at herself, making light of her weight problem, saying things like: “Diets, what’s that?” Well, we all know these people that are overweight by a ton and make fun of it themselves, and that’s cool. I wish more people employed that. They would take the power away from their tormentor. Picture two people standing face to face, one fat, one thin, and the fat guy says: “I’m a lard ass,” and then the thin tormentor says: “Yep, you hit the nail right on the head tubbo.” Wait, that didn’t work at all.
The music works on Marge as she too dances around the room and talks about being a little girl and also how she craves a man in her life. Fitzgerald bursts with laughter and then throws it in Marge’s face when she comes to. He thought it was hilarious to humiliate her in front of the crowd, but when his wife hits him with some music, his tune quickly changes and this tale goes from good to great.
The secrets of Fitzgerald are exposed, and although this tale is fantastic all around, the ending by far is the best part. I found it very amusing to see him erupt.
This is a great episode from start to finish and it once again shows the human nature of people. Part of what I liked about it was that it challenged your way of thinking as Serling often does. Who is more in the wrong, Esther for her infidelities or Fitzgerald for being a complete asshole? It makes you think and I really enjoyed this tale. This episode features one of the best villains in TZ history and if you haven’t seen it, what are you waiting for, a piano up your ass?
Scared Stiff Rating: 9/10. If you don’t read this review, I’ll be naughty!