By Polly Hughes
I just watched THE GOONIES, a film from 1985 and when I saw Chunk (Jeff Cohen) do the truffle shuffle, I wondered why I didn’t make my nephew do it when he wanted his new He-Man action figures. He still collects them. Grown ass man collecting He-Man action figures…now I’ve seen everything.
THE GOONIES was from a good time. The 1980’s. Y’all know I had that big hair and ripped jeans that all the hot bitches had and I went to see this film with my then boyfriend, James Hughes, at the time. Did he always talk like he had a dick in his mouth? He’s in the kitchen now and I can’t understand a word the fucktard is saying. Houston, we have a problem…more like Houston, he has a dick in his mouth.
So we have this group called “The Goonies” and they are going to be pulled apart by these developers that are closing in on some family homes. They have one shot to turn it around and that is following a treasure map. Mikey (Sean Astin), his older brother Brand (Josh Brolin), Chunk, Mouth (Corey Feldman), Andy (Kerry Green), Stef (Martha Plimpton) and Data (Jonathan Ke Quan) team up and have an adventure that involves a family of killers, deadly traps and more. Oh what fun I had with this movie.
Mama Fratelli (Anne Ramsey) and her two sons, Francis (Joe Pantoliano) and Jake (Robert Davi), are held up in a closed lodge along with the brother that nobody talks about, Sloth (John Matuszak). They have him chained to the basement wall and throw things at him as they should. My husband James Hughes ain’t too far from Sloth. Why did I marry him? Y’all know he can’t do anything right. That’s why I keep buying batteries.
So, the two groups cross paths and soon the chase is on. Data sets some traps and Chunk gets nabbed by the goons. They always get the fat kid. It makes sense. Fat kids can’t run that fast unless they see that god damn ice cream truck coming. Then they’ll run their tank ass 90 MPH to get their fucking soft serve cone. I remember taking my favorite nephew Geno and my other nephew, Scott, out for ice cream and Scott was all like “oh that’s my ice cream sandwich.” Tubby, apparently they were all yours.
The group goes through some elaborate traps and when they start banging on some pipes to create noise for rescue, strange things begin happening. A bunch of old men decide to shower together but were smart enough to get the soap on a rope. Y’all don’t drop the soap around other dudes. They’ll tear that shit up. Y’all know that. A kid that reminds me of my nephew Scott gets launched out of a toilet and screams “daddy” as loud as he can. That was 1985. Who’d think that he’d be saying it all these years later too. Y’all need to grow some balls.
Sloth teams up with Chunk and even gives him a big kiss on the lips. I bet if they panned down, that fucktard would have a hard on that would make a horse limp for two weeks. Later on, Chunk’s family moves Sloth into their home. That’s just what you want if you have a young boy….a monster with a chubby in the next room over. Y’all know that Sloth jerks off too much too. You can tell just by looking at him.
The team of youngsters find the treasure but are forced to deal with my sister, Phyllis. Well, at least she looks like my sister. Throw her from the train Billy Crystal…if you can take the time away from the shit turd movies you make to do it you hack. The kids get away, the Fratellis get busted but they still are going to lose their houses, right? Wrong. The housekeeper finds a bag of gems and Mikey’s father tears up the contract and throws it into the air. It musta been a magical contract because when it was thrown it turned into fifty pages of paper, and what the fuck is that housekeeper doing? She isn’t making shit for money and was just hired the day before. She should have pocketed the gems, took off, and had a great life. Y’all know that the father probably banged her and told her to hit the road that night. Haters gonna hate.
There’s a lot of dick references in this movie and that’s a scary thing for a movie geared towards kids. Y’all got “One-Eyed Willy” the pirate that they are seeking. Everyone knows what a real one-eyed willy is. Then you have the statue that gets knocked over and the cock breaks off. Mikey yells “that’s my mom’s favorite part.” When Chunk glues it back on, it looks like the statue has a raging hard on and says “I think it looks good.” Freaking perverts.
THE GOONIES is a good flick. Corey Feldman is a nut job but I’m one of his official angels. So y’all know I’m not impartial here. Love that little pecker. The film is charming and fun. It’s a classic.
Polly Rating: 8/10.
