By Geno McGahee
When I was a kid, there was one film that I watched every time it was on HBO and that was the 1982 Wes Craven monster movie SWAMP THING. I was around 10 years old at the time and a 10 year old could not ask for much more. There’s a monster, guys with guns and a final monster vs. monster fight to the death. That is entertainment, but it’s been a lot of years since I’ve seen it and now I have matured, arguably, and realized that this movie is still badass but there is some strange things I’ve noticed.
Alice Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) is sent to see scientist, Alec Holland (Ray Wise), concerning a breakthrough that will grow food in locations that typically won’t because of climate. Alec works with his sister, Linda (Nannette Brown), and is working for a guy named Ritter (Don Knight), a very emotional guy. He flies off the handle with regularity. When Alice and Alec take off together, he starts ranting that he is going to send her home and then notes that women have no business being around his group of men. What is Ritter’s deal? Maybe he had a sexual harassment suit against him and having a woman around wasn’t a good idea.
After a huge breakthrough, the camp is attacked by a bunch of dudes in camouflage. They are seeking the formula and plan to do anything to attain it, including killing everyone there. Ferret (David Hess) is the leader of the goon squad and what better actor to have to play that role? Hess is the perfect guy to play a creep and Hollywood knew it. Did he ever play a role where he wasn’t a total dickhead? Another notable actor that they chose was Nicholas Worth, playing the role of Bruno. They even named him well. Have you ever known a smart guy named “Bruno”? Worth always played a creep or a dummy and here, he’s a dummy creep.
The militant group takes over the camp and hold Alec, Alice and Linda hostage as they await their leader to show up. Ritter comes in and rips off a mask, revealing that he’s a bad guy, Arcane (Louis Jourdan). They don’t do that in enough movies. I want more rip off mask reveals in film. I do think that this could have been improved had Arcane laughed maniacally for 90 minutes after he ripped off the mask. I could have dealt with a 3 hour movie if they added that. Hell, they took out 80% of the tit scene with Adrienne Barbeau. They could have at least given me that.
Alec tries to haul ass out of the lab with the formula, but he falls and gets covered in it, igniting him on fire. He runs and jumps into the swamp and is presumed dead. Alice, also, is presumed dead and now Arcane can move forward with his evil plan. His secretary (Mimi Craven) sits with him and starts telling him how awesome he is. She notes that the “world will bow or starve.” So, at least we know his plan. He’s going to control the food of the world and if they don’t kiss his ass, he’s going to starve them all. What a prick.
Arcane discovers that Alice is alive and that she has one of the Holland journals. He sends his goons over and they catch up to her and try to drown her. Hess has his best line ever, saying “say hello to your boyfriend baby,” but he is met by a pissed off Swamp Thing. Even though Swamp Thing could break the necks of everyone he meets, he seems more content to throw them around. I didn’t get why he wouldn’t just kill them all immediately because they will return and be more of a pain in the ass. Sure, he could possibly give them a broken ankle or bruises by throwing them, but the best thing he could have done was to just grab them and break their necks immediately.
Even though Swamp Thing bails her out numerous times, Alice keeps telling him to get lost. Obviously he is there to help her, but she keeps telling him to get lost. Considering that Alec transformed into this thing and is dealing with the change, the last thing that he needs is severe depression. Alice should have given him a hug immediately and told him that it’s hardly noticeable that he’s now made out of plant. She could have gotten him clothing and a convincing wig and could have took him for job interviews. That would have made him happy.
Considering that Swamp Thing can talk, what’s with the growling? It doesn’t make sense unless Alec growled when he was in human form. At one point, Linda said her brother was a hothead like their dad, but I still can’t see him in the lab growling all the time. Why did he pick this up when he became half plant? I’ve never known a plan to growl. He also screams a lot and without much reason. He just stands in the swamp and screams, scaring the poor birds. I think I know why he’s screaming here though.
The formula successfully merged animal and plant and so when Alec got hit with it and jumped into the plant-filled swamp, the merge began. Alec got a terrible deal here because he lost his dick in the merge. He became more plant apparently and since plants don’t have dicks, he is now the dickless Swamp Thing. I’m surprised the bad guys didn’t make fun of him. “Where’s your dong Swamp Thing?”
Ferret and Bruno are sent by Arcane to take down Swamp Thing and Bruno notes that “local people here say this area is full of ghosts.” That was strange to me. I wonder if Arcane would be pissed if he knew that Bruno was mingling with the local people there and who would want to hang out with Bruno anyway? Also, I find it odd that they would tell him that there were ghosts. You should know somebody for at least six months before you start talking paranormal stuff. You can scare somebody off if you start bringing up paranormal activity when you first meet them.
We get the cut down bathing scene with Barbeau, which is ridiculous! I own the blu-ray and they cut it out? I know I’ve already brought this up, but it’s one of the highlights of the film and they take it out. Swamp Thing does watch her bathe and then walks away depressed. He might be upset that he’s dickless and now, a peeping tom as well. That can be difficult to live with and the next step would be for him to appear on TO CATCH A PREDATOR. I can imagine poor Swamp Thing showing up at a house near a swamp and Chris Hansen meeting him in the kitchen.
Arcane captures Swamp Thing and gets the formula and gives it to poor Bruno and he shrinks into a wolf midget thing. Arcane makes the decision to take it himself and transform himself into something better, but why? He’s seen what’s happened so far. Alec takes it, he becomes a dickless plant man. Bruno takes it, he turns into wolf midget. The odds were against him turning into something positive, but he was determined and he becomes a wolf man too…just a tall one and a dickless one too. He was a rich man with hot chicks everywhere and now he’s an angry dickless wolfman. That is not a good tradeoff. I’m sure he regretted this decision.
The wolfman Arcane breaks a bunch of shit, grabs a sword, and goes after Swamp Thing and Alice for a monster vs. monster battle. The visuals are awesome. A wolfman with a sword is quite cool and adding Swamp Thing to the battle makes it righteous. It is a great fight ending with Arcane getting killed in a brutal way by the pissed off Swamp Thing.
Alice wants to get Swamp Thing working again, but he apparently wants to go on welfare. She offered to be his hands and he refuses, which is ridiculous. GET A JOB Swamp Thing! He walks away telling Alice to “tell their story”, but to who? What story is he talking about? Does he want her to tell the entire story, including the fight with the wolf man Arcane? Who would believe that?
SWAMP THING was awesome when I saw it as a kid and it’s awesome now. I had a great time watching it and found it really amusing all around. I highly recommend this one.
