By Geno McGahee
“Say hello to your boyfriend, baby.” – Ferret (David Hess)
When I was a kid, there were a few movies that I seemed to watch over and over again. One of the most memorable was the 1982 sci-fi/horror monster movie “SWAMP THING.” I was around 10 or 11 at the time and seeing the boobs of leading lady, Adrienne Barbeau, was an amazing thing. You got the monster and some boobs. After all these years, the monster and the boobs are still there and I have to say that this film is just as good as I remembered it, although some things struck me as odd…
Dr. Alec Holland (Ray Wise) is working on a formula to end starvation. He is close to figuring out a way to get crops to grow in the desert and is going to save humanity as the population grows. Unfortunately, his research has attracted the evil rich madman, Arcane (Louis Jourdan), and he has other plans for the formula. Ray Wise is such a great actor and his comedic work of late has shown his versatility. Here, he plays a very dramatic role and he plays it well as Jourdan plays the mysterious rich jerk incredibly well.
Holland is sent an assistant in Alice Cable (Barbeau) and she is instantly the focus of the good doctor. Outside of his sister, she’s the only girl there. I don’t blame him. Unfortunately, Alice turns away his advances at first, telling him to use them on his wife, but he’s not married. She mistook his sister for his wife and surprisingly, Holland did not correct her. This is not the last time that Holland’s silence screws him.
The formula proves quite useful and it grows plants at a dramatic rate. Holland gets so excited that he goes for a kiss and Alice is game this time. She probably thought that if his plants sprouted that fast and that large, imagine what his junk must be capable of. As the celebration continues, in walks the bad guys led by Arcane. They want everything and when the group resists, Holland gets set on fire and his sister lies dead. Holland jumps into the swamp and Alice makes a run for it.
David Hess, one of the best over-actors of all time (rest in peace), plays the role of the number one henchman for Arcane, “Ferret”. I always love to see Hess work. I’m not sure if he ever played a role where he was a good guy, but he didn’t need to. His movie screams are legendary and his deliveries are always memorable. Even in a bad movie, Hess stood out. Another henchman is Bruno (Nicholas Worth), and he is another supporting actor that always shined in films. There are other bad guys that are just there to be beat up by Swamp Thing, but these two guys were great in their roles. Sadly, Worth also died, but his contributions like this film live on.
As Arcane tries to track down Alice, the monster rises from the swamp. Swamp Thing starts kicking ass and taking names and Arcane sees the positive in it. He sees the potential of immortality in Swamp Thing and needs him captured. This leads to another moment of strange silence for Holland. As Swamp Thing/Holland bails out Alice, she tells him to “shoo”, and he holds up his hands saying something like “I just bailed you out and you’re pulling this shit? Seriously?” She then tells him to “shoo” again, and he just walks away and gives her a dirty look. He can talk. Why didn’t he just talk to her? “I’m Holland. I just saved your ass. With your attitude, I won’t be doing it again. Good luck.”
Why doesn’t Swamp Thing have a dick? I know this question is a strange one, but why no swamp junk? I see the swamp, but where’s the thing? I guess it can be argued that he is made of the swamp and therefore would only be plant material and plants don’t have dicks, but plants don’t have arms or legs either. This is baffling. Equally baffling is the wanting of Arcane to become a swamp thing too. He has a hot girl at home and he’s filthy rich. Why does he want to give that up to turn into some monster? Well, this is a movie and they needed somebody formidable for Swamp Thing to fight.
Before Arcane tries the formula himself, he sneaks it into Bruno’s drink and he begins flipping out and screaming. He then turns into a little person monster and helps out Swamp Thing and Alice. Arcane takes the formula and changes into this crazy-looking wolf/pig thing and grabs a sword to take on Swamp Thing in a monster vs. monster finale showdown. It was cool when I was a kid and it is cool now. Screw those that say it looks fake. Have they seen a real wolf/pig/human monters? No. They have nothing to compare it to. Looks legit to me.
SWAMP THING is a classic monster movie. It has the Wes Craven stamp on it, which gives it a certain edge, and the monster, dickless or not, looks quite cool. This is just a really fun movie and I loved how defined the characters were. The good guys were really really good. The bad guys were really really bad. Sometimes a movie with this sort of storyline and characters is needed and it’s executed well here. I highly recommend SWAMP THING for people of all ages, even with the boobs.
Rating: 8/10
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