Reviewed by Geno McGahee
A planet is about to explode, so Jor-El (Marlon Brando) sends his son to earth. A young naked boy sent to the world into the arms of an old man. No, this isn’t about a Scout leader’s fantasy. This happens in the very opening of SUPERMAN. We are introduced to a very young Superman that gets adopted by the older couple, the Kents. They raise him as a normal human, but when he turns into a teen it gets rough. He wants to show off and get some chicks but he cannot. He can run past a train and impress the passengers, but he is not allowed to show his abilities to the world. There was a definite danger with him showing his super abilities. What if he did and it impressed the women and they wanted to have sex with him? Could they handle the ride? The only hope for survival would be if he went faster than a speeding bullet.
Now if you have a good guy you have to have a bad guy. Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) is a criminal mastermind with hopes of ruling the world. Working with him is his dimwit friend Otis (Ned Beatty) and hot girlfriend Eve Teschmacher (Valerie Perrine). Now Otis isn’t much help at all throughout the entire movie and I cannot blame him for his inadequacies. He was ass raped in 1972 by back woods perverts. That screwed him up and all of his misdeeds should be forgiven. He should never serve a day in prison. Luthor was never ass raped…at least not in the movie DELIVERANCE like Beatty/Otis was.
Hackman is a wonderful actor and although he does very well as Luthor, I think that the producers missed the boat a little with him. They geared this movie for all audiences and therefore, to appease the children, they made the bad guys sort of goofy, when they could have made Luthor frightening. BUT all things considered Hackman did well as the bad guy.
Fitting into society, Superman adopts the alias “Clark Kent,” a journalist. This way, he can get all the scoops on all of the bad things that are happening. The problem with Kent is that he is a bumbling moron…by choice. It is the way that Superman sees humanity. He sees all humans as idiots that are in constant need of help. Superman is a prick…a pretentious prick. He thinks that he is better than everyone else just because he can fly and he has big junk. I’m just guessing that he has big junk.
Now Superman has a hard on for a female journalist named Lois Lane played by Margot Kidder. What is wrong with Superman? Why would he want to nail Kidder? She looks like an ugly skinny dude. He constantly tries to impress her and falls in love with her, and as you know, in the sequel, he gives up his superpowers just to screw her! What is that about! Any girl…hell, any guy would take it from Superman, and he is fixated on this hideous woman.
Superman is saving people, beating up bad guys, flying around, while the newspaper boss, Perry White, has a hard on and wants the story constantly on the front page. He wants Lane to spread her legs regularly for Superman to keep him happy and talking for the paper. Now, to make things weird, Superman is romancing her and Clark Kent is jealous. He is jealous of himself! What the fuck is that about and how can Lane not tell that they are one in the same? Get one of your friends, put a pair of glasses on them and see if they can pass off as a different person. It’s absurd. He’s got superpowers. You’re trying to tell me that he couldn’t come up with a better costume? Come on!
The bad guy, Luthor, has plans to blow up California, and succeeds, reprogramming some nuclear missiles and he even kidnaps Superman and holds him hostage so the plan can go on as planned. Of course, Superman escapes and saves the day…well not really. Lane dies! Superman finds her dead in a car, buried in a hole. Superman screams like his balls were punched by a Kryptonite fist. He then flies into outer space and spins the world in reverse, turning back time and bringing Lane back to life, but ruining Superman in my opinion. What possible hope does a bad guy have if Superman can just turn back time and change everything back?
SUPERMAN is a decent movie. Not a great movie, but certainly watchable and fun at times. I am curious to see why no bad guys have ever tried to poison Superman. He eats. Why not give him a super dose of laxatives? He may not die, but he won’t be flying around if he has the shits, will he?
Scared Stiff Rating: 7/10. Not so super.
