By Polly Hughes
(Note: The Views of Polly Hughes do not reflect those of Scared Stiff. We do, however, not censor her work or prevent her work from being displayed on the site. Polly is a treasure and we see her as such. If you are easily offended, stop reading now.)
I was busy snorting coke off of some stripper’s tits when my friend came up to me and said: “Yo, Polly, check this shit out.” I was shown a video featuring some douchebag named “Joshua Feurestein” wearing his “Jesus shirt” and heading into Starbucks to fight their red holiday cups. Some mother fuckers have no life and this Joshua guy is one of them. He looks like Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst if he was slow and he must be if he believes in that magical invisible man bullshit.
Now, this guy keeps rambling on about Starbucks being anti-Christian. What happened to turn the other cheek you geek? Hey, I’m a poet and I don’t know it, but then again I must know it because I’m mentioning it. That saying is fucked up yo. Feurestein is just looking for attention and he’ll get plenty of these shitheads out there that get on their knees every night. There’s only one good thing to do on your knees and it ends with a mouthful.
Just like I wouldn’t boycott Subway for the Jared Fogle scandal, I’m not going to boycott or get them to write “Merry Christmas” on my coffee cup because some fat fucktard told me that God would get a hard on if I did. What are we going to do next, go to McDonalds and have them write a little spider on the cup to make Spider-Man happy? He’s more legit than God…that’s for sure, but he’s not as legit as Hammer. Hammer is too legit to quit.
Dumb ass wants all of his “Christian brothers and sisters” to stick it to Starbucks by having them write “Merry Christmas” on their cups instead of their real name. Oh boy, isn’t that going to make Starbucks angry? More people paying for their coffees and making them millions more? They will be so mad. Hey Joshua, you want cream to go with that bukkake?
I hope they throw this dude in a cell with Jared Fogle. Y’all know that Jared would sleep grope the mother fucker. Everyone is like “oh wait until Jared goes to prison and see what happens to him.” He’s going to be in hog heaven and the hogs will be bleeding from the ass y’all.
So boys and ghouls, it’s one thing to be stupid, but it’s another thing to be so stupid that you follow Joshua Feurestein’s plan. Drink Starbucks, celebrate what the fuck you want to and keep it real bitches.
