By Geno McGahee
My kids (One 3 and one 9) watch a lot of movies that I would call pure shit, but there is pure shit and then there are movies like SPY KIDS 3-D: GAME OVER. Immediately, this reminded me of THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL with the enormous amount of CGI. This entire film was basically green screened. There is a time and place for everything, but the CGI in some of these films is just ridiculous.
So, we have a kid agent named “Cortez” (Daryl Sabara). He discovers that his sister, Carmen (Alexa Vega) was captured by the Toymaker (Sylvester Stallone) and now he had to enter the video game and rescue her. Sly Stallone…you jingle the change purse and he comes running. Here is another example and what benefit does this movie have having him in it? The kids don’t know his work and the adults want to see the EXPENDABLES, not this shit. Well, he’s in it and gives another amazing performance.
Robert Rodriguez directed, produced, wrote, filmed, did the music, and edited this film and as I researched him, I noticed that he did, in fact, do the same for THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL. What the fuck?! The formula didn’t work here and he follows up with that movie too? Oh dear lord. Rodriguez, as much as I want to insult him, has talent. He was behind EL MARIACHI, an example of what indie film is all about. He used his ingenuity, grit, and ambition to make a beautiful film, but he apparently doesn’t give a shit anymore.
So Cortez gets into the game and we have Stallone (I’m not calling him the Toymaker) is playing four roles, each a part of his mind. He has the peace-loving hippy, the war-monger and the intelligent part (this movie is fiction). They all talk to him and he makes funny faces for the camera. So, if you are like, let’s say, an infant, you may laugh at Stallone’s funny faces, but I found his acting nearly impossible to get through.
One actor that tried his hardest to make it work was Ricardo Montalban. He played the grandfather that was once put into a wheelchair by Sly Stallone and gets injected back into the game to seek revenge. Montalban delivers very well, giving a captivating performance despite the mountain of shit he had to work with. You can really see the lack of acting ability of Stallone when they put him across from a guy that can do the craft very well like Montalban. I love ROCKY, but stick with the boxing flicks Sly! Come on! I know you’ve done a lot of shit like STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT and COBRA, but why make matters worse?
It is decided that a final showdown in the real world must take place and we have giant chimp robots and a giant Stallone robot tearing up a city while the Cortez family unites to take him down. This scene reminded me of the MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS movie when Ivan Ooze controlled a bad CGI robot. The look is very similar and equally as terrible and unconvincing.
I guess I’m not the target audience for this. My son, 9, loves it. My daughter, 3, loves it. I hate it. SPY KIDS 3-D: GAME OVER has a lot of star power. Salma Hayek, George Clooney, Antonio Banderas, Danny Trejo, Bill Paxton and Steve Buscemi all have small roles in this. That is a lot of star power, but it can’t help this horrible film.
SPY KIDS 3-D: GAME OVER relies totally on CGI and special effects. The writing is piss-poor, the acting is abysmal (Not Montalban) and it’s nearly impossible to sit through. It makes THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL look like quality stuff. As much respect as I have for Rodriguez for his accomplishments, I have to say: What the fuck?!
Rating: 2.5/10 – That 2.5 is all Montalban.
