By Dash Jordan
Happy Holidays, kids. Dash Jordan here with some more Christmas goodies for you…sort of. You see, lately I’ve been doing nothing but good Christmas-y stuff. Makes sense, this is a most joyous time of year. Unfortunately, there’s a few naughty people out there who need a little coal in their stocking. You don’t even want to know what I did to the last person who tried to spoil ‘Star Wars: Episode 7’.
Now…who’s next?!?
Oh…apparently, I’m next.
‘Santa’s Slay’ is a 2005 horror/comedy produced by Brett Ratner and directed by Ratner’s long-time assistant, David Steiman. The film stars WCW Legend Bill Goldberg as the titular Santa. However, instead of the Santa Claus we all know and love, this particular Santa is actually the Antichrist who was cursed for 1,000 years to bring gifts to good children after losing to an angel in a game of Curling…huh?
Words of wisdom, Dave. So, you think that a horror/comedy about a killer Santa Claus played by Goldberg would be pretty funny, right? No…no, because I can’t have nice things. In fact, this is the most boring Christmas-themed Horror film I have ever seen in my life. Horror, Christmas & Goldberg are NOT supposed to be boring! Hell, I feel bad for the former World Heavyweight Champion. He’s the only actor in this trash who’s actually trying. Think about that for a second, kids. Unless your name is The Rock, Jesse Ventura or Roddy Piper, it is required by law to suck in motion pictures. At the very least, Goldberg seems to have fun watching his acting career go down faster than Kylie Jenner.
If I didn’t know you, I wouldn’t have used that joke…now would I? Anyway, you have all of the usual Christmas-themed gags you would expect from a film like this. Explosive gifts, Icicles, smoke grenades shaped like tree ornaments, and a “Hell-deer” that eats people. Yet, it took me three times to try and finish the movie for this review. The first two times, I literally fell asleep. Out of all the movies that Hollywood is trying to remake, why not remake this piece of crap? Somebody get David Sandberg on the phone, so he can show this people how to make a stupid movie entertaining!
Don’t even get me started on the other actors in this movie. Some recognizable faces, a few unknowns, all horrible. If you’re going to make an insane black-comedy about a hellish Santa, you’re already not going to turn many heads at the Cannes Film Festival. So, you might as well have gone all out crazy. Don’t try to have serious moments about some kid losing his Grandfather after getting ran over by a “Hell-deer”. Sounds pretty friggin’ uneven, doesn’t it?
If you’re going to make a Christmas-themed horror/comedy, you need to have that balance between the laughter and the chills. Hell, there’s nothing wrong with a good gorefest. When it comes to gore flicks like this, they’re always hit-or-miss. You have good ones like ‘Braindead’, and then there’s ‘Santa’s Slay’. Poor attempts at cheap laughter, unbalanced script, unlikable characters, and a professional wrestler who’s way past his popularity as the star. Put it together and what have you got? A complete and utter waste of time. Just stick with ‘Gremlins’!
Sorry Goldberg, but your undefeated streak from WCW is nothing compared to your losing streak in Hollywood.
Until next time, guys…Gotta Dash!
Rating: 2.5/10
Written by Shane Moose
Santa’s Slay(owned by Media 8 Entertainment & VIP Medienfonds 1)
Game Of Thrones(owned by HBO, Television 360, Grok! Television, Generator Entertainment & Bighead Littlehead)
Chappelle’s Show(owned by MGM Television, Comedy Partners & Pilot Boy Productions)
Kung Fury(owned by Laser Unicorns & Lampray)
Gremlins(owned by Warner Bros. & Amblin Entertainment)
WCW(owned by WWE)
