By Geno McGahee
Poor Wings Hauser. There comes a time in every actor’s life when they have to take on a role for the money and it is obvious in the film ROAD TO REVENGE, Hauser was at that point. Written and Directed by John De Hart, ROAD TO REVENGE is a terrible action film, but like anything this bad, you cannot look away. Also, I have loyalty to Hauser. He has earned this and if he suffered then his damn fans need to suffer too. So, Wings, I’m here for you.
John De Hart did not only write and direct this. He also starred as “Rick Bode”, a former cop that is a total badass, and he also sings in it and unlike many films that feature people singing, he sings the entire song…and unlike many movies that feature singers, De Hart is horrible and right when you rejoice that his terrible country-Billy Ray Cyrus impression is over, he also sings the soundtrack. De Hart casts himself as this badass with a hot girlfriend, Cindy (Pamela Jean Bryant), that he is about sixty years older than, give or take.
The storyline is that Huck (Hauser) and Bode (De Hart) are two cops that were set up by their partner, a bad cop, Normad (William Smith) that deals drugs and runs a coven of Satan worshippers. Bode moves on with his life and becomes a limo driver and a part time actor. At one time, he recites some Shakespeare to impress Cindy, and she is super impressed, but De Hart was trying to show his acting chops. He is horrible. Have I said that enough yet? Nothing worse than seeing a 65 year old man with this much of a need to be seen as young, tough and talented. Poor Pamela Jean Bryant. She had to kiss this dude. I wonder if she warmed up by practicing on a Crypt Keeper Halloween mask.
Huck’s life is in shambles. His ex-wife left him, he is an alcoholic, and he is constantly getting into trouble. I would drink too if I had to listen to De Hart sing all the time. Hauser does his best in this role, but he is swimming against the current that is the shimmy and the slide…well, that’s the song that De Hart thought would be the next Achy Breaky Heart, I think. These guys in cowboy hats. I don’t get it. I don’t like it. There is nothing good about it.
With Huck in the hospital, Bode marries Cindy, after a love scene. There is also a vomit scene. It was either Cindy after the sex scene or Hauser in prison. You’ll have to watch to find out. Cindy and Bode team up to report the Satanic cult to the police, but they get chased down by the evil devil worshippers, leading to showdown where De Hart hits the heavy bag like a man that has never been within sixteen miles of a boxing ring or gym, and then puts on his favorite wife-beater to take on this cult.
I have to give a world of credit to William Smith. Normad was an awesome character and he did a great job in this film. His raspy voice and over the top delivery made him a winner, and, for a moment, let me give De Hart some credit. The script and story are not that bad. There are some good action lines, it follows the action formula that is appealing, and it was shot rather well. The biggest issue with this film was the inclusion of De Hart into the movie. He just obviously needed to be this action hero, but he gave no thought to learning how to fight, getting into shape, or learning to act. You can be a bad actor like Sly Stallone, but the guy is built like a brick shithouse. De Hart is built like a shithouse without the bricks. People that have said that Wings Hauser is not a good actor can look at this movie and see how he shines, especially in comparison to De Hart.
Now, before you say that I’m “hating on De Hart,” let me say that when they blared that “shimmy and shake” song as the ending credits rolled and he sat there in his USA flag denim shirt, I laughed aloud. Did he win me over at this point? After 90 minutes of watching him do his best impression of John Wayne if he had a forty IQ, listening to his terrible music, and suffering through his sex scenes, did I finally come around and become a fan of De Hart? No. I think I was just amused that he thinks he is awesome and nobody told him he sucks. All of you Shimmy and Slide De Hart fans out there, I am eagerly awaiting your rebuttal. Perhaps it’s just not my style of music, or perhaps I’m right and when he sings it sounds like somebody is raping a cow.
Overall, ROAD TO REVENGE is a must see for the incredibly terrible wreck that it is. I don’t get to see movies this terrible that often, but it’s not just bad. It’s that absurd bad that only comes around once in every generation.
Rating: 5/10 – De Hart, please stop singing.
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