Reviewed by Melissa Antoinette Garza
“They say a long time ago, some guy drowned in the lake because he had a large penis.” – Bartender (Tabitha Stevens)
I’ve never seen the need or felt the desire to review a pornographic film before. Recently however, some of my favorite old TV shows have been parodied quite successfully and amusingly into adult movies. HAPPY DAYS, SAVED BY THE BELL and the old BATMAN series are just a few.
When I saw the trailer for the OFFICIAL FRIDAY THE 13TH PORN PARODY, I couldn’t resist checking it out. After all, it had to be better than Michael Bay’s version and I’ve seen every other Friday the 13th made. Let’s face facts, most of the films were filled with good looking women having gratuitous sex and then being killed by Jason. I figured how different could the adult version be.
The production opens with a young blonde named Susie (Sara Sloane) entering a small pub declaring she is going to Crystal Lake’s Nudist Colony. Sure, why not? Here, she is informed of the legend of Jason. In a slightly altered twist, Jason went for a swim and drowned because of his extra-large penis. It fermented at the bottom of the lake and thus he became a monster with flesh-eating jizz. Hey, who says there isn’t any creativity left?
Meanwhile, three friends, Asia (Asa Akira), Ricardo (Rocco Reed) and Kyle (Kris Slater) gather in front of the colony excited to reopen it despite the mass murders that have occurred on a previous Friday the 13th. So here we know the characters are just as smart as those in any standard movie with Jason in it.
For awhile, we’re reminded that this is in fact a porno film and not just a run of the mill Friday the 13th. The sex scenes are much longer in duration and are slightly more of a focal point. In one alteration which is absolutely hilarious, Jason actually jerks off prior to killing his victims. One by one each sex-crazed guest and employee of the nudist colony are subjected to a face bath of horror.
Susie and Kyle are the “survivors” finding Jason’s hideout. The two end up celebrating in an ultra-XXX fashion, but the finale definitely leaves room for a sequel.
To be honest, I bought this more as a joke than anything else. I figured I had invested nearly 2 hours of my life sitting through the 2009 mainstream version and that Jason couldn’t be anymore bastardized than that. So I decided, I would watch this as a serious film and review in that way. I’m actually surprised about how easily the film is to review. Without question, porn fans will be happy, but in a strange way so will horror fans. The movie doesn’t insult the series and it sort of plays the way a pornographic Saturday Night Live skit would. It’s more Airplane than Date Movie. Basically, it’s a funny and well acted production that‘s about 25% plot and 75% hardcore sex. I’m cool with that if the 25% is good.
Sara Sloane especially did well in the role of Susie. She was great with the comedy relief and delivered her lines well. Tabitha Stevens who had a small role as the bartender also stood out. She had the best speech delivering the origins of Jason and sold every bit of it.
Another important factor to point out is that the film is very ‘couple friendly’ as far as the porn scenes are considered. Many times in heterosexual pornographic movies, they strictly think from a male perspective where women are really the focus as mere gorgeous sex toys and the men resemble something out of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Here, they actually had some very attractive men who were as much a part of the production as the women and the women seemed to have a stronger more dominant role as well. It really was written more as a short film with a lot of sex scenes than a porno with plot thrown in.
Overall, it’s definitely worth a watch and most certainly better than Michael Bay’s bastardized version. At least, I enjoyed this one.
Though, the scale I’m rating it with is different than what I’d rate a horror movie, it does something a lot of movies don’t. It entertaining, sexy, and kudos to the actors because it’s well acted.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10
