By Melissa Antoinette Garza
Mark Pirro is pretty badass. He wrote, rewrote, re-rewrote and directed NUDIST COLONY OF THE DEAD (1991). It says so in the opening credits. He also apparently made this film on only a $35,000 budget, and it’s awesome.
The film starts when Judge Rhinehole (Forrest J. Ackerman) proceeding over a case between Sunny Butts Nudist Colony and some churchgoing assholes. The nudists are led by Mrs .Druple (Rachel Latt). She’s an older woman who has breasts that hang to the ground. She hates the holy rollers who are trying to shut the colony down, and she’s very sensitive about her age.
The nudists lose because the scumbag religious douche-bags secured enough signatures from the town to scare Rhinehole into taking the city property and giving it to the church. The nudists decide to kill themselves with poison punch because if they can’t be naked, they don’t want to live. Druple convinces them to partake in a curse that will bring them out of their graves when zealots come onto the property.
Ranger Bygbutts (Marcus Aurelius Daniels) raps about an encounter he had with the dead nudists when they returned, danced, spoke and killed a bunch of kids. The police came and shut the place down, but a religious retreat is planned and put into motion.
A bunch of teenagers are sent to the colony to stop them from having sex and getting high. Ooooh, how I hate religious buzzkills! The retreat is led by Miss Stucco (Bea Lindgren) and Ms. Luger (Darwyn Carson), two churchgoers who pushed the lawsuit. They are the first attacked.
The next day, all the campers rise and shine. They get together and do a fabulous, bat-shit crazy, music number called Inky Dinky Doo Dah Morning.
After their song, Shelly (Deborah Stern) finds a decapitated head in the pool. She runs to get help and they break-in to the cabin with all the paperwork. There they find paperwork which details all the murders that occurred before.
When they get back to the tents, there’s a bunch of dead bodies and one living head. The head tells them that it was the nudists who killed everyone. The living teens jump into the van to escape, but the entire engine was ripped out of the car.
They decide to sing a song to God that they aren’t afraid of death convinced he is testing them. They think they can trick him into thinking that they don’t care about their lives so that the test will end and they can survive.
It’s not politically correct and some of the humor would find difficulty with today’s audience. One character in particular, Juan Tu (Peter Napoles) speaks with a stereotypical Asian accent that will certainly make some angry. I’d ask viewers to withhold harsh judgement and trust that no offense was intended. In my opinion, Pirro used it much like SOUTH PARK does with a touch of irony. There’s a few telltale signs, but it is most telling when Lou (Steve Wilcox) uses an Irish slur to insult him.
Lou, by the way, is my favorite character. He LOVES his Bible. He will jump thru a glass window to get it back. He also constantly asks God to make his enemies burn in hell, but then apologizes. I love him. He’s hilarious!
This film is great. There are so many hilarious moments. In one scene, Rev. Ritz (Dave Robinson) gives a sermon where he says that you “can’t praise the Lord if they have genitals in their mouth.” It’s ridiculous.
This entire production is ridiculous. I love the music. The zombies get a number and even Bygbutts gets a second in before the conclusion that sees a demented reappearance of Rev. Ritz.
Oddly, I remember when I was really young I saw one of Pirro’s other films A POLISH VAMPIRE IN BURBANK (1983). I was like 4 years old, so I remember nothing. After watching this I went back and re-watched the trailer for the vamp flick and it looks equally fantastic so expect that review in the next few days.
I also have to give it up to Mark Pirro for calling his production company Pirromont. That’s ballsy and awesome. I’m telling you – that dude is a badass.
Currently, this is on AMAZON PRIME for free and if you haven’t already queued it up, do it now! I love it.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7.5/10
