By Geno McGahee
“You’re not going anywhere until you and I come to an agreement. You jock ass!” – Brell (Kurt Fuller)
I know that NO HOLDS BARRED has not been reviewed kindly by many but those that have panned it have not understood just how great this bad movie is. The movie stars Hulk Hogan as “Rip,” the WWF Champion. He has been making mincemeat of his opposition and has been a ratings hit, which has attracted Brell (Kurt Fuller), the head of a television network. He wants to get that “jock ass” on his network, but he isn’t too interested. There is more than one way to skin a cat.
After an unsuccessful meeting with Rip, Brell decides to sabotage his ride home. He is now trapped in the back of a speeding limo, and he’s destroying everything, which is, for some reason, causing the limo to smash through sheds and be all over the road. When the limo is finally at a stop, Rip somehow launches himself through the sun roof as if he was thrown from an ejection seat in a jet. It’s hilarious.
Rip is attacked by a bunch of Brell goons, including one in an member’s only jacket…that one doesn’t do so well. As Rip beats the hired goons to a pulp, the limo driver is terrified. When the dust settles, only the limo driver remains and Rip is ready to kick his ass as well, but he is in for a surprise.
After tearing the driver out, he grabs him by his coat and smells something. Rip asks “what’s that smell?” With a pained expression, he noted: “Dookie!” I cannot believe that these critics didn’t give this film some points for the limo driver shitting his pants scene. That was easily 2 points on my rating system.
Since Brell could not get Rip, he has decided to scout out another fighting program. He goes to a bar with wall to wall ugly people and watches on as the bar tough guys battle it out. It inspires the show “BATTLE OF THE TOUGH GUYS,” a challenge to anyone that wants to make 100 thousand dollars, tax free. This attracts the “thriller,” the “killer,” Zeus (Tom Lister), a giant with a chip on his shoulder. He must have just been released from prison because he’s wearing his prison uniform. They note his prison sentence later on in the film, but I found it quite interesting that he showed up in that gear. He did show up late, so maybe there wasn’t enough time to change.
Zeus wins and becomes a huge ratings attraction, and then throws down the challenge to Rip. When Rip doesn’t answer quickly enough, Zeus beats up his smaller brother Randy (Mark Pellegrino) and puts him in a wheelchair. In action films, if they don’t kill somebody, the bad guy will put a loved one of the hero in a wheelchair. It happened in KICKBOXER and it happened here.
The Rip vs. Zeus bout is now set and Brell is not taking any chances. He has his two stooges kidnap Samantha (Joan Severance), Rip’s girlfriend, just for insurance. Now, he tells Rip to make it look good or he will be pushing “matching wheelchairs.” Hmmm…now that I think about it, this sort of happened in KICKBOXER too. Remember when Tong Po was ready to take on Van Damme and they kidnapped Van Damme’s brother and told him to make it look good…let Tong Po punish you…that stuff. Both movies came out in 1989, so it is possible that before NO HOLDS BARRED was made, they got a glimpse at the script, or vice versa.
This movie is VERY predictable and Hogan’s acting is noticeably horrible. It is more noticeable because he is across from Joan Severance, a very decent actress. I could just see it in her eyes that “hey they pay well,” but she wasn’t impressed with the Hulkster at all.
One strange scene that I should mention takes place at a diner where Rip’s friend, a tank ass waitress is very happy to see him. She tells Samantha to grab onto him because if she wasn’t so fat and married, she would fuck his brains out right there and then. As Rip and Samantha eat, two gunmen come in to hold up the place, but Rip isn’t going to allow this to happen. OK, what are the odds that gunmen would come in at the exact same time that Rip is eating? It gets odder.
Rip pounces on the gunman. As one is holding a gun, Rip fights him by throwing pies at him. He could have shot Rip at any time but he decides to try to deflect the pies instead. Then he tries to shoot as Rip grabs him. Rip causes about 10 thousand dollars worth of damage but everyone rejoices. The gunmen could have gotten away with what…a thousand? Instead the diner was ruined and everyone’s meal was knocked to the floor. Rip then made his “Rip-Em” hand sign to Samantha. I could see it in Joan’s face…she was definitely thinking “I accepted this role with this meat head?”
As bad as this movie is, I love it. NO HOLDS BARRED is an over the top action film with everything that you would expect from a 1980’s beat’em up. I highly recommend it and they finally put it on DVD…so you have no excuse not to own it!
Rating: 7/10.
