By Geno McGahee
For some reason, we begin this horror film on a train, with some horrible 1980’s band singing a tremendously horrible song. Maybe I don’t like this band because the lead singer looks too much like my cousin Neil…whatever the case, this band seems out of place. On this train, we also have God and Satan sitting across from each other, discussing the fate of three different people, all represented in short stories.
We start with “Harry Billings,” a man that accidentally kills his wife in a car accident due to his drinking and partying. He awakens in a sanitarium, tied up, and that’s where the fun begins. They begin the electro shock therapy, reminding me of the days when my buddy, Jimm, would experience “Cock Shock.” Trust me, it exists. We then have a couple show up at this sanitarium, “The Greens,” who accidentally stumble upon this madhouse and fall victim to “Otto” (Richard Moll of Night Court fame).
Harry is now hypnotized to bring young women to his sanitarium, which he does. All of the women now awake naked and in a padded room, and then they are killed. There are some pretty gruesome scenes in this tale, with bloody, severed limbs hanging all of over the place, and that is when the truth comes out: they are harvesting humans for organs. I love stories like this. You have a couple of evil doctors making a bundle at the expense of many, many people.
Harry eventually catches on to this little game and snaps out of the hypnosis, and plans his escape. Before he leaves, he frees all of the women, but has to come face to face with Otto, who is a pretty big dude. In the end, Otto loses his head, and Harry Billings avoids hell. One for God.
After this tale, we are treated once again to this Neil-looking idiot singing the same exact song with the endless chorus “dance with me.” There is even a reference by God and Satan about the fate of the rock band, and neither seems to want them…can’t say that I blame them.
The second tale involves this girl, Gretta Connors, working in the big city, turned into a porno star by her much older hubby. Glen Marshall, a college boy sees one of these porno films and becomes obsessed with Gretta, eventually tracking her down. Now, with Gretta and Glen in love, the older hubby “Mr. Youngmeyer” wants revenge and force the duo into his death club. A group of misfits get together to tempt death and it comes in the form of claymation. Hey, it was big in the 1980’s.
Poor Glen almost gets stung by a claymation fly, which seems to turn on Gretta. It doesn’t end there, though. A talking computer is next up, playing a “game of death,” occasionally shocking the members of this death club. The talking computer takes a casualty here to the Russian guy’s delight. Yeah, there’s this annoying Russian guy that really gets his rocks off with this game, and they probably included him because of the game: “Russian Roulette.”
Glen and Gretta, turned off by the death, refuse to take part in this game anymore, prompting Youngmeyer to send his goons down to get them both for one final game. At first, you think that Glen’s knowledge of the martial arts was enough to take out all of them, and it was, but those sneaky bastards brought a net with them…yes a net, and now they are at the mercy of this new game that involves the annoying Russian guy and a swinging 2000 pound ball that is going to fall on somebody’s head.
Remarkably, the duo lives through this and get away, living happily ever after. God takes Gretta and Glen as well. Satan gets the shaft again….well, he gets the annoying Russian guy.
Yes, after this tale, we also have some more rock and roll with the Neil wannabe. A scream of: “From the top” begins this horrible tune again. Talk about filler! Now, however, we are treated to some break dancing. Break dancing and claymation…could it be anything other than the 1980s?
The third case is Claire Hansen, a woman that has dreams of Nazis. Mr. Weiss an older man that suffered through the holocaust believes that a young man, Olivier was the Nazi that killed his family. The only problem is that the man that the man that he suspects is far too young. He couldn’t have aged at all since 1944, which is why the police didn’t take Weiss seriously…except for one detective that thinks that there might be something to it. By the way, for you Richard Moll fans. He’s back. I think that he should be in every movie, except for XXX rated flicks. I couldn’t handle that.
Moll is Claire’s husband and an atheist author with a book that really kicks the bible in the balls. He wants the world that there is no God. How does he explain the guy on the train? And how does he explain having his head back after getting it chopped off in the first tale when he was “Otto?”
Claire’s dreams get worse, and Olivier shows his true colors. It is revealed that he is a demon that has been around for a very long time. He was the Nazi, and the detective is on to him. There is also a lot more claymation, but for the time, you have to expect that. Claire discovers that the dreams are a sign and that she has been chosen to face the evil.
The detective then looks back at old photos and realizes that Olivier has been around forever and has never aged a bit. Moll is called to a meeting by this demon/Nazi/mean dude for a partnership, and refuses, forcing Olivier to kill him again. Remember, he died in the first tale…
Claire fails to stop the evil, but God is taking her as well and will also take this Richard Moll, and we end this movie with that horrible rock band AGAIN! They still haven’t learned a new song.
Overall, this movie was surprisingly good. All three tales were interesting, and I will even put up with the Neil rock band in between the tales because it was just that good. I recommend this movie.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7/10 Pretty darn good, all things considered
