By Polly Hughes
(DISCLAIMER: The views of Polly Hughes do not reflect those of Scared Stiff. This is an article of fiction. Any resemblance to any real event is purely coincidental.)
Yo, check this out. I want to say that my family has done everything they could to remove me from their lives. They said that I died. Nope. Did not. Move along now. They got me removed from Facebook with their liberal bullshit. Go vote Bernie you geeks and, by the way, if a dude comes into the lady’s room when I’m taking a dump, I’m going to bite off his junk! No man should ever hear a lady take a dump, even if that dude is wearing a dress, a thong, lipstick and has tits. I better stop. I’m getting excited.
So, since I have no movie to review, I have decided to review a home movie. My niece, Karen, was turning 40 and so everyone came over to worship the queen in stonewash. Oh my god, did she love her stonewash. It’s not just for white trash anymore. Anyway, we begin with my sister, Phyliss, sitting in a wheelchair and waving at the camera. She then laughs as if waving at the camera was a funny thing. My guess is that she shat her pants…freaking Crypt Keeper.
As this gaggle of losers huddle around and wait for Karen to come back from wherever her hubby with a chubby brought her, my fat ass daughter Susan was asked to say a few words. She notes: “Happy birthday shithead.” There is a pause and then everyone laughs. This group of fake fucktards didn’t really find it funny but wanted to let Susan know that she was cool and kissed up to her. Since when is a 300 pound midget with a mullet cool?
Karen comes into the dark house and the lights go on and everyone screams “surprise!” It was just like they saw on TV when they weren’t looking at buggery porn. Karen acts so shocked, but what the fuck did she think all those cars were doing in the driveway? Didn’t she think it was the least bit odd that there were twenty fucking cars parked in and around the home? You know Susan didn’t walk her fat ass a mile to get there, right? Come on bitches. Be real. Karen was just acting surprised and kept screaming “oh my god” over and over again. I’m sure she didn’t do that in the bedroom with her two pump chump.
The crowd cheers and my fat ass daughter, Susan, walks over and puts a pin on Karen’s sweatshirt, noting her age of 40. Susan laughs and laughs like she just won a crate full of cupcakes and then Karen laughs and laughs as if she shat those same cupcakes out. Karen walks over to the wheelchair and that’s when we see my semi-retarded husband, Jimmy, wearing a sweatshirt that says “I love girl scout cookies.” Pervert.
They give Karen a cane, which is so funny. You know, keep on saying she’s old. It wasn’t funny the first ten dozen times. Maybe it’ll be funny now. If you want to see old, you should have seen that wrinkled up lard ass, my sister Phyliss. That was old. She’s dead now. Stone cold dead.
So she opens gifts and you listen on as this family awkwardly laughs at things that are not funny and that sends a chain reaction throughout the rest of this hideous group. Karen’s husband, a bright man (sarcasm), wrapped up a bunch of empty boxes in the obituaries and watched on with a semi as she opened them, leading to a scavenger hunt for the real gift and the clues that she had to follow were intensely clever.
He began with: “It’s red, tall and moves.” Well, Karen ran to the dancing Santa in the window and grabbed the paper, leading to the other clue. “Ha ha ha. Something that is unbearable.” What could this be? Could it be the bear skin with the cum stains all over it, hanging on the wall? My lord, it was. “Something that is used to pop popcorn,” was next and since they did not have a popcorn popper, it had to be the microwave. You see just how brilliant her husband is. He knocked these out of the park. Here is a test for the reader at home. Can you decode this one: “Something that is old and plays oldies.”
If you said “dildo” you would be wrong. The actual answer is: jukebox. We follow up with “it’s one of my little pets.” Well, my goodness. Now we’re getting juicy. Is it a gerbil? Is it a sheep? Perhaps it’s one of those suction cup asses you stick to the wall and have sex with? Nope. This guy cut a hole in his wall and put a mouse statue there and he called it his little pet. I wonder what it was used for. “It’s beyond cold,” was the next clue and now it’s getting really tough. Beyond cold. What could it be? Nana’s vagina? They said cold, not dry. Sorry about that one. If you said “freezer”, you get 10 points. So, Karen goes to the freezer after pretending that she had to think about it, and gets the next clue, and the entire family is roaring with laughter throughout this entire thing. If I wasn’t married to that fucktard Jimmy, I would have stayed home.
Wrapping this up, we have “in something you collect, you will find your gift,” and Karen goes into her collection of metal tins that somebody else threw into the trash, and finds her brand new imitation diamond and gold ring. Credit to her husband. He was able to spell 36% of the words correctly. Good job! This scavenger hunt was amazing and it really awed the group of complete idiots that went to this party.
Susan, my slobter (slob daughter), continues to strut around like a 350 pound peacock and takes pictures of people, laughing as she notices that she has taken a picture of another relative taking a picture of her at the same time. Oh it was a hoot. What a great time this party was.
The Views of Polly Hughes – Karen’s 40th – The overall experience
The pros:
The cake was delicious.
Jimmy clogged the toilet and we kept it secret. I’m sure either Karen or Ron found the king-sized turd and puked all over their tits.
The Cons:
Karen’s fake surprise as she walked into the house, after seeing all the cars parked around the home made the atmosphere feel less than genuine.
The scavenger hunt was not challenging enough.
The forced laughter throughout the party was awkward.
The repetitive jokes hurt the mojo.
The stonewashed clothing made me feel like I was at a Kid Rock concert.
Overall rating:
The party for me was a 1/10. I would not attend another party with these dimwits.