By Geno McGahee
“Our shark couldn’t have killed Overman. Its mother did.” – Kathy (Bess Armstrong)
In 1975, “JAWS” was released and the idea of a killer shark quickly caught on with the public. It made people think twice about entering the water. Roy Scheider played “Brody”, the star of the film, and I mention him for a reason. In 1983, we were up to JAWS 3-D, and they needed a connection to the first other than a big shark and brought in the “Son of Brody,” Mike, played by Dennis Quaid. This film really was a big break for Quaid at the time and got him into the mix as a major player. He would later do DREAMSCAPE in 1984 and ENEMY MINE in 1985. Speaking of ENEMY MINE, the co-star of that film was in this film. Lou Gossett JR plays the boss of Sea World, Calvin Bouchard, and although he may have been in some bad films, he always does well. I always walk away from a movie with Lou Gossett JR enjoying what he brings to it.
JAWS 3-D gets a lot of bad press, and I’m not going to argue that it’s a great film, but it did a few things right (3-D not being one of them). A lot of films at the time used the idea of 3-D as a bonus to get you to pay to see it. It’s still prevalent today…maybe moreso, but in the early eighties, the technology just wasn’t there and they didn’t know how to use it. So, the gimmick takes away from the film and because of the terrible 3-D imagery, it’s easy to laugh at the shark rather than find it menacing. The final charge of the cropped out, cardboard-looking, motionless shark is supposed to be the most terrifying but it looks terrible.
This is one of those amusement park tragedy films…sort of like JURASSIC PARK, but not nearly as good. These sorts of films are always great because they take the places that are supposed to be the most fun and add death to them. Movies about people bombing roller coasters and killer sharks at aquariums are good fun. Immediately, JAWS 3-D filled the fun factor and did it well.
Mike (Quaid) and his girlfriend, Kathy (Bess Armstrong), work at the park. Kathy feeds the whales, plays with the dolphins and gets in everybody’s business. There is a big to do about the arrival of photographer, Phillip FitzRoyce (Simon MacCorkindale)…mostly from Bouchard. He wants good press for the park and for his underwater attraction where the guests go forty feet under water to view the fish and other things like enormous killer sharks.
The annoying and meaningless character, Sean Brody (John Putch), brother of Mike arrives on the scene and if he wasn’t terrible enough, they put him in a cowboy hat. They then gave him a girlfriend, Kelly Ann (Lea Thompson), and used some of their scenes as filler. I found it quite odd that Kelly Ann was pushing down fat guys at a bar in some sort of game of balance and that’s how she met Sean. She would later note that Sean wouldn’t have won if he didn’t use the “crotch trick.” At least his crotch trick wasn’t 3-D. I wouldn’t ever watch another JAWS movie if I had some limp dick thrown at me in bad 1980’s 3-D.
A shark appears at the park and they want to kill it but Kathy steps in and basically demands that they don’t. She wants it to be an attraction and convinces Bouchard to save the shark. They do, but when a worker turns up dead from a shark attack, they realize that there is a much bigger problem. Mama is at the park and she is pissed off.
The guests of Sea World get terrorized for a while and Mike and Kathy come to the rescue after (spoiler) poor FitzRoyce gets eaten and that was pretty neat. They got a lot of shots inside of the mouth of this monster shark as it devoured him. I wonder if he just allowed the shark to digest him rather than fight through the teeth if he would have lived. How long does it take a monster shark to shit out a person? He had the oxygen tank. Maybe he could have made it. Trying to exit through the mouth proved impossible. He’d probably get the nickname “shark shit” if he made it and that’s not good for a world famous photographer. Take my picture shark shit.
The film ends with that terribly non-terrifying finale and the day is saved. Like always, Quaid and Gossett, JR., deliver. It’s not a surprise that they matched them up in ENEMY MINE. The story here is pretty silly and the 3-D is wretched, but it is not without its charm. There are points where it’s so bad it’s good and there are points where it’s legitimately good…and bad. It is a mixed bag, but it’s fun overall and despite it being seen as the worst of the bunch, it’s arguably the one with the most replay value. I recommend it!
Rating: 6.5/10
