By Melissa Antoinette Garza
In another life on another timeline in another realm, I rocked it in the Punk atmosphere of 1970s London. Whereas some say they feel a kinship to the times of Cleopatra or the Witch Trials, I’m a bit more modern. Whenever I see an homage or a celebration of that time-frame, I flock to it quicker than old white men to a war flick. It’s just my thing.
About a year ago, I saw HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS AT PARTIES (2017), but I was over my sister’s and didn’t really pay that much attention. After that, it sort of fell off my radar until I noticed it chilling on Amazon Prime waiting for a click.
The film begins in 70s London with Enn (Alex Sharp) hitting a night club managed by Fem Goddess Queen Boadicea (Nicole Kidman). She’s a tough-as-nails, rock star gal, who doesn’t take shit. As you can imagine, I love her.
Enn is not like bombastic and flamboyant Boadicea. He’s a shy and nice gent. At her club, he sees a girl he fancied from school and tries to make a go of it, but she’s a bitch. She convinces him to sing a song from chorus class and he does. The poor chap does! Why does she make him do it? Punks that are indiscriminately assholes, I have no time for. Punk is fucking with those that are viewed in high society as the cream-of-the-crop. Punching down isn’t Punk. It’s a bitch move. The chick is a bitch. She laughs in his face, but Enn is an optimist. I love that cat. He gets red for a moment but as soon as Slap (Martin Tomlinson), Boadicea’s punk act, takes the stage he’s all smiles. He runs to the stage and rocks it out like a motherfucker. That’s the way to be. Never let them see you sweat and don’t let fuckwits ruin a good night. If they hit low, they don’t matter. Move on and find someone better – and thankfully that’s what Enn does.
After the concert, Enn and his two friends Vic (AJ Lewis) and John (Ethan Lawrence) start their journey home when they spot a house with cool music and welcoming colorful nights. They decide to see if there are any ready and willing ladies and head over. Stella (Ruth Wilson). a lovely fem, answers the door and after a bit of strange conversation lets the boys inside.
The party is intense. The guests and hosts are all in different latex costumes that are just killer and crazy and all sorts of wonderful. Sexy acrobatic routines and strange ritualistic dance steps that are highlighted with fantastic lighting give the boys a sensational show. I’d want to live there!
Enn wanders off and begins seeing that the goings on may be more than just a bizarre and delectable party. He runs into a woman who asks if he was a “virus” the last time. She then shows him her extra fingers and says she manifested incorrectly. He tries to make her feel better and then politely makes an exit.
He spies on a cult meeting where everyone sits in a circle and talks about colonization. One of the members, Zan (Elle Fanning) is not into the plans of the cult. She calls the dude leader on his bullshit. She wants to rock out and have fun, but he just wants them to sit back, observe and consume. At this point, you should probably know that Zan, the cult and the other fems at the party are all aliens.
Enn likes Zan’s bravado and strength as all good fem boys do. He goes into her room and the two start talking. She realizes he’s not an alien and only Stella knows he’s there. Stellas are the more laid-back aliens whereas Zan is stuck in the uptight crowd. She gets revved and tells him “do punk to me.” That’s a fucking sexy line, especially when it entailed him cutting off parts of her dress, accidentally slicing her and her taking his bloody finger into her mouth. Rock on 70’s London aliens! I love them.
Meanwhile Enn’s friends are doing decently on the gal front as well. John is enjoying the variety of spectacles and trapped in a blissful dance spell while Vic is hitting it off with Stella. Stella takes control and makes the fem boy feel all sorts of ecstasy. She takes control and has him in the palm of her hand though he does freak out when a male fem alien joins the mix.
Vic gets both his friends out of the club just as Zan insists on getting a 48 hour free pass to go see the punk with Enn. Vic rushes off home and John goes his own way leaving Enn to marvel over Zan’s beauty. Even when she gets sick on him, he’s a gem. That boy is a keeper! Fuck that bitch in the club that made him sing. She needs a beat down.
He brings her to his house and just watches her sleep. He doesn’t try to fuck her or do anything untoward. The man is a prince. He takes to his art as she naps. That’s what make a boy fem! It’s the compassion and the sensitivity. It hits the heart, the soul and brings out the wild in any gal as they feel safe. Feeling completely secure with a dude is something a true fem will always appreciate. It’s allows the fem to have her guard down and take control and Enn is wonderful at eliciting this in Zan.
He talks science and bacteria with her and then they have a wonderfully weird make out session. It’s sort of like SPLASH (1984), but sexier – and SPLASH had Daryl Fucking Hannah in it, so that was already plenty sexy!
Enn and Zan fall madly in love in a wonderful whirlwind romance. Zan is all sorts of class. She doesn’t flinch when Enn’s mother (Joanna Scanlan) acts like the most embarrassing ma ever and even dances with her in the kitchen.
Unfortunately asshole alien Waldo (Tom Brooke) keeps popping up and trying to tell Zan to come back. He sucks. Zan and Enn meanwhile just enjoy the fuck out of each other. They go on a terrific date. She gets him to talk about his absentee father and offers herself as his security blanket. She’d stay where others left. That’s a powerful promise to make to a fem boy and every full fem knows it. Zan’s a full fem and she knows that her responsibility now is Enn’s heart – the Alien cult be damned. If only it were that easy!
Zan hits it off terrifically with Boadicea and gets on the stage to rock out. Despite the people initially fucking with her, Enn stands by her side. She starts going dark and Enn jumps in and just works the crowd into a crazed frenzy. That’s right bitches! Remember that skank from earlier who fucked with Enn? Who’s laughing now, bitch! All it took was a full fem to turn that boy around and Zan took the role of that goddess and ran with it.
The duo have a spiritually sexual journey on stage and everyone loves it. Boadicea is thrilled by the intensity of everyone as more aliens begin drifting in the club. Unfortunately, some bad does catch up to the couple and there’s some sadness to be had. Still the joy of it all makes it worth it.
Give this a go, but be prepared to tear up a little. It’s okay. I did. I’m a fucking sap.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10
