By Melissa Antoinette Garza
HOUSESITTER (1992) is one of my favorite movies from the 90s and one of the best comedies of all time. It’s sexy, it’s silly, it’s laugh-out-loud funny and it’s all heart. The entire production is a shout-out to all the naughty fems with sweet souls, and it’s a testimonial to what powerful goddesses in full control can do. I watch it at least five times a year.
The movie opens with kindhearted architect Newton Davis (Steve Martin). Davis is dating the worst kind of gal. She’s the type that all hardcore fems just want to expel from the sisterhood of women. Her name is Becky (Dana Delany).
Newton has fawned over Becky since the 9th grade. He thinks he’s in love with her. He’s not. He’s a shy, nice fine looking gent with a respectable job. He’s not a millionaire, but who fucking cares? Do you want to know who cares? Becky cares because Miss Becky is a bitch!
Davis built a stunningly huge home in the hopes that when he proposed to Becky she’d say yes. He shows the mini-mansion and asks for her hand in marriage. Not only does she turn him down, but she’s the typical elitist twat about it. I hate her so much. I’ve known too many women like that. I’ve seen them play with the emotions of nice guys while always looking around the corner for something with a little more green, bigger muscles and tanner skin. It’s so superficial and she is just so goddamn transparent. That said, the actress Dana Delany is a fabulously talented actress and does remarkably well in the role. I mean I really want to punch her in the face so job well done! Hit the applause button.
Thankfully, Becky isn’t the sole representation of fem in this film. No, this is a movie designed to celebrate multifaceted gals with great imaginations, spectacular dreams and a kink for teaching a few tricks of the trade to a gent willing to learn.
Enter Gwen (Goldie Hawn). Be still my heart! I love Gwen. She’s delectable in every sense of the word. Her mind, her body, her soul and her spirit just light up the screen.
Newton meets Gwen at a Hungarian restaurant where he is for a work function and she serves as a waitress. His harmless twit of a friend Marty (Peter MacNicol) tries to cheer him up for most of the night as he’s still not over the Becky breakup. The mortgage has him in debt to his eyeballs and he’s in desperate need of a promotion. Unfortunately the boss Moseby (Roy Cooper) doesn’t really notice him and when Davis tries to make small talk, he fails miserably. Moseby takes what is intended as a complimentary suggestion and believes it to be an insult. The promotion seems dead in the water.
Marty tries to cheer Davis up by saying crude things to Gwen. They believe that she doesn’t speak English and she’s helps them with that assumption. You see, Gwen is the Queen Kitty Minx. She knows so much yet reveals so little and with a bat of the eye and a dimpled smile she can have men and women alike believing any tale she spun.
When Newt realizes that she’s not Hungarian and heard all the less than gentlemanly things he and his friend were saying, he feels badly. He’s had a rough go of it, had a few too many drinks in him and was with a bad influence. I’d let it slide. Gwen does to.
He offers to walk her home and she accepts only to lead them right back to the restaurant. She lived upstairs but knew Davis needed an ear and she was happy to lend one. He tells her all about Becky and all of the things he’s done for her. He still talks like Bec is the cream of the crop, but he has yet to taste Gwen. He mentions the house and how it remains vacant. He pays monthly but can’t bring himself to live nor sell it. Back at the steps, he asks to come up and use a telephone to get a car and she obliges, only once inside she reveals she doesn’t own one. She informs him that he came up for a sexcapade not a taxi and he falls into it immediately. Kudos to Newton for turning on the romance and charm by politely asking if he may stay. Naughty gals love nice guys. That’s a fact! It’s because they like to teach them to be naughty. It’s a kick – and that kick is what this movie is all about.
The next day, Newt goes to work and believes the date was a one night stand. He’s a bit wrong. Goddess Gwen goes to his home town and takes over the house. After all, it is vacant. At the grocery store to put the food on Newton’s tab, she lies and says that she’s married to him. Guess who is there and hears? That’s right – Becky and she is not happy, but I am. Fuck Becky. Now that a blonde bombshell with tight jeans, a leather print coat and an allure like no other is calling herself Mrs. Davis, Becky wants to rethink saying no.Well, too fucking bad. Gwen is full fem and a faux good girl will never beat a full fem in matters of the heart.
Becky walks over and introduces herself to Gwen and damn does Gwen play it like a pro. She’s sugary sweet and sings the praises of Newt. She hits all the right chords which makes Becky jealous. Women like Becky are easily played. They don’t understand the fem brain and therefore can’t relate or see what move is on the horizon. Fem Goddesses, even the naughty ones, don’t play the people they love despite the fact that they could. Goddeses are fiercely loyal, self-reliant, nurturing and free. They don’t need a man to get what they want, but if a worthy enough gent happens by, a fem may help them take down a spiteful wretch who’s causing trouble. For this kind of task, Gwen is a goddamn rock star.
After marvelously playing with Becky’s head, Gwen goes looking for furniture. She goes to a sale where she meets George (Donald Moffat) and Edna (Julie Harris) a lovely elderly couple, selling furniture. Gwen is flamboyant, energetic and crazy fun. Despite, George and Edna being vanilla conservatives, they don’t judge. When she tells them she’s Mrs. Davis, they introduce themselves as Newton’s parents.
Her cover isn’t blown however. Newt and George had been estranged as of late and so mom and pop Davis think it’s the fight that made them unaware of the nuptials. Gwen plays it off beautifully and take the opportunity to use her magic for good. She weaves a tale about how sorrowful poor Newt was and how he desperately wanted to reconnect. Her sweet ginger approach and her genuine kindness pours thru and wins the precious pair over. That’s what I love about Gwen. She’s a good witch with a self-indulgent instinct that together are all kinds of hotness. She could run a bad scheme and easily take richer boys for money by pulling at their heart strings, but that’s not her game. She’s not trying to hurt anyone. When she finds out that there’s trouble between Newt and George she works to repair it. When she finds out that Newton is struggling to get a promotion, she plays nice with his boss and when bitch ass Becky rolls in Gwen makes certain that the wench knew what a kind gent she lost.
In the beginning, Newton does not know that Gwen has made up all these fabulous stories. When he arrives back home he’s shocked to see her at his house. Now, Davis being a good boy raised by vanilla George and Edna doesn’t know anything when it comes to dealing with fems. He’s lost, but thank God that Gwen is a good teacher.
Initially, he’s upset when he finds out that she’s told everyone that they’re married. That said, he always plays it nice. He sometimes says inappropriate and dickish things. He definitely is led around by his dick because of a high-school fantasy for a good part of the film, but he’s well-intentioned. He doesn’t want to throw Gwen on the street. When he thinks her old boss was untoward, he roughs him up. Steve Martin portrays Newt with the perfect amount of fem-masc. He’s a balance of sweetness and roughness. He’s definitely not an alpha and at the start of the film, he certainly doesn’t have a clue. Still, Gwen is a great teacher and shows him the way of fem. Slowly but surely, he picks it up nicely.
At first, Newt is ready to end the lying. Then, Becky appears. She pushes herself up to Davis and tells him how jealous she is of Gwen. Newton doesn’t see the transparency of her game. Thank God, Gwen stays! He tells Gwen that she remain if she helps him get back with Becky. He can’t accept the fact that the chick is just horrible. That’s what Gwen is for and she happily welcomes the challenge. Becky was a memory the moment Gwen decided she fancied Newt.
At first, Davis is dreadful at keeping track of the lies. He stumbles constantly but the Fem Goddess never lets him down. She helps him thru it and guides him in each step. When he falls, she picks up the pieces. She jumps in before he even knows he needs her. That’s how good she is. Under her intense tutelage, he begins to catch on. The two become a magnificent pair and begin acting like a power couple. They know how to pull the strings and make the puppets dance.
Becky is still trying to play the innocent sex kitten to Davis and he thinks it still has the same effect, but it isn’t. It takes Gwen almost leaving to make Newt realize the kind of woman he wants. It’s a predictable romantic comedy so I don’t think it will spoil anything to say that he goes full fem. Was there ever any other choice?
I love this movie. The actors are marvelous. The late great Julie Harris and the very recently departed, brilliant actor Donald Moffat were experts at their craft. They are beloved treasures and their performance here shows why. In many other comedies of similar ilk, these supporting characters would be forgettable or inconsequential, but with Harris and Moffat it’s just the opposite. Every moment they’re on, I want to see more. Their characters are so tender and sweet. They offer sincere advice and the portrayals are earnest and bring such joy when viewing. Edna and George are so lovable and cute. I like to think that somewhere in the sky Moffat and Harris are sitting on a porch swing with many of their friends beside them sharing a laugh over the antics of years gone by.
Everyone brought their A game for this film. Martin made certain that even when Davis was acting horrendously, that the audience recognized it was from aloofness and depression, not cruelty. It ensured that we remained on his side and rooted for his union with Gwen. Gwen….oh Gwen!
Goldie Hawn has been a crush of mine since before I remember. LAUGH-IN (1968) SEEMS LIKE OLD TIMES (1980), WILDCATS (1986),OVERBOARD (1987), BIRD ON A WIRE (1990), etc. Etc. Etc. I just love all her work. Her eyes are just filled with so much light, happiness, love and a genuine enjoyment for life. Every time that I hear the lyric “I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day,” I automatically think of Hawn because that’s what she is. Even when scheming and lying and being a little sweet minx, she’s such a sweetheart! I love her. I love her characters. I love her style. I love the way she acts and I adore the way she looks. She just is the most magnificent fem Goddess and this film showcases that wonderfully.
Here she illustrates the nurturing side of all fems. Little things mean so much. Gwen could have anyone she wanted. She’s that beautiful. Whereas Becky wants money and fame, Gwen is emotionally hit when he brings her home Chinese food without her asking. When she sees that he’s falling for her and doesn’t even know it, she gleams. At one point, Newt asks Gwen not to wear specific clothing because it’s too much of a turn on. She asks if he means tight and sexy wear, but he doesn’t. He’s talking about the shaggy everyday clothing. That’s when you know a guy fell hard. When he’d rather see you in a Christmas sweater than a teddy. It’s when he loves the YOU more than the illusion. Her real style, her favorite bang-around tops are the ones that rouse him. It’s very sexy. I love it. It’s such a nice touch on such a unique film.
I can’t find this one for free. I suggest buying it on digital via Amazon. It’s $14 for HD or $9 for SD. I suggest going SD. On a flick with little special effects like this, I just don’t think the extra $5 is worth it. The movie however is. Buy this baby.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8.5/10
