By Andrew Bard
I saw this trailer the other day and was absolutely shocked to see just how bad and absolutely contrived the whole thing is. The acting not only looks stiff but plain bad, the SFX from what I saw were shocking, I mean the first Mummy and original X-Box games had significantly better FX than this crap fest of a film. The dialog is beyond forced, lackluster and so far beyond simply being drivel that if felt like for a brief moment that this film was actually a comedy but no it fully took itself seriously. Trailers were meant to draw viewers to see the film but I feel like this one was created to be the complete opposite. I mean come on the scene between Bek played by Brenton Thwaites and Zaya played by Courtney Eaton goes as followed. Bek – “Steal from a god, only a madman would try such a thing.” Zaya – “Where do you suppose we could find someone so mad?” He give snarky look to try and sell the “Whoa whoa whoa, like who me???” and it all comes across as tired and absolute shit.
I haven’t seen casting this god awful since Highlander. I mean for shit sake here is where the cast hails from. Scotland, Australia, Denmark, UK, France and USA. Um to my knowledge aren’t there a few actors from at least around Egypt? Even if they were born elsewhere I looked the the IMDB after the trailer pretty much only had white people in it and found maybe a couple actors of middle eastern decent. The Fuck?! It’s like they didn’t even try here. A bunch of (for the most part) white people running around a sound stage filled with green screen, shitty early 2000’s arcade SFX and a plot written by someone who has only vaguely heard of Egypt and spent even less time researching literally anything about their mythology. Honestly I don’t know how the hell this film managed to get Geoffrey Rush to agree to this bullshit excuse for a film, I guess this was a money grab for him. Gerard Butler peaked during LAYER CAKE and should stick to doing Voice work because his performance in HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON was more enjoyable than him in this shitty trailer.
All in all I would say this film is going to be the cinematic equivalent to being forced to perform oral sex on Rosie O’Donnell unbathed after she ate 7 pounds of spicy Indian food. Seriously stay the fuck away from this film when it comes out, it will most likely give you cancer. This film is the kind of movie you force people to watch if you want them to commit suicide, this is the kind of evil shit conceived by some sick fucking guy in the CIA used to torture prisoners. Having my penis nailed to the side of 1992 Ford Escort then light that Escort on fire and push it over a mountain would bring more peace to me than seeing even just this 2 minute trailer. I wish the true gods of Egypt would unite and smite all who made this film possible because this film will no doubt fail at the box office.
There are better executed smut to trickle out from the tired and warn out assholes of the heads of The Asylum, I would take a Sharknado marathon over even just having to watch the trailer for Gods of Egypt one more time. Fuck this film, Fuck Alex Proyas, Fuck Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, fuck the companies who made this Mystery Clock Cinema, Summit Entertainment, Thunder Road Pictures and most of all fuck anyone who wants to go see this flaming pile of dead babies to give hope to the turds who made this film to keep making more. Just from the trailer on a scale from 1 – 10 I give this a big ol’ I would rather be eaten from the inside out by ravenous mutant Oompa Loompa’s then watch this 1.
