By Geno McGahee
I’m a Jason Voorhees fan, but I know that he isn’t perfect. It’s really not his fault. The writers, directors, and those that he acts across can really hurt him and have. One of my most frustrating experiences in the series is the sixth entry that goes by the name “JASON LIVES.” It was the first time that Jason becomes supernatural. He was a hillbilly that was super strong and aggressive, but he wasn’t ever a supernatural being that couldn’t be stopped. Now, we begin the next chapter in Jason’s existence.
Visually, this film is tremendous. The atmosphere is good. This film had a lot going for it, but there are certain things that annoy me tremendously that I want to discuss.
Why I Hate It
1. SHITTY CHARACTERS
My god, this film is jam-packed with shitty characters. The gravedigger that talks to the audience over and over again and uses terms like “fart head.” Then you have those useless paint-ballers that are just there to be killed and annoy us. I get incredibly irritated with that one dweeb that shoots Jason with the paint gun and when you add it to the choice of music that they use, you have to nearly puke in your shoes. This is Jason god dammit! What the fuck is going on here? Why would they treat him like this?
I’m not done. OK, what about the couple that are lying on a blanket in the middle of the woods…the hubby sees Jason kill a guy and instead of running and jumping on the bike and taking off, he elects to tell his soon to be wife what the plan is before moving, giving Jason enough time to kill them both.
We also have the line “I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that anyone in a mask is not friendly,” by a woman driving a car. Now, here we go again. We know we are watching a horror movie and we don’t need to keep being reminded. These are two more meaningless and annoying characters put in just to raise the death count.
Smart ass children and whiny children are also aplenty in this movie. You have the one that says that Jason was a real monster “just like TV” and other kids jokingly talking about their survival chances.
The ripped jeans camp counselor is another person I could have done without. He is so annoying that I want to fast-forward every time that he is on.
2. JASON THE PUSSY
Jason is the biggest bad ass in the horror world. He arguably beat Freddy in their battle and has never ever lost to a normal human, really. He easily kills people. He had some issues with the girl with telekinetic powers, but what monster wouldn’t? OK, now my problem…
You have the dude in ripped jeans plowing his girlfriend and Jason pulls the plug on the juice. They get the RV going, but they don’t know that Jason has come aboard. As the dude is driving, Jason sneaks up behind the girl and covers her mouth so she doesn’t scream and drags her into the bathroom to kill her privately. WHY?! Is he afraid of the twerp driving the RV? Jason has never concerned himself with that bullshit. He just goes ape shit on everyone and if they run away, he will get them later. For some reason, he wanted to make sure that the driver did not hear him. It was totally out of character.
3. UTILITY BELT
Jason just climbed out of the grave, but he found a utility belt with new equipment. He has his knives and probably water proof matches stored away. This makes NO sense. Jason should stumble across things. You know, a guy drops his axe to go have sex with a sheep and Jason finds it and now he has an axe. The fact that he has this belt is absurd. What were they thinking? Jason looks so bad ass in this film and they give him a utility belt. I don’t get this one at all.
4. JASON DIDN’T KNOW WHO HE WAS
When Jason is about to kill the hot blonde, Megan (Jennifer Cooke), Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews) screams from his little row boat: “It’s me you want, remember?” Now, it has been years since Jason has seen Tommy. The last time he saw him, he was Corey Feldman. Now unless he’s talking about “remember me, I dug you up and stabbed you,” it doesn’t make sense. There was no connection between the two. Jarvis got the better of him once, but Jason doesn’t hold grudges. He’s an impulsive guy…that’s all. There is no way that he was in Terminator mode after Tommy. What an ego Jarvis has.
5. HE’S BACK, THE MAN BEHIND THE MASK
I like Alice Cooper, but he apparently has ZERO clue who Jason is. In the video for “Man Behind the Mask,” Cooper has Jason swinging from a vine. He also mentions “lover’s lake” in the song and, as far as I know, lover’s lake is fine. Crystal Lake is where Jason lives and since when is he “the man” behind the mask? Isn’t he a monster behind a mask and the mask doesn’t really matter. He doesn’t need to wear it. He wears it to separate himself from other zombies that don’t have any style.
Why I Love It
1. SHERIFF MIKE GARRIS
What a great character the Sheriff was. He always had a cool saying, always overreacted, and was pretty touchy about “camp blood.” A great guy with a lion’s heart for sure, Garris (David Kagen), tries to get Tommy Jarvis out of town and then takes on Jason single handily and almost gets him…until he’s broken in half. Realistically though, he did damn well compared to the majority in this film. Garris had that “you’ll have to kill me mother fucker” attitude and he stuck by it.
2. JASON LOOKS AND IS BAD ASS
The maggots on his face, the ripped up clothing and the bad ass walk, Jason Voorhees was in near top form. I think he looked slightly cooler in the seventh entry, but he was absolutely respectable in this one. I also love how he goes through doorways. The doors turn into dust as he breaks through with ease. He doesn’t remember how to open a door, but he remembers who Tommy Jarvis is? Sorry, got sidetracked. Jason is awesome looking and menacing in this. I especially liked how great he looked standing atop the fiery RV.
3. COOL LINES
Tommy Jarvis and Sheriff Garris both have great lines. “He belongs in hell and I’m going to see that he gets there,” was a Jarvis entry, but Garris rules with lines such as:
“Don’t piss me off, junior, or I WILL repaint this office with your brains.”
“Fucking-A! What did I tell you? Hit the noise and the cherries.”
“That, what we call it in the books, is screwing the pooch! Iron this punk!”
4. WATER + FIRE = COOL
OK, call me a hypocrite. There are things that don’t make sense and I jump all over them, and then there are things like this that I absolutely love and make no sense. At the end of the film, Jarvis in his little rowboat is yelling over to Jason and calling him out and Voorhees don’t back down. He storms over and Jarvis makes a circle around his boat in gasoline and sets it on fire. It looks so cool as the two eventually fight, but why did he do that? Maybe he wanted extra light? My guess is that the creators just said: “This will look so freaking cool.” They were right.
5. JASON FLOATS
The ending of this film left the door wide open for the seventh and the last shot of Jason helpless at the bottom of the lake, but still alert, was quite awesome. I wonder just how bored he got while down there. By the time he’s released in the 7th entry, he’s all slimy, some teeth fell out, and his clothing is shredded. Whatever the case, the ending was fantastic.
