By Melissa Antoinette Garza
Richard O’Brien’s character has a harem of women in this film! Wait, that’s not the way to start a review. I apologize.
Richard O’Brien’s character has a GODDAMN harem of women! Thank the Lord! Hallelujah! Dreams do come true! Well, as much as a PG-13 movie can offer anyways. Fear not, my fabulously vivid imagination will gladly do the rest!
Forgive me. Any semblance of structure goes out the window when I’m discussing Richard O’Brien’s performances, but I’ll do my best.
DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (2000) surrounds the Empire of Izmir and Empress Savina (Thora Birch), a badass pushing for equal rights. Meanwhile, Profion (Jeremy Irons) a nefarious mage, who is a never ending supply of marvelous camp, invents a sceptre in effort to control dragons. When it doesn’t work the way he wants, he seeks out a map to find another.
Profion’s right-hand man, Damodar (Bruce Payne) is sent to a library to get a map that reveals the sceptre’s whereabouts. Mage librarian Marina (Zoe McLellan) gives them the slip with two thieves Ridley (Just Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayes) that she had caught stealing moments before.
Profion isn’t to happy with Damodar’s negligence and uses 2000 mid-budget CGI effects to illustrate it. I know this film gets a lot of shit for its bad CGI, but the film is campy and self-aware. It doesn’t hit you over the head with its parody like SHARKNADO (2013), but I far prefer this type of nutty over that, anyways.
Meanwhile, Ridley and Snails who are best friends join with a reluctant Marina and Viking Dwarf Elwood (Robert Miano) to find the sceptre. They go on the search for the delectably sexy thief Xilus (Richard O’Brien) who has possession of a ruby that will open the door to the spectre.
They are finally brought in to meet Xilus. Donned in a bright gold robe, quite a bit of jewelry and clutching a mirror to stare back at his own gorgeous reflection, sits the divine, incomparable Richard O’Brien. Spectacularly attentive goddesses sit beside to serve Xilus’s every need and desire. I love this scene. It is why I own the film.
In a sinfully delightful parody of his time at the THE CRYSTAL MAZE, Xilus informs Ridley that he has to complete a guild maze to get the ruby. He also gives Marina a small spanking. She’s so lucky! Although, she does not seem as appreciative as one would imagine. She doesn’t even thank him. I don’t much care for her or her stupid pretty boy. I only call Ridley that because Xilus did, and I love that he did.
As Ridley goes thru the maze, Xilus and his guild watch on. They bet on how long it will take before he dies as Xilus chimes in with delightful commentary. Full disclosure, I’m totally rooting for Ridley’s demise. Xilus is tickled by the idea of him dying, and I like it when Xilus is tickled!
After obtaining the rock, Xilus gives him a warm celebratory pat on the back. He then explains that he had been waiting a very long time for someone to come and pick that lock. He tries to handle things professionally and asks kindly for the stone to be returned. Ridley is a little bitch about the whole thing and refuses to hand it over. Someone’s not getting five seconds in the dome!
Before Xilus can have his guild wipe the floor with Ridley, Damodar show up and kidnaps Marina.
After leaving Xilus’s, the race is on to save Marina. They end up back at the Empress’s castle where she and Profion are battling it out.
Overall, this is a silly stupid movie. I think the reason it suffers bad reviews is because the least interesting characters are the protagonists. I don’t care if they live or die. I’m not focused on their love interests or them personally; but I don’t have to be. Very rarely do I ever root for heroes. Cheering on the bad guys is just so much more fun, and that’s where this film is gold.
The antagonists are phenomenal! Bruce Payne is the most reserved with his performance and as he garners some sympathy, it works. I feel for him. In scenes when Irons is magnificently hamming it up to the camera, one is still drawn to Payne.
Jeremy Irons is terrific as the lead villain. People chide his performance all the time, but it was obviously purposeful. It’s crazy, strange and therefore quite a compelling watch.
Saving the best for first, middle and last, Richard O’Brien is so sensational! Whether Xilus is motioning orders to his bevy of beauties, making snide remarks during the maze or shouting down Damodar, he’s perfection. He is everything a bad guy should be. Confident in his actions and finding amusement and enjoyment in his deviousness, he leaves me wanting more…so much more!
If for nothing else watch this for Richard O’Brien! Irons and Payne are both phenomenal in it as well, but I will live and die by these words: There is only one Richard O’Brien and he rocks out everything he does.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7/10
Richard O’Brien Rating: 11/10 (the math checks out)
