By Geno McGahee
I don’t know if I wanted to kill myself or punch the lead actor in the face as I suffered through this episode of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE. I know that there are going to be bad episodes in every series, but it usually doesn’t come in the very first season and this tale “Djinn, No Closer” is in the first season. I would have cancelled the series after seeing this one if I ran the network. What pure shit.
Danny (Charles Levin) stares directly at the camera, while in a strait jacket, talking to some psychologist and was trying to be funny. Now, there is nothing worse than forced lame humor and here we go. I was tempted to kill this episode immediately and move onto another, but I wanted to review it so I would remember it and remember never to suffer through it again.
Danny talks about his wife and how happy he was and it transitions to them walking on the street. I was initially happy, hoping that they would return to this weird-looking shithead staring right at me in a tight shot. His wife, Connie (Colleen Camp), somehow tolerates this guy. He must be hung like a horse and have a tongue like Lassie. Otherwise, this douche has nothing to offer.
As they walk, a tent suddenly appears and Mohandus (Nate Esformes), offers great sales. Connie picks up a genie lamp and then we get a couple minutes of Danny and Mohandus, face to face, insulting each other and haggling over price. What the fuck is this shit? I think they were going for humor, but it’s wretched and annoying. I was hoping that the genie would jump out of the lamp and cornhole Danny and Mohandus for the remainder of the episode.
After bringing the lamp home, Connie decides to rub it and the voice of the Djinn, played by basketball guy, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, starts insulting them. We keep going back to Danny sitting there, talking directly to us. I don’t know Levin personally, but I’m guessing his family probably says: “If he’s acting, he’s not here, and that’s a good thing. Who cares how shitty it is as long as he’s not hanging around us.”
As the Djinn ruins their apartment, Danny decides to check himself into some mental hospital, which makes it odd that they put him into a strait jacket as they did. We get more of him talking directly to the camera and then he finally decides to leave, freely, which is also odd that they’d let him leave if they thought he was dangerous enough to restrain while there.
When he gets home, the genie is out of the lamp and everything is normal. We see Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in a suit and they talk about how they got the genie out of the lamp…with a can opener. Oh boy, what humor this episode had.
DJINN, NO CHASER is fucking terrible. There is nothing good about it. It is annoying and stupid. It’s trying to be funny, but it’s the most terribly unfunny thing I’ve seen in my entire life. Shame on TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE.
