By Polly “Poltergeist” Hughes
Why was I given this assignment?! Released by Cinema Epoch and written and directed by John Semper, JR., we have a 3 ½ hour film that has to be the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. To give this the proper review, I sat through the entire thing and I kept all guns and sharp items far away. I was afraid that I would do anything to end this experience.
CREEPORIA is released from her coffin by two complete idiots. She is 300 years old, undead, and is cursed until she finds true love or success in film again. The role is played by Camille and Kennerly Kitt and if you cannot figure out that they are twins, they are announced as twins at the ending of the film. “Yes, they are identical twins” is noted but I don’t think that we needed it spelled out. It’s rather obvious. The Kitt sisters have quite a following for their heavy metal to harp music videos on YouTube and their performance here was rather good. They were cute and they tried hard to make this work, but no actress or actor on this planet could make this film work.
Now, in the meantime, Mason Q. Arkham (Tristan Ross), is opening the Mason Q. Arkham Horror Museum and Ribs. The addition of ribs into the business is a joke that they play out throughout the film and it doesn’t get any funnier, even after they try it the ten zillionth time. That is the humor in this film. This is what they do. They beat to death the same five or six unfunny jokes until you puke in your shoes.
Desperate for work, Creeporia calls her agent and he lands her a job at the museum. She flies there with Bonaparte (John Semper, JR.), a skull that constantly refers to other parts of his body but is always corrected by Creeporia. “You don’t have a stomach.” “You don’t have arms.” “You don’t have hands.” The joke is there every five minutes, but on the good side, it’s just as funny as the other jokes in this movie.
When Creeporia arrives at the museum, she meets up with all of figures that are actually out of work actors from the classic monster movies. There is jab after jab at Rob Zombie. I’m not saying Rob Zombie is good, but Semper, JR., has some real jealousy and it makes this entire production seem fueled by his bitterness. I’ll also take HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES over this any day of the week.
Each monster feels the need to refer to their characteristics. The vampire will note that he needs to “sink his teeth” into something. The werewolf, named “Wolfgang” (Douglas Dunning) will note that something is a “howl.” There are constant bathroom jokes from Wolfgang and at times, he runs around with toilet paper hanging from his ass. It’s appropriate…Dunning’s performance and this film is pure crap. I’m not sure if Dunning’s accent is legit, but it sounds like he has Wolfgang’s nuts in his mouth while he speaks. He’s difficult to understand throughout. It just gets more painful by the minute and when the fat kid, Johnny (Tylerr Pittman) shows up, you immediately want to shut this off if you haven’t done it already. He preaches to the new owner, Greg Arkham (Josh Baker), about how the movie industry has gone downhill, citing specific stars from the 1930s and then trashing the modern era of horror. It is so poorly delivered and so terribly written that it’s nearly impossible to sit through.
Creeporia and Greg hit it off and are starting their romance, but there is a monster roaming around attacking people. To discover what is going on the monsters guide Creeporia to the Mad Doctor (John Claeys) and he has a way to find out who the monster is and how to defeat it. This is when we see another joke overplayed that was never funny to begin with as the Mad Doctor keeps saying names of different ancient gods quickly while Creeporia blocks the incoming spit. It turns out that Greg is possessed by an ancient and evil demon.
This movie is also plagued with terrible animation throughout. I think the graphics of Playstation one was better than what I witnessed here. It’s wretched, but the animation is only one small part of the problem. This film is strange because the production value is so shitty but yet, it’s still very pretentious. I guess that’s an accomplishment of sorts. You don’t see that every day.
One of the worst characters, outside of the fat kid, was Blink Nightingale (Mark Carter). The TV show host for the NIGHTMARE DATING GAME is the most annoying jerk off in the history of film. I know part of it is Semper, JR., directing him and part of it is that he’s probably annoying in real life, but the entire segment was so terribly annoying that if you made it this far, you would have shut it off by now. Why in the hell did you make it this far? I have to. I’m a reviewer. I was given this assignment. What’s your excuse?
At times, and for no apparent reason, somebody says the word “limbo” and then we are treated to a dance routine involving the piss poor animation and the characters all dancing. It goes on forever and it happens several times. The more I watched this, the more I felt bad for the Kitt twins. They actually were not bad in this. This was their introduction to film and I’m sure it will be their exit, but I’m asking you girls not to give up. You have done this. It’s all up from here.
To make the museum successful, Creeporia creates a musical number and dance routine with the monsters, and the music is as well-written as this movie is. Here is an example:
It’s the final reel.
You’re at the edge of your seat.
And the hero is in it deep.
He’s trapped in a crypt in the mad doctor’s lair.
And he’s caught in the claws of some creep.
But things take a twist with a slip of his wrist.
He gets loose and he gets his big break.
He sets the girl free and he goes after the ghoul with a hammer and a wooden stake.
Or a silver bullet.
Or a crucifix.
Or 3000 volts or more.
Or a long lost spell from the book of hell.
I know what you’re thinking. Brilliant. Why is Semper, JR., writing movies when he could make millions writing music? You’re not thinking that? Oh.
Creeporia cannot be out during the day, so the film uses the day for night effect throughout but it doesn’t work on a sunny day and the sun was out for these shots. So everyone outside looks like a Smurf and it’s clearly daytime. This is a small complaint but one worth mentioning. The film is difficult to make it through but it would have been much better had it been shot the traditional way. If you need a night shot, get a night shot.
Mason Q. Arkham returns and cannot pronounce the name “Chuhuluthulhuhu”, and keeps yelling “you know who I mean!” The joke is used about fifteen times like every other joke in this terrible film. Arkham is not the only one that uses this joke. Creeporia uses it too quite a few times and even though she’s easier on the eyes, it’s not much funnier.
The group of monsters, Creeporia, Greg, and Heather (Kayla Gill), a waitress dressed like Elvira, overcome Chuhuluthulhuhu and the monsters become a big hit on YouTube with their stage show. Creeporia finds love and success in Rob Zombie’s GONE WITH THE WIND, because you needed on Rob Zombie jab in there at the end, and the ending credits rolled. Thank god.
The final message notes that: The fictitious character named “Rhob Zhombie” is not to be confused with the real-life filmmaker, “Rob Zombie,” who is an outstanding creator of exceptional cinematic art. We deeply regret any confusion. Now, as I noted before, I am not a big fan of Rob Zombie and I’ve said that his HALLOWEEN II was one of the worst films that I had seen, but damn, CREEPORIA gives a new meaning to the term “worst movie ever.” It’s so bad that it refuses to go away. It’s 3 ½ hours long and there’s not one redeeming value.
I assumed that John Semper, JR., was a novice in film, but he’s written for FRAGGLE ROCK and SCOOBY DOO back in the day. How he went from that to this is anyone’s guess, but I’m guessing they had other writers fixing his bad jokes. He has to know somebody. I think I could have stomached this film if it wasn’t so preachy and bitter. You can see exactly what Semper, JR., is saying because he states it clearly. If you are a horror fan, you are an idiot, unless you subscribe to the idea that all modern horror is trash and that CREEPORIA is horror for an intelligent person. I think if they played this film for people in comas, they would rise up and turn the TV off.
My thoughts go out to the Kitt sisters. They deserved so much better than this. They were cute and delivered the lines rather well, but it just didn’t work out. Had they been given something good, they could have really shined. I’ll just keep watching their harp videos. They actually are quite good, but they just need to pick their screenplays better.
So, in case you cannot tell, I am not recommending CREEPORIA. I thank Cinema Epoch for allowing me to see it, but this is just wretched trash. It should have been knocked down to 90 minutes and cut down the usage of the same joke to about 50 times each. Avoid at all costs.
Rating: 0/10 – Don’t watch if depressed.