By Geno McGahee
I watched ROCKY III for the ten millionth time and started to wonder why Clubber Lang never received a rematch. He was nice enough to give Rocky one and never got his rubber match. We would see the Italian Stallion go on to defeat Ivan Drago by knockout in a non-title match, retire, knock out the reigning champion Tommy Gunn in a street fight and then return years later to face Mason Dixon in a losing effort.
Rocky has a record of 57 wins and 22 losses, but he won most of his fights when he gave up smoking and took the sport seriously. Clubber Lang’s record is 28-1, 28 KO’s, including a second round stoppage over Balboa in their first encounter. It was an easy fight for Clubber, but Rocky had a lot of shit going on in his life that prevented him from being 100% for that match.
WHY ROCKY LOST THE FIRST MATCH
First, Rocky’s training was shit for the fight. He spent most of the time dancing, light sparring, taking kisses from hot chicks and just dicking around. Considering just who he was facing, this was very foolish and it was the biggest factor in the shocking early defeat.
Thunderlips was a big fucking mistake. Before taking on Clubber, Rocky did a charity bout with the heavyweight pro wrestling champion, Thunderlips, played by Hulk Hogan. It was brutal and Rocky got the shit kicked out of him. He did not have enough time to recover from that beating.
The death of Mickey, Rocky’s trainer, the night of the fight, got the champion out of his game and added with the other issues, the undefeated challenger had an easier night with the distracted champion.
WHY ROCKY WON THE REMATCH
Apollo Creed, the former champion, changed the style of Rocky to be boxer instead of a slugger and the experiment worked to perfection. He jabbed. He moved. He used defense. Clubber was met with the element of surprise and could not adjust.
Clubber was never tested. He’s knocked out everyone and never met resistance. When Rocky was out-boxing him, he overexerted himself out of frustration. Lack of stamina knocked him out more than the punches from Rocky.
Clubber underestimated his challenger. As he said: “I reject the challenge because Rocky is no challenge.” Clubber got a reality check in this match.
WHY CLUBBER LANG WILL WIN THE TRILOGY
There are two big factors that will give Clubber the big edge in the third fight. First, the Ivan Drago fight. In that bout, Rocky reverted back to his old style. It led to a lot of punishment and made the fight a lot harder then it needed to be, but it set the tone for the rest of his career.
When he retired, Rocky was forced back into a fight with Tommy Gunn and, once again, he brawled. Granted it was a street fight, but he was slugger Rocky. Against Mason Dixon, he also slugged.
The second big factor that will lead to Clubber’s win is the death of Apollo Creed. Without Creed in his corner, motivating him and training him the right way, Rocky is left with Duke and even though Duke trained Apollo, he has proven that he prefers to keep Rocky in slugger mode.
Clubber will come into the fight knowing that he’s either getting the boxing Rocky or the slugging Rocky and he’s going to be ready for both, but the slugging stallion will be the one that makes his road to reclaiming the title that much easier.
ROCKY BALBOA VS CLUBBER LANG III – THE MATCH
Now I’m rewriting history here. Rocky knocks out Drago and comes home to party and finds out that Clubber Lang is once again sexually harassing Adrian, noting that he will “bang her sideways” and “do the same to Rocky.” Rocky finds the tallest mountain in town to scream “CLUBBER!”
Rocky has a press conference the next day and says that “Clubber, you insulted my wife again, threated my muscular ass with an unwanted pounding and killed my trainer. You saw that I made Drago my bitch and now, it’s on. I’m not retiring and you and I are going to fight again for the heavyweight title.” The press goes crazy and the number 1 contender, Union Cane, is furious.
Clubber goes into training and prepares for both styles and works on defense and conditioning. He is focused. Rocky is also focused, but he can’t stop hearing “bang her sideways” as it echoes in his head. In this history rewrite, Survivor makes a new song for this new movie in the series “BANG THE TIGER SIDEWAYS”.
The two fighters come out to the ring and face off. Clubber, although trained better and ready, is not any wittier. “Dead meat” is now met with “talking about your cock” from Rocky. Clubber goes to attack at the stare down is dragged away by his trainer as he screams “I want you fool!”
The bell rings for round one and Rocky comes out, directly at Clubber and it becomes a one-sided beating with Rocky going down twice and barely surviving the round. Duke gets Rocky in the corner and encourages him to box and not slug. Rocky nods and comes out jabbing, but they’re not landing like they did the first time. Lang knows what this is and is cornering Rocky and lands again. Rocky has no answers but makes it to the third round.
Duke looks at Rocky and says “it’s now or never.” Clubber gets up off his stool and starts to beat Rocky with some head shots, but Rocky starts working the body and tries to kill the stamina of the bigger man. Out of the corner of his eye, Rocky sees Ivan Drago holding a “Go Clubber” sign. Rocky is now motivated to win and starts winning rounds on Clubber, mostly by jabbing and with body work.
In round 8, with Rocky slowing down and more stationary, Clubber gets more shots in and drops Rocky again. Rocky gets up woozy and is allowed to continue. Clubber sprints across the ring and lands two more shots to drop Rocky for the full 10 count and we have a new champion.
WHERE DOES CLUBBER GO FROM HERE?
He will go on and knock out Union Cane and then knock out Tommy Gunn with Rocky in his corner. Clubber would lose the title after 10 defenses by DQ after hitting an opponent while they were down (as he’s done in the past) and would retire with a record of 39-2, 39 KO’s.
