By Geno McGahee
I’ve been saying for some time now that Lifetime makes better holiday movies than Hallmark and with the good cast that CHRISTMAS RESERVATIONS had, I expected good things. Sadly, the film was really piss poor and was rough to get through.
Tom (Michael Gross) runs a resort with his daughter, Holly (Melissa Joan Hart), and is prepping for the holiday season. They are booked and they both need some loving. Tom lost his wife and has set his sights on Tay (Markie Post). I remember Post from NIGHT COURT. She has held up well. Tom from FAMILY TIES was probably sick of his hippy wife and is now looking for an edgier chick and found Tay. Shit, I’m getting confused. I grew up with those shows and I still see the characters I grew up with. I’ll try to stay focused. I’m sorry.
Holly meets a blast from the past in Kevin (Ricardo Chavira). They nearly dated a few times but it never worked out. He’s got two kids though and that’s a lot of baggage, but Holly is desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures.
Young Preena (Nida Khurshid) and Leo (Eric Grooms) are also finding romance, but Preena’s grandmother, Dadi (Moonie Fishburn), has an issue with it. She knows the score. Even though Preena is ready to start college, she don’t want her knocking boots. Poor Leo was probably writing a song “I got blue balls this Christmas.” Also, I should note, that Dadi’s accent comes and goes here. The director needed to put her foot down and get this film on track, or add a twist that she really doesn’t have an accent at all and that she’s been killing people at the resort. I like those kinds of movies.
Tom and Tay start getting close, but it doesn’t last long. Neither will he, depending on how long it’s been since his last time in the sack. Tay finds out that she has some mystery illness and now Tom can go jack off somewhere and leave her alone. Considering that his first wife died, Tay doesn’t want to burden him again with that experience. In her defense, Tom owns a ski resort. He can probably get some young stuff. Rich old guys often get hot young chicks.
The resort is having some issues with maintenance, but thankfully, Kevin can fix shit. Tom lets him work on the furnace with him and it gets fixed and Tom gives him that look that screams “I bet you can fix my daughter too.” I think Tom was too eager to set his daughter up with a guy with 2 kids. Holly isn’t bad looking! She can get a guy without so much baggage and there has to be a steady flow of single dudes that come through the resort. She can do better than Kevin.
We find out (Spoiler) that Tay is fine and now she plans to get it on with Tom. Preena’s grandmother steps aside and lets Leo give her daughter a hug but pays close attention to his bulge area to make sure he doesn’t get a snow boner. I bet that grandmother was getting all sorts of love in her younger years. She needs to let Preena get some.
As expected, Holly becomes an item with Kevin and he uses the term “Married Christmas.” FUCK. I thought this film could not get worse. Kevin was lame to begin with and then he comes out with shit like this? I knew a guy in college that used terms like that and you know how much tail he got? None. He was living in his mom’s basement playing Magic.
CHRISTMAS RESERVATIONS is not good. I liked the cast, overall, but the story was weak and the screenplay blew. This was a real disappointment. I did like seeing Markie Post again. I always liked her.
Rating: 3/10
