By Geno McGahee
The 1980s were a glorious time. There are certain places that are forever linked with that decade, but none more than the malls. They were hangouts for teens and had everything a kid could want. There were record stores, clothing stores, pizza shops, and arcades. You could go to upscale places like Bradlees and Caldors and get the very best in denim attire. Yes, the 1980s ruled. The music, movies and arguably, style, were the best, and the 1986 horror film “CHOPPING MALL” was about as 80’s as any other film I’ve seen. It takes place in a mall and it focuses on another fascination of that time…robots.
I remember when my cousin had a robot in the mid-eighties. What he did to that robot is something I won’t mention. No need for all of us to be disturbed. Anyway, the point is that robots were everywhere and it reflected in the movies. SHORT CIRCUIT was a hit, SHORT CIRCUIT 2 wasn’t, DEADLY FRIEND and TERMINATOR were big and who can forget ROBOCOP? The robots were very compelling to us and it may all go back to FUTUREWORLD and those damn sex-bots. I won’t get into that too much. I’ll try to stick with the killer robots instead.
We begin with a press conference concerning the mall’s new security force known as “The Protectors.” They sort of look like Johnny 5 from SHORT CIRCUIT but mean and they have laser eyes and the patrol of the mall in off hours. They are programmed to hurt bad guys, but as in all robot horror movies, something goes terribly wrong and we have a battle for survival on our hands.
I remember the 1980s being strange, but not as strange as what this mall presents. We have a kid on his skateboard, passing by multiple women in bikinis. We then have some chick spilling Cokes all over some dudes and another guy falling up the escalator after spotting the women in bikinis.
At a pizza shop, Allison (Kelli Maroney), is warned by her co-worker, Suzie (Barbara Crampton) about a fat guy that tries to grab the girls as they serve him food. This was another popular thing at this time. Fat people were always slobs in movies. They were messy eaters and usually perverts, but then the fat alliance came along and protested. So, the fat slobs that we enjoyed so much in film were no more. I was happy to see one here and what a great line he had to end it: “Waitress, more butter.” Let’s all laugh at the fat guy eating butter. PC or not, it was hilarious.
A lightning storm hits and the robots get jolted and they start misbehaving. With Suzie and Allison ready to have a party with six of their friends inside the mall that night, they are in for some serious trouble. Ferdy (Tony O’Dell) manages a furniture store and that is the setting for the after-hours party. Ferdy is uneasy about it, but his co-worker is pushing the issue. He wants to get some action.
Now, if you’re going to kill somebody off early in a horror movie, there are two options. 1. Security Guard. 2. Janitor. Well, they opted for Walter Paisley (Dick Miller), the disgruntled custodian at the mall. He had to work some extra hours and was mopping the big floor, splashing around water like nobody’s business when he’s approached by one of those protectors. In a hilarious death scene, the robot electrocutes the janitor but it was for the best. Walter was miserable and had nothing to live for. So, no loss here and it was great entertainment.
Another memorable death was one of the partiers literally getting their head blown off by the robots. It reminded me of DEADLY FRIEND with the basketball death of the old woman. I wish they still did these practical effects. They were glorious!
The group must fight against the protectors and defeat them. They cannot escape the mall. It is locked down with steel doors. The acting is over the top and the action scenes are very fun. The unlikely couple of Ferdy and Allison team up in an attempt to survive and find romance. Maroney also found romance at the end of NIGHT OF THE COMET. That’s where I knew her from! I knew she looked familiar!
(Spoiler) The robots are defeated, most of the people are dead, but there is the joy from the lovebirds that they survived. Some happy music plays at Ferdy says “nice shot”, and Allison smiles a huge smile. She apparently is in shock or doesn’t really care that six people died in front of her that night. Whatever the case, the two most likable characters have made it through. Well, I liked the janitor too despite his anger issues, but a janitor cannot make it through a horror movie. Not gonna happen.
CHOPPING MALL may not be that good. I think it’s good, but I was a teen in the 1980s and I was at the mall, getting the chicks, going to the arcade, shopping at Bradlees and eating pizza. (Note: One of those may not be true) It struck a chord with me. I enjoyed the setting as much as I enjoyed the movie. Maybe more so. The robots were neat and the acting was so over the top that it was tough not to enjoy. I recommend it for everyone, but for mostly my generation. It will bring back memories.
Scared Stiff Rating: 7/10
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