By Melissa Antoinette Garza
Right now, the sis and I are on a marvelous trip at Misquamicut in Rhode Island. I’m in a hotel room directly on the beach. I’m mere feet away from the water and I’ll be here for four glorious days. What does this have to do with CHILD’S PLAY, you ask? Nothing. Imma just like to brag sometimes.
Originally, I wasn’t going to see the flick. I love Brad Dourif and the originals mean the world to me. I was team Don Mancini from jump, but then two words made it so I had to see it. Those two words are Mark Hamill. Oh, how I love Mark Hamill. He’s just glorious in everything. He’s the sexiest cartoon character of all time. RAWR RAWR Joker. Imma be your Harley Quinn any day of the week. He was sexy as fuck as Luke Skywalker. You can keep your Han Solo. I want Luke-y boy much more. He’s got some of that dark side in him.
So with that resume, I couldn’t stay away from the new CHILD’S PLAY, but I still wasn’t expecting much. I was far from impressed with the doll design. I didn’t know how the AI theme would play out and I wasn’t sold on Aubrey Plaza being anything but a niche actress that I wasn’t quite sure fit with this role. Still, I was hoping to be wrong and on much of it I was. Both my sister and I enjoyed this movie immensely.
CHILD’S PLAY (2019) opens in a Buddi sweatshop in Vietnam. Buddi is a computer technology company that currently has the hottest item in their Buddi doll. The doll is a robot that acts like an advanced Alexa which controls every element of a “smart” home. It also is designed to be the best friend of its owner.
At the Buddi factory the work conditions are similar to that of Apple in China – suicides and all. One worker while programming a Buddi doll and putting in a bunch of safety protocols to protect the user, is told that after that entry he is fired. He’s overworked and can’t deal with the immense pressure any longer. He removes all the safety protocols and then jumps to his death.
Unaware of the issues with the Buddi toy, it is put on a truck and sold. The doll is returned for odd behavior and processed as a defective. It is about to be shipped back when Karen (Aubrey Plaza) an employee of the store takes it for her son Andy (Gabriel Bateman). It’s his birthday and she wants to do something special for him.
At first, Andy’s not particularly thrilled with the gift as he’s out of its age range and a new model of Buddi is being released. Still, he sees his mom went to great lengths to get it and he decides to give it a go. Andy has a hearing aid and no pals so when Buddi wakes up and immediately acts like a best friend, Andy takes to him. Now, Chucky the doll is a fabulous ally. He does everything to preserve the friendship he has with Andy. Sure, he’s a bit obsessive and yes – he does kill to prove his devotion. Okay, we all have faults! Chucky is just a bit OCD with his love and likes to protect those close to him. Personally, I think those are virtues! Figuring Andy had zero buddies before Chucky, you think the boy would be appreciative….but no! That little pipsqueak jerk turns on Chucky like a little bitch. He puts these stupid human fucks above the only thing that was ever truly there for him. Where were those dumbass little kids when you cried in your room because your mom was boffing some guy you hated? No-fucking-where Andy. You know who was there? Chucky – so show some goddamn respect.
So yeah, essentially this movie is about a stupid boy who gets a really cool pal but doesn’t fucking appreciate him. He drives his friend insane because he neglects him and then acts like it’s his friend’s fault for going off the rocker. You know what, Andy. Sometimes when you have an AI doll and he loves you very much and you ignore him, some bitches gonna die. That’s not on Buddi, pal. That’s on you, friend.
If I had to say there was a theme to this movie, I’d say it was don’t be friends with little bitch boy kids. Chucky had to learn that the hard way. I hope he can get come back and get revenge. He deserves it. I love Chucky. I would have truly been his friend to the end. I would have helped him bury the bodies. I wish I got a Buddi doll. Peeps, give me a Buddi doll
On an unrelated note, I’m high right now.
Scared Stiff Rating: 8.5/10
