By Geno McGahee
It must be really difficult to keep coming up with Christmas titles for Hallmark. With all the movies they produce, they have to be running out of ideas for titles. The title “CHATEAU CHRISTMAS” isn’t that good, but they probably looked at each other in their meeting and said “that’s one title we’ve never used. Rock on.”
Hallmark is dropping the ball here on this production. It’s not on IMDB and that’s how I get the names of the talent involved and on their site, they only list two and it’s the stars of the film. I’m guessing they hired some shithead from some temp agency that paid him minimum wage to do the job and he basically said “fuck IMDB.” So, I apologize to the actors and actresses involved that are only listed by character name.
Margo (Merritt Patterson) is a well-known pianist that is making some good money, but she has lost her inspiration. A critic came out and basically said she is playing that piano out of her ass and it’s got her in the dumps. She calls her sister and talks to her niece, Simone, after dumping an ass load of gifts on her. She spent thousands on Simone and how does she think that makes her sister feel? You can tell that Simone has put her aunt on a pedestal because she’s got deep pockets. She’s spoiling the shit out of her! Get her a Nintendo Switch and move on.
As Margo tries to get her shit together, Jackson (Luke Macfarlane), meets up with his old college roommate, Adam. Adam works at a hotel or resort…something like that…and is wearing a bad wig for some reason. I guess it’s a good wig because I’m not 100% sure that it is a wig, but I’m like 80% sure. They should get the wig guy from this network and have him help those poor guys on UNDERCOVER BOSS. Those wigs are right from the Halloween shop, but this one ain’t bad. I think he was going for a Steve Perry of Journey look.
Adam informs his old college pal that the Christmas concert is in jeopardy and he needs his help to organize and run it. Reluctantly, Jackson agrees, and it all falls apart when the lead act backs out. Now he’s fucked. He needs to get some musicians or the show will be canceled and that’s when he runs into his old girlfriend, Margo, as she plays the piano to a group full of diners.
You won’t believe what that little shit, Simone did. Her grandmother asks her what her mother wants for Christmas and Simone asks for a pony. You know that her mother didn’t want a pony. What would her mother do with a pony? Keep that thought to yourself, sicko. Anyway, this is what I’m talking about. Simone has been spoiled rotten by her aunt and now she’s totally selfish.
Margo and Jackson start to hit it off again and begin working on the concert together. I would have loved a scene where Adam leaves the room and Margo says “is that fucker wearing a wig?” “He’s been bald since college,” Jackson replies, “and yes, the carpet matches the drapes.” That scene would have been so awesome. I wonder if they used the title “CHRISTMAS WIG.” If not, they should…soon!
Jackson and Margo go on the hunt for musicians to play and find Sam, a guy that owns a guitar shop and a former member of a popular quartet. They try to convince him to reunite with the band and he refuses. He goes on and on about how he chose the band over his true love and he’s never felt right since. “Thanks to the band, I’ve become the master of the skin flute. Next time, I’m going with the girl.”
Other members of the band are approached, except the one that dropped dead. It would have been weird to see Margo and Jackson all dirty and holding shovels and telling Sam “we got him back.” That would not give me the warm Christmas feeling. They hit up Sarah, the lost love of Sam, and get them to meet up. When Sam sees her walk through the door, you can see his pants explode. Boing! The two start to talk and sparks fly, sort of. I don’t know if she will stay with a sorry sack of crap that whines all the time, which seems to be Sam’s style.
Sam teams up with the two remaining member and they all agree that dead Charlie, their old member, was badly missed and they can’t get the sound right without him. Jackson steps in to fill the void and the band had that look on their face that said “we’re glad Charlie dropped dead. We sound way better now.”
I hate the crooning shitty Christmas music toward the end of this film. I hate crooning. I love Christmas and I can enjoy the music, but crooning and that fucking “Grandma got ran over by a reindeer” shit you can keep.
Evelyn, the critic that’s been shoving it up Margo’s ass lately, shows up at the Christmas concert and now Margo is shitting bricks. She has been dragged through the mud by Evelyn twice already and she knows that it’s likely that she will be hit again. It might have been a good idea to have Jackson talk to Evelyn and tell her “one more bad review, you’ll be leaving this resort in a box.”
CHATEAU CHRISTMAS isn’t very good. There’s no real conflict. It’s just a very dull film without much going on. They follow around Margo and Jackson as they get the show going, but there’s not much to this one. I know Hallmark doesn’t always knock it out of the park, but this one is below average even by their standards. I cannot recommend this one. If I didn’t review it, I’d probably never remember it.
