By Melissa Garza
Despite the fact that this is a remake of one of my favorite horror films of all time, I decided to go in with an optimistic attitude and the hopes of something worth watching. I would have settled for anything decent. Needless to say, I left the theater greatly disappointed.
The first tell tale sign that this was going to be horrible, was when it opened with a murder. In one of the few attempts at recreating something from the original, they show the victimizer jumping from the closet and suffocating a co-ed with a plastic bag. There wasn’t any lead-up or story. It was a useless maneuver by the makers to startle the audience from the get-go. It was right out of Saw III’s handbook, and it failed as badly this time as it did then.
Here is an overview of the problems with this movie. The characters are recyclable, the acting bad and bland, the scenes put together poorly and without thought, the dialogue empty and contrite, and the little plot that the movie had fell flat and didn’t make sense.
For example, Billy (Robert Blann) who in the first one was a dark mystery who horrified audiences with the lack of insight we had into the character, was now an open book. We witnessed the childhood abuse endured by his mother (Karin Konoval) who later raped him and gave birth to his sister/daughter Agnes (Dean Friss). On Christmas day one year, Billy murders his mother and stepfather. He also decides to dip his hand in cannibalism without any real explanation. He cuts out eyeballs and is just a nutcase. His sister Agnes is placed in a orphanage and he is put in an institution.
Their home is turned into a sorority house and when Billy breaks out of the asylum he returns, but first he makes the phone calls. In the original, the calls were the key to the terror and the building of suspense. Billy would change his voice and sound like animals, children, a woman, and then end with a soft completely normal sounding, “I’m going to kill you.” That was lost in this film. The phone calls were few and far in-between. They didn’t dare use the term “cunt.” For a movie that tried to be edgy in its gore, they couldn’t bring themselves to utter the dreaded word that made for one of the most terrifying moments in the 1974 version. In this updated remake, the calls were lame and short.
Near the end something strange happens. I’m not sure why, but it is as clear as day. For some reason Billy starts to walk around like Michael Myers. For the entire movie he walks around like an average Joe, but for the last half an hour he sits straight up and looks towards the camera, and then begins to walk exactly like the masked man. I don’t know if this was to pay homage to John Carpenter or more likely (and more horrifying) a method to make a sequel. It was bizarre, lame, and annoying.
More than that, the movie didn’t focus on the intensity of the scenes or the emotions of the characters. No, the characters were just there for a high death count, and the scenes just gateways for more gore. That in essence, is the problem with the horror film industry in Hollywood. For the most part, the mainstream has forgotten how to bring the audience into the movie and to have them experience the terror with the characters. The characters are too stupid and irrelevant to grow attached to. Instead, the audience is isolated and are treated only with more gruesome and disgusting moments.
There are few exceptions. If Alexandre Aja (“The Hills Have Eyes” 2006 and “Haute Tension” 2003) had his hand in Black Christmas it may have been quite different. He seems to understand atmosphere and improving a classic. Instead sadly, we have “I Know What You Did Last Summer” meets the lame remake of “House of Wax.”
Scared Stiff Rating: 1.5/10. More like Black Shitmas
