By Geno McGahee
Let me start by saying that I’m not a fan of Tim Burton and not a superhero guy. I don’t collect comic books. I don’t get a hard on when I hear that the Marvel universe is expanding. I do like some superhero stuff. For instance, THE INCREDIBLE HULK TV series was the best thing ever. I also think that the DARK KNIGHT trilogy was amazing and that was Batman stuff. So, maybe I would like BATMAN from 1989.
BATMAN was a huge success, with a budget of 35 million and a return of 411 million. I remember the chaos when it came out. I was 15 years old and went to the cinema to see it and I liked it then, but here we are, all these years later, and it’s time for a new look at the caped crusader flick.
We start with a couple of crooks robbing a couple and then fleeing to the top of a building to look at the take. While there, they talk about a Batman that is going around and causing trouble for criminals. Out of nowhere, Batman (Michael Keaton) appears and wants to make sure that all criminals know that he is Batman and that’s about it. I am not a criminal so I cannot speak for them, but I don’t think that they all know each other. This particular guy that stole a necklace and a purse may not be linked to every other criminal in Gotham.
When the cops scoop up the crooks, we meet up with the worst character in this film, Knox (Robert Wuhl). I am assuming that fans of Robert Wuhl exist, but I have to say that he is so annoying. You know that term “I don’t like his face”? That’s how I feel when I see this guy and his voice seals the deal. You ever know a guy that thought he was cool and everyone else thought they were an asshole douche? That’s this guy.
Jack (Jack Nicholson) is a bad guy that works for Grissom (Jack Palance), but is secretly screwing his girl. Jack has dreams of taking over and does much of the legwork for his boss, including meeting with the crooked police to pay them off.
Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger) seeks out Knox to research Batman and it doesn’t take long for that geek to come on to Vicki. I know a guy just like Knox that I want to punch in the face every time I see them. Kim Basinger would never spread her legs for a loser like this. She is far too hot and sexy and hot, I might add, to have anything to do with a guy that apparently has pubic hair glued to his head. It looked like pubic hair. He never said it wasn’t pubic hair.
Batman and Jack come face to face and Batman is about to kill the fuck, but Jack’s friend with benefits, Bob (Tracey Walter), puts a gun to the head of Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle), and screams “Let him go or I’ll do Gordon.” If it meant getting rid of the future Joker, Gordon taking a dick in the ass is a small price to pay. Batman should have said “Go ahead and do Gordon. Do him hard. Split him like firewood.” Then he could kill the Joker.
Eventually, Jack is dropped into some bad chemicals that turn him into the Joker and now he’s got Batman in his crosshairs. I know that Jack Nicholson gets a lot of credit for this performance, but it’s not very good and the makeup is pure shit. It’s hard to look at it and take it seriously, but Vicki Vale screams when she sees the deformed face. She does a good job. I’ve always liked Basinger. I think she was naked in some films. I’ll Google it. I’ll finish this review first before I Google “Basinger boobs.”
Alfred (Michael Gough) cannot keep focused. The Joker is the big problem as he kills the people of Gotham, but Alfred keeps harping on Bruce Wayne to start seriously dating Vicki Vale. They should have had a scene where Alfred was rubbing one out and saying “Vale.” Remarkably, Wayne seems to be receptive to it. He is even going to tell her that he is Batman, but he doesn’t get the chance when the Joker shows up. Now I’ll say another thing that may not be popular. Michael Keaton isn’t good in this either. His over-acting as Bruce Wayne and monotone Batman aren’t very interesting.
The Joker plans to poison the whole city, but Batman uses the Batwing to stop it and it leads to a finale in a bell tower that leads to the Joker crashing to his death. It seemed too quick. Didn’t they learn anything from MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE where Skeletor took 18 years to fall to his death in slow motion style. It was a pretty weak death for such a villain.
BATMAN isn’t very good and pales in comparison by a lot to the DARK KNIGHT TRILOGY. I wasn’t a fan of the Tim Burton style of the film or the characters. Jack Nicholson can be great and he went all in on his persona but I couldn’t get into it. I didn’t hate BATMAN but it’s pretty unremarkable. If you watch THE DARK KNIGHT, it’s hard to watch this one and think that it’s anything more than mediocre.
Not being a Tim Burton or comic book fan, I cannot recommend this one. I know I may be in the minority here, but this one sucks.
