By Melissa Antoinette Garza
My sister, mom and myself caught dinner and a movie tonight. They chose the movie. I did not want to see AQUAMAN (2018). The trailers didn’t appeal to me. I’m not a Jason Momoa fan. I don’t think he’s attractive. I get why people do. It’s the same thing people see in other strong dudes like Tom Hardy, but big muscles will never be a kick for me. I don’t like them. Biceps just look like flesh covered eggs and I don’t find eggs attractive. They are fun to feel though. When I went to a wrestling event years ago and grabbed a hold of Shawn Michaels sweaty arm, I was impressed. It did not feel like an egg. Still, give me the leaner guys like Tom Hiddleston or Bill Skarsgard any day. Sadly, those boys didn’t come to play in this movie.
We start with actually a really good opening. Queen Atlanna (Nicole Kidman) bolts the sea because she’s being forced into a loveless marriage. On earth, she meets a lighthouse keeper Tom (Temuera Morrison). Tom is a lovely gent. He cares for Atlanna and they hit it off wonderfully. He suaves his way into her heart and she saunters into his bed. They have a baby. That baby is Aquaman (Jason Momoa).
Atlanna gets summoned back to the ocean. She kicks the shit out of a lot of people first and that’s the best scene in the whole flick. Nicole Kidman owns this role. She’s so fierce. This movie made me remember why I love her so. I wish the whole flick was just about her. She’s a renegade bitch in command, a full Fem Goddess in complete control. She takes on like 8 dudes in armor and it looks magnificent. Kidman sells the shit out of it with her poses and facial contortions of command. Yum. I love her. I love her so goddamn much.
Atlanna returns to the sea and goes thru with the forced marriage. She then has another son named Orm (Patrick Wilson) with the Sea Hubby. Orm grows up to be a dick and wants to start war with the land people because of pollution and as a power bid for the other sea kingdoms. It’s lame. This story is lame and Patrick Wilson as a blonde is ridiculous.
Orm doesn’t have the full support of his people. Mera (Amber Heard) comes to land to recruit Aquaman to fight his brother. He doesn’t want to do, but does to protect the people he loves. I really wanted to love Amber Heard. As a person and in interviews, I think she’s so fabulous. She also has the look for Mera, but her acting was horrendous. I don’t know if it was the direction or because so much of film is CGI that she didn’t have a setting to work against, but she was just awful. She never had the aura of someone in command or in control. She always looked confused and gave the performance of a damsel-in-distress. Even when she’s fighting, it’s so unrealistic. I hated her character so much. This was just poor casting. Heard would have been fine in a supporting role, but she is not the right Fem for a super hero movie. It appeared she was trying to pull off a Scarlett Johansson impression but her bravado was so manufactured. There are so many other Fems who could have brought that role home. Jessica Rothe would have been marvelous. She can play both sexy minx and badass Queen. That’s what we needed. Also, she had zero chemistry with Momoa though rumor is he was a dick to her on the set, so that may be his fault.
As for Momoa’s performance. It was Meh. He was the hardcore alpha-male that loved getting drunk, getting violent and saying snarky shit. Momoa says snarky shit well. He gives the dialogue a bite when it needs it. That said, he can’t emote for shit. Scenes with his parents that should have invoked sentiment did nothing. He’s like Vin Diesel in that respect. He’s just Mr. Tough McStrong who never cries.
There were a few shining moments to the flick. Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) was amazing though they made him into a little bitch for most of the movie. Manta has a reason to be pissed too. Aquaman could have saved Manta’s father (Michael Beach), but let’s him die. It sucks too because Manta’s dad was also Mr. Darnell in LEAN ON ME (1989). I love him. He’s a magnificent actor and because Aquaman was a spiteful prick, I don’t get to see anymore of him in the movie. So, Manta is pissed and out for revenge. Mateen II is awesome in this. Next to Kidman, he gave the best performance. When he had to leave his dad, I was 100% on his side. Fuck Aquaman. That was a dick move. You’re a super hero. You’re supposed to save people.
So, Orm teams up with Manta momentarily and gives him some killer technology that aids him in building his suit. There’s a cool scene of Manta putting the gear together and creating it. He tests out the lasers. All is good, until he actually faces Aquaman. He gets destroyed…and before you say it. I know! There’s a sequel. This wasn’t his movie. Blah blah fucking blah. I don’t care! Then don’t put Black Manta in the flick. If you do put him in the flick, don’t make him get destroyed in thirty seconds. Give Manta his goddamn due. He’s a fucking badass. Especially, when this rivalry was the first you introduced us to. It’s the one thing we’re invested in. What a ripoff!!
Sadly, I can’t recommend it. It’s a pretty film. The colors are pretty. I was high so that was nice. Nicole Kidman is just all talent and all appeal. If she was in the movie from start to finish, it would have been amazing. Willem Dafoe was terrific as always. He portrays Aquaman’s trainer and just a good dude. He’s Dafoe so he’s great. That was a good casting call. Another good one was Dolph Lundgren as King Nereus. I love Lundgren and he brought a level of gravitas to the sea. He played the badass to Orm when Aquaman wasn’t around and he did it better than Aquaman. Two of the most significant roles, however were just miscast. Both Heard and Wilson did not fit the roles they were given. Their look, personality, style and demeanor just defy everything the characters are supposed to represent.
The sad thing is I really like Patrick Wilson. In THE CONJURING (2013) THE WATCHMEN (2009) and INSIDIOUS (2010), he was spectacular. Orm was sadly just the wrong role.
Part of this is that it just seems as though it was all done before and done better. AQUAMAN sort of has that THOR (2011) feeling to it. The tone, theme, color scheme, energy and vibe all seemed very similar. Therefore I can’t help but compare the two and THOR is just a better product. Loki is a far better villain. I feel for Loki. I see his point of view. I understand his anger. With Orm, he’s just a dick. They try to push the Prodigal Son angle, but without any heart or depth, who cares?
Skip this until it hits REDBOX or STREAMING. It is not worth the cinema green.
Scared Stiff Rating: 4.5/10
